7 months today! I am very thankful to be alcohol and nicotine free. I still have a lot of work to do, but life is one day at a time. I spend my time thinking about those things that can better my life, instead of dwelling on regret, guilt, shame and self-hate. I have found there is an answer for everything in time.
The main thing I don't miss is the constant battle of going back and forth between smoking and quitting. I did that for 10 plus years with 1000's of quits. I mean 1000's!
I left a lot of things abandoned and abused in my wake. Quitting smoking is freedom from all the neglect and wasted days.
Smoking offers nothing for me but pain and suffering and giving up on self. It feels good to free myself from that pattern, and peel back the onion that built around me for so many years.
Thanks for all your support. Love you guys!
Adam
Need to ramble a bit. Feeling alone. Having one of my rough nights. I won't be smoking or drinking, just feel I still need a shift in what I spend my time doing. This is when I used to binge drink, or smoke or relapse and feel sorry for myself. This is when I used to throw it all away if I wasn't already knee deep in all the bullshit. Now the most I do is eat ice cream bars and binge on Catfish tv show haha!
I've been focusing a lot on my marathon June 18th, but haven't been focusing on my music as much as I want to. When I think of my music, I think of wasted time. I think of wishing I hadn't wasted so much time. I think of my ear problems. All those thoughts ever do are make me hold on to negative shame. It keeps me from doing what I love and that's make music!
I need to take baby steps and record and work on my songs and projects. I have a decent job, decent money but it takes away from the time I want to be spending on formulating a career elsewhere and the things I love. That is life though right. Still gotta pay the bills.
Anyways, I just needed to process. Life is really good right now. I just need to keep track of my eating diet, do what I can with the running, work hard, play hard and start working on songs and recording them on my free time.
It all is a lot easier than I make it out to be!
Adam
Quitting smoking and drinking is the best thing I have ever done for myself. It still doesn't mean I'm always happy about it, but when I truly rationalize and look at the situation...if I picture what smoking and/or drinking would truly do for me in that moment, it would only set me back and make me feel really down on myself. It would hurt me physically and make me sick, make me depressed and feel stuck in that same old hole on that same street I've been clear of for so long now. I never want to go through that again no matter what happens in life. It's not worth the added pain and suffering.
My life and those things I spend my time on are a whole lot different then where I was a bit over 6 months ago. I'm laying in bed processing the past and what I'll do today. I'm on call at work but don't think I'll work. If I am off, gonna hit the gym, watch the Mariner's game, brain storm money making ideas outside of work and play some guitar.
2 days ago I ran 15 1/2 miles as I prepare for the Rock n Roll Marathon here in Seattle, WA on June 18th, 2016. It's a tough process and at times I can't see the end result. I mean running a half marathon kicks my ass but I have faith that I will be able to conquer this and in the end, the physical effort will pay off with a mental victory. This is a huge thing for me. My life has changed so much and most things I do are to better my future and add positive vibes to my life. Having the run in the background helps me default. If other things run awry, I can focus at the task at hand and do something healthy and try something different.
Smoking and drinking was a waste of money for me. It was a waste of days, life and breathe for me. I put myself through the ringer daily in order to keep doing the things I didn't want to do and in the end I just felt tired, guilty and alone. I was the boy who cried wolf over and over again with nothing to show in life. It was a sad existence stuck in the limbo of addiction.
I have empathy for myself though. We are only humans. We are emotional. We love. We hate. We try our best. We need time to compute. We can only do so much daily. Addiction is a tough place to be. I was there for a 20 year period of my life, and know that all that I'm learning from being free is building a new foundation of core beliefs and high standards to live by daily. I am translating the fight into a way of life. Life isn't easy and addiction becomes a crutch and our closest friend when we feel all else around us may be crumbling. When we are heart broken or lose someone special. The addiction is always there to say "hey, lean on me. I have your back and I'll always be here for you thick and thin."
That's why it's so damn hard to part at first. At a certain point though, enough truly is enough and you know you never need to go back. When nothing is changing and you've gone over the same information a million times and the truth still hits the same, you know it's time to only look forward and put words into action. We all have to learn at our own pace and can only change when we want to and truly desire to.
I'm glad I got out of addiction. I know smoking will always be the same nicotine trap. I know it'll never be different and that's why I've made a personal promise that through anything. Through the simplest of problems to the biggest, I pledge and promise to always remain smoke and drink free no matter what I may face!
Adam
manifest your greatness
