Close the Door (800 days)

CLOSE THE DOOR!!! 

800 days free from the slavery that went along with smoking. Happy New Year to everyone! Not around here much, but I do always keep this site as my default web page. I quit drinking in order to quit smoking and haven't touched either since. Alcohol was the door I kept open. Alcohol was the hole I kept falling in. Quitting both is what finally helped me close the door on the relapse world I was living in for 10 years. I had to realize that if I drank, I smoked. If I smoked, I drank. Different for everyone. That is my reality. 

It's nice now to help other people that are beginning their path to freedom. One thing I tell everyone is that you have to close the door on those things that give you an excuse to smoke. Each person has those few thoughts, or few people, or few feelings, or few places....whatever it is, that gets you to brake and reach for nicotine when you know you don't want it. You have to be 100% honest with yourself, and face those things, and close the door on them. It's good to know others have been through the tough stuff and that they understand those things you have felt and gone through. 

I know I may not be saying anything new, but I have a true testament of what it takes to be free from the bondage of addiction. I know I can never have another puff...not one little puff. I know if I drink alcohol, I will sooner or later reach for a smoke. I tried to defy the odds a million times, with the same result every time. I'd be back to my 15 a day and hating myself for it. Exercise and clean living take a back seat when I'm smoking. Binge drinking ensues and bad eating habits make me put on an extra 25 lbs. That's the reality. That's the shame spiral that I was in for 20 years (Not that my story is the worst, but I was very unhappy). 

Close the door on those things you know in your heart are holding you back and only offer negativity. Close the door on those things you are afraid to let go of. That is the only way you'll truly be able to embrace your quit and free yourself from the phantom limbs of addiction! 

Adam 
Happy New Year

What keeps me going.

For every person it's different, and I feel we know those things we want to implement into our lives that smoking takes away from.

Emotionally I know if I smoke or drink I go back down the rabbit whole of feeling really sorry for myself. I'm already a sensitive dude, then I cut myself off more. I call off of work. My money disappears. I binge drink. I gain weight. I don't work out.

For me it's where I plan on going in life physically and spiritually, that sets me up to stay 100% smoke free. I pray multiple times a day. I try and stay thankful. I put the work into this thing. I have a marathon coming up late November I am training for. In April I am also doing a 50 mile trail race. You can't substitute anything for smoking, but you can change what your mind is set on and what matters. These things matter more for me. You have to find those things that matter more than smoking.

Smoking really doesn't offer anything other than smokey dizziness and addiction where you have to replenish what you just put in or you feel off, you get grumpy. It all becomes clear when you really, truly are sick and tired. When I feel down, that's the only time I think "hey, this when I used to smoke", and I realize the only time I wanted to smoke was when I felt sorry for myself. I was feeding negativity. Smoking was me validating those thoughts that "I'm not good enough, I'm not worth it, the universe is against me, I can't quit these sickerettes." Now that I don't smoke, I don't have that bully of a reminder telling me I'm worthless every time I take a puff.

Maybe this rings true to some of you. It's the truth behind what was going on for me, and knowing that is what keeps me away from those nasty things. Life is already tough enough. Add in that abuse and it makes it that much harder to function and have a healthy, happy life. I don't know if I answered your question. Just started rambling, but something's gotta change for you guys, and it's up to you to take the steps to do it. My quit won't change whether you guys smoke or not. It should be the same for you!

Adam

2 years SMOBER!

2 years nicotine.....and alcohol free! 

It seems surreal. I have a long story leading up to now like everyone. All I can say is finally, finally....I mean finally after like 10 years of relapse I knew I had to get rid of these things to move on with my life. I was in what I call the "shame spiral" of addiction. So much self abuse and negativity. I'm so glad I don't face that every day any more. 

Things aren't perfect but they are night and day compared to how I used to live! Love everyone here and thanks for the support! Keep up the good work and remember, any day smoke free is a day of progress! 

 Adam 2 years SMOBER!

Back from Italy

694 days quit! I smoked for 20 years, and for 10 years I was a serial quitter. I could barely quit for more than a few hours or a few days! Just got back from Italy and being out there and all alone I had to deal with some thoughts. I knew I wouldn't smoke or drink, but our addictive minds will dig deep sometimes to see if we still have the power to say no.

It's a big NOPE for me. I was so irritated with all the smokers everywhere in Italy. It was always in the air and grossed me out. I felt that was a good sign! So glad I don't smoke. I wasn't suffering while on vacation. In the past I always tried to quit while on vacation. I didn't have to deal with the tug of war, achy heart and fatigue....and just plain gross feeling hovering and clogging my oxygen and mind while sweating. Keep the quit!

Picture is from the Dolomites in Northern Italy!

Adam

It's All Up To You!!!

It's all about how bad you want the quit! It's all up to you. Own it, don't look back! Focus on your new life and all the new pathways you'll be able to take that'll lead you to a healthier and personally happier overall forecast to life! 

It's not easy. It has ups and downs, and old emotions and people connected to your old smoking world can sometimes haunt you. The cool thing about it is facing that adversity and saying NOPE!!!!! This time it's different, this time I'm fucking done with all the bullshit. This time I don't connect with you or that stinky addiction. This time I'm done letting myself down and just sinking back into the old patterns and habits that lead me back to the addiction hole.

Sorry haha, I got on a rant there. I'm just passionate about the quit. I was a serial quitter for 10 years and smoked for 20 years! 10 years of my life, in and out trying to quit almost every day. Over and over. From Seattle to Brooklyn and back. It is as crazy as it sounds and more.

Time to move on. Time to empower yourself and be the black sheep and show yourself you can do it. It's empowering also when someone else notices your journey and sees how positive and productive your choice has changed your life. Lead by example and stick around those who encourage your lifestyle!!!!!!

Adam

Everett Half Marathon 4/9/17

536 days quit. Tomorrow I'm going to run the Everett Half Marathon with my older brother John. Before I freed myself, running with my brother was only a dream of mine that made me feel sad and have regret. 2 weeks ago I got 5th place out of 60 in a 10 mile trail race. 

These are both things I wouldn't have done if I was still smoking cigs and binge drinking. 

Come what may, I pledge and promise to remain nicotine and alcohol free today! 

Wish me luck! 
Adam

Maple Valley Nic/Alc Dream

Good morning everyone! I'm still around!

I had what seems to be my 10th smoking/drinking dream of the winter. So much guilt, shame, feeling of being alone and stuck in a cycle. I don't know why I've been having so many at this point in my quit. I think it's because I have had some depression and the passing thought comes of what would happen if I relapsed like I did in the past. It's not an actual though of intention, but a thought of taking myself through the steps to remember how much of a let down and negative space to be in. The thought leaves quickly because I will not smoke/drink and it scares the heck out of me and sounds completely gross!

I am 110% committed to my quit! I'm glad in the end I'm having these dreams because it teaches me all the misery of the "shame spiral" I used to go through when I was relapsing over and over and over and over again.

Off to work now, just wanted to get that out of my system, say hello and document the journey I am on. I still focus daily on my quit and renew my commitment as often as needed! Have a great day you guys and keep the quit. Keep it for yourself, no one else can take that away from you!

Adam
D464

A Message to End Suffering

We should try to be thankful every day we "get to" be here on earth. I've said it before. I'm not too religious, but I've learned to do a "thankful" prayer at the beginning and end of each day.

Come to think of it, I do it when I eat, when I feel emotionally elated, when I feel inspired or sad. I do it when a friend is in need or when I am feeling empathy for all the pain I went through with my addictions.

It's really helped me be in the "now", and to think of all the positive things life has to offer over all the negative that constantly can riddle our brains.

I'm not here to push prayer onto anyone. I'm here to push compassion, thankfulness and learning to close the door on those things that offer us no love. I'm here to help everyone find what they need to do to be free from what ails us. This was the message from those who blazed the trail before me. This is the message of self-love, self-worth and self-peace.

This is a message to help end suffering

Adam

13 Months/Seattle Marathon/Album Realease

Smoke free for 13 months! Here's 2 things I wouldn't have done if I was still binge smoking and drinking: 

I will be running my 2nd Marathon (Seattle Marathon) on Sunday! I also am releasing my first album finally on Thanksgiving! 

Here's the cover art to it! 

Have a great Turkey Day everyone, especially if it's "cold turkey"! 

Adam

11 Months of Freedom!

11 months is the longest I've made it smoke free, and definitely the longest I've gone alcohol free. I had an 11 month quit in 2004/2005 that I threw away when I felt everything was up against me. This is my final quit! No going back...no reason to throw it all away. Excuses are like buttholes....you no the rest! 

Thanks to all my friends out there working and doing this thing in action, not just words. That used to be my problem. I'd talk the talk, but never walk the walk. No more shuffling my feet! Onward and upward. Any day smoke free is a day of progress! 

(photo from my recent backpacking trip! Me jumping off the rocks into Lake Vivian in the Enchantments in WA) 

Adam

10 Months of the Smober Life!!

The main healthy choices I've made is that I run on a constant basis and my diet has been better for the most part. When I was binging on booze and smokes I also didn't care what else went in my body.

10 months sober and smober. Seems like I finally have woken from the nightmare of addiction that was replaying like Groundhog's Day for years! It was like I was watching the same movie over and over again, with the same results every time I relapsed. The guilt and shame would rush in.

One of the greatest gifts is not having to feel that let down over and over and over anymore. I don't have to feel like a bad person ever again! I still work at it and stay on guard every day. I pray for strength and love for myself and others.

Thanks to everyone here. I love to help others and the help I've gotten is priceless! Love you guys and keep the quit!

Adam
any day smoke free is a day of progress!

303 dyz...Troutnut Repost

(My response to Troutnut's Post):

The universe is right and real in its connection. I have walked the same path and you have helped me dearly in putting down the bottle and the sickarettes. I'm tearing up right now in happy revelation that their are others out there that know what it's like. Those who have felt that same tug of war. I'm so thankful for your amazing words and I am one of your biggest fans. In the end I didn't go the AA route, but I did go to Nicotine Anonymous (though not on my last and final quit). I learned what it means to surrender, and to pray and to take it day by day. This place means the world to us and I'm always happy to have this refuge even if just knowing you all are here when I can't make it. You touched me deeply today and wanted to let you know how much I care and that we are out here. 

Adam 
any day smoke free is a day of progress
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally, it got nasty. Really nasty. I had known for a very long time that I had crossed it. Both with my smoking and my drinking. I remember knowing for at least ten years. I don't remember when it was that I crossed it exactly, and it certainly wasn't marked very well. You would think something that important, that life and death, would be marked more clearly and carefully. People could get seriously hurt not knowing. But eventually, I got it. I knew. Even though it was invisible, I could see it. And I was over. WAY over! What I thought were just a couple of bad habits turned out to be far worse when I took the cute little words and colorful sugar coating off of them. The medical and psychiatric field labeled my smoking and drinking as concurrent chronic multiple terminal diseases. Holy cow! Obviously now, I could see it was kind of serious. Far more serious than a few little vices and bad habits. This was a race to see which could kill me first. Alcohol or tobacco? A true dead heat! 

So I finally admitted, to my innermost self, that I had crossed the invisible line. And that it was killing me. That much was clear. And I knew that I had to do something about it Immediately. So TODAY, that was the day. But I didn't want to tell anyone about it. I didn't want to break any promises. And I definitely wanted to do it on my own! That much was clear. Nobody could know. And then after I had done it, THEN I could tell people about it. Just in case I didn't make it, you know? I didn't want to disappoint anyone again.

 But how would I go about it? That was the question. I just needed to figure that out. But my brain was pretty muddled with 30 years of drinking and smoking. So I figured out I better just have a drink and a cigarette first, just so my mind would function you know. Next thing I was passed out, or blacked out. And I had postponed it again. It was like the movie "Groundhog Day", only with beer, wine, hard liquor, and sickarettes. 

And so it went. The AA Big Book said "Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death." Ditto with sickarettes. Insanity X 2. 

 Several years later, I stood that those gates. Utterly defeated. I dragged myself to an AA meeting on 11/23/1998. I finally surrendered. A couple of years later I used what I had learned in AA to quit smoking on 2/28/2001. And that worked too. Quit-net was instrumental in my recovery and I stick around to share what I have learned, and bring hope to those who have crossed the line like I did. 

I don't know who this message is for today. Every so often I get a message from the universe that there is someone else like me out there. Someone who is on the verge of figuring this out. And re-creating themselves as I needed to. To the best possible version of themselves from the worst possible version. A metamorphous! I know this will be hard to believe, but millions of us now know it is the truth. You don't have to be a drug addict or a boozer to fit in and be cool. The new cool is being healthy, sober, and drug free. Even Hollywood stars are figuring it out. You don't ever need to make yourself sick with drugs or alcohol again if you don't want to. Reality is very cool. 

If you are home alone trying to figure this out like I did, then you are home alone with, and taking advice from, a drug addict. My experience has been that does not not usually work out too well. But here we have access to hundreds of good folks that have found their way out of the cave. And they can show you precisely how they got out. If you can just bring yourself to listen. If you are anything like me in these regards, your life probably depends on getting this right. Give it your all! Ask for help. Yell and scream for help if you have to. 

Your friend in Montana, 
Troutnut1 (dennis)

300 days....A message to my quit friends

Quitting smoking or alcohol or any addiction is 1 day, one moment at a time. It's all we have. I quit smoking and had to quit drinking also. That sort of was the key for me. Life is completely different, with a different focus every day. 

Stick around. Always reach out for help, even when you think you know you're gonna relapse. Post and get help first. I've had a couple moments where I convinced myself completely I was gonna smoke. Even had the cig in my hand....then I thought it all through, went back and got help, stayed the course. I never want to talk lightly about getting that close to smoking, believe me, It scared the shit out of me and I learned my lesson to love myself and to not let anything change that.

Every victory is so damn worth it. Cigs are bullshit. They are a waste of life, we all know that. Time to focus on something different, something bigger. It's time to focus on the meaning of our lives and what we can do to make it better for ourselves and especially those around us!

Have a great day!

Adam

297 dyz...Help Others

Do something nice for somebody else today. That's my mission. Not just one person, but throughout the day. I've noticed I get all wrapped up in my own little world. Worrying about what this and that means, worrying about who cares, who doesn't care, worrying about who hurt me and have I tried hard enough....it's all just a mess and does nothing for me. I'm gonna put my energy into helping others today. Change my ways. 

Adam 
Any day smoke free is a day of progress

295 dyz...Out of the Shame Spiral

Haha girl problems got me down. I'm bigger than that! Ended one relationship to start dating a girl who has a boyfriend. Liked her a lot but had to end it because I felt bad for the guy and I was the dispensable one. It also sorta makes you feel less than yourself and I'm better than that.

Gonna get out for a jog and hang with a friend tonight. Gotta move on. Plenty of fish in the see, without all the baggage!

Come what may I pledge and promise to remain smoke and drink free today! Neither of these solve anything. They just keep you in what I have always called the shame spiral!

Sometimes you have to do the work and put yourself in a better mood knowing how great you are! KTQ

Snagged this quote from @Val C. Thanks Val!

Adam

290 dyz..different is who we are

Life feels so different today. Lots of things going on. Lots of things showing me who I truly am, especially since I escaped the clouds of addiction. It feels good to touch base with your real self and be proud of who you are and who you know you are becoming. 

When I smoked and drank I desired a different life, I desired to be a different person. I've found out I am not a different person, but who I was meant to be! 

 Have a great day my friends and KTQ 

Adam
any day smoke free is a day of progress!

282 dyz....What is your why?

What is your why? This sentence always reminds us to check in with ourselves and question what is important to us and why we do what we do!

Thought I should check in. Trying to get back in touch with myself lately. I've moved on now from the relationship I was in that was sort of bringing me down. Not easy to part because I cared for her. Really trying to dial down on the drama in my life...if that is possible haha! I'm somewhat dating like 3 different girls at the moment. I hope it's not just more trouble ;)

I had a great run today and am so thankful to be alive, to be nicotine and alcohol free! I'm still having some ear/tinnitus issues. I'm setting up a ear appointment soon. May not be able to ever get rid of the tinnitus, but can learn to cope and lessen the symptoms. I don't want to have to give up my running...just gotta take it a bit more easy.

Come what may I pledge and promise to remain smoke and drink free today! Have a great smoke free day my friends and hold your heads high!

Adam
Any day smoke free is a day of progress

252 Dyz...Post Rock N Roll Marathon...

Things are good. I'm still seeing that girl and things are delicate. She seems to be interested in making changes but it's also gonna take some time. Anything else and I'm gone for sure. 

 The marathon went well. I'm only nursing my knee which must've gotten a minor tear. So far just elyptical at gym, but will be running soon as I can. My buddy Brian owns a company called ProMotion that runs the Seattle Marathon in November. He can get me in for free, so I'm gonna do that one next and keep on runnin'! I won't have to train quite as hard now that I'm somewhat up to par. I'm in a place where my mind is thinking "what next?" 

I'm still interested in finding more meaning in my life so I'm still searching, still going to therapy, still praying and trying to stay spiritual and be positive. I feel I'm ready for a career change and it may be environmental work, nutrition, physical therapy or helping others in some way. I have an in through my brother to get into environmental work that could take me into many different areas. 

No drinks, no smokes for me! My mind lately has been wanting to allow me to have a beer here and there, but I know it's something that doesn't work for me with how emotional and sensitive I can be. For the month of July I am finally gonna do the Whole 30 diet. I really want to take some time to eat healthy and see how it effects my mood, my tinnitus and head issues, my running and just overall balance in life. 

I'm so thankful to be smoke and drink free. I'm so thankful I made it to where I am and feel I haven't even touched the tip of the iceberg on the things I want to conquer, the places I want to go, the people I want to be with and the things I want to see! I am so much more free day to day, moment to moment compared to when I felt like a slave only answering to my addictions and feeling less then I knew I was. Keep the quit and see you at the top!

Adam

241dyz....The Day Before

I’m pretty nervous. I have my Marathon early tomorrow morning as many may know. It’s a lot of miles lol. I did do 23 about 2 1/2 weeks ago so I should be fine. My bib has my Quitnet user name on it to remind me of all the hard work I've put into my quit and how far I've made it (and how far I've run lol!) My older brother who has run marathons before is gonna show up and run the last leg with me! Really emotional and excited about that! 

 I just don’t like my head issues (tinnitus) I have which do mess with my running and make me feel a bit wonky afterwards, but it will not stop me :(. 

This week I found my girlfriend, pretty much black out drunk behind her locked bedroom door with another dude she met at a bar. Luckily I caught them quick but if I hadn’t shown up you know what would’ve happened, and I’d still be in the dark. She has a definite alcohol problem and that is something I've been trying to get away from. I'm stepping away from her to heal and to stay on my true path. 

I listened to my intuition that has been stronger since sober and smober. I ask why couldn’t this have happened any week other than marathon week. I feel life is always trying to test me. Now I don’t see it as a reason to smoke and drink, but to propel myself forward, to strengthen my resolve and to keep building the person I love to be, and the example I want to shine for others. 

I love you guys and thanks for all the support. I will report back and hopefully have a few photos to show!! 

KTQ and have a good day everyone! 

Adam

D240...Trust Your Intuition

I've had an intuition that something was up with my girlfriend. I showed up at her place and found her in her bedroom with a dude. She had been drinking. I know she is an alcoholic. We had just got off the phone maybe an hour before with her out of the blue saying she loves me and that I need to trust her and that she wants to only be with me and that she wanted to be with me that night. 

I told her I was heading home but when she was done at the bar to call me. No call. I texted her goodnight and no response. That's when I decided to get up out of bed and sorta trace her steps. I just had a feeling something wasn't right.

I don't know what to say. I got to her house which she shares with others. Front door is always open and I've always been welcome at all times of the day. Her bedroom door was locked and I knocked. She asked who it was and I said "Adam, just wanted to see you and hang out a bit!". The room went silent and so I called her phone. It started ringing and then I said, "obviously your in there". She came out, dude on her bed in the shadows of the bedroom. She then went to the bathroom and said "I didn't even kiss him." 

Her roommates told me she had multiple dudes in and out before, but they didn't really know our relationship so thought maybe it was open so they didn't say anything. She's the one that is always saying she loves me, she wants only me, she wants my baby. I feel so hurt right now but so proud that I followed my gut intuition and decided to track her down. I spoke to her softly and was glad to get her to face what she was doing. It was very painful and I deserve so much better. It's just sad because I did love her and think she's amazing in many ways.

I want to get drunk and smoke right now pretty badly. I just want to feel sorry for myself and be mad at her. I will not smoke or drink though because it just adds another problem on top of this one and would make me feel like the next problem would do the same. I'm never going back to where I was before. I'm never smoking or drinking again. They both have nothing to offer me but pain and suffering and life offers too much of that in the first place. 

 Adam