Good morning everyone! I'm still around!
I had what seems to be my 10th smoking/drinking dream of the winter. So much guilt, shame, feeling of being alone and stuck in a cycle. I don't know why I've been having so many at this point in my quit. I think it's because I have had some depression and the passing thought comes of what would happen if I relapsed like I did in the past. It's not an actual though of intention, but a thought of taking myself through the steps to remember how much of a let down and negative space to be in. The thought leaves quickly because I will not smoke/drink and it scares the heck out of me and sounds completely gross!
I am 110% committed to my quit! I'm glad in the end I'm having these dreams because it teaches me all the misery of the "shame spiral" I used to go through when I was relapsing over and over and over and over again.
Off to work now, just wanted to get that out of my system, say hello and document the journey I am on. I still focus daily on my quit and renew my commitment as often as needed! Have a great day you guys and keep the quit. Keep it for yourself, no one else can take that away from you!
Adam
D464
I feel depressed about this relapse. I went from top of the world to bottom of the barrel in one day. I work so hard and then one little thing is triggered and I did the last thing I wanted to do...but that's why I did it. I've been trying to overcome all this bad luck that's been coming my way without smoking because I know it won't make a damn thing better. Smoking was me believing that the universe was against me and just wanted me to fail. Smoking was like me saying "ok, I'll give up! There, I did it! Is that what you wanted?"
But then I'm just left with starting over and feeling their isn't a way out. I feel nasty right now. I feel depressed. I feel stuck. That's what relapse instills is a feeling of FEAR! I don't believe that though, so I've got my quit back and going to take every moment I need to stay focused and progress.
You either smoke or you don't. It's been harder than that for me but it doesn't have to be. I have to simplify and never smoke no matter what because it leads you nowhere but backwards!!
2 things I can do every day is take a moment in the beginning of the day to pledge, check in, do my blog. I'm not really religious but I'll still pray to just to be mindful and thankful for what I have. Another thing is get some form of exercise even if only a walk. I do work on my feet at a restaurant but that's not the same as personal time.
I'm sure it can be somewhat true that I start feeling emotional when on a fresh quit and then don't get too far out to sea before I retreat back to the smokes.
In this instance I drank too much which I should've stopped after 2-3 drinks, something triggered me to feel like all my bad luck is the universe wanting me to fail.
The whole thing was all in my head and I punished myself. I believed the lies.
The whole thing was nasty. I didn't enjoy even one of the drags and I pissed the whole time. It was not worth it at all.
Sorry so long, but I really need to do this and really know I can disconnect myself from the serial quitter label. I know I can do this....for me it is a day to day check in. Planning out my day really helps me keep things moving but I also can't be hard on myself if I don't get everything done.
I just bought a marker/cork board for my desk to keep positive posts on and to organize my day!
I always have to keep my quit as my #1 priority because I am an addict and I can never have one.
SMOKING IS OFF THE TABLE!!
Arghhhhhh
Adam
