Day #41...Keep on truckin'!!

I’ve been staying positive and thankful every day, but I’ve had some trying times lately. Nothing huge and bad in life, but sometimes even the smaller things can get under your skin even more. Not that I’d come close to smoking at this point, but I’ve been feeling that irritated feeling. I’ve been having some issues with sores close around to my tonsils and I can feel weird pressure etc. in my ears. I don’t know how to explain exactly but my emotions are trying to make me feel like things are worse since I quit smoking then when I was smoking. It’s trying to convince me that things won’t be any better and that these things won’t go away.

Anyways. I know I just have to have patience and keep on making it one day at a time smoke free. I have faith that I’ll feel better and be able to get out there and do the things I love with more ambition and strength. Today was an easy day at work and I just stuck around and milked the clock in case it got busy. Now I have 2 days off and my schedule is starting to look better with 4 days a week. 

Tomorrow I don't know what I have planned but I'm gonna sleep in and try to hit up the gym. I've been eating a lot of junk since Thanksgiving and I don't think that has helped at all with my head issues and may even be a big part of the problem. I want to work out and feel good, but also have the pull to eat bad food since I'm free of nic and alc. I know things will smooth over in time but I may have to put a little extra effort into making it happen, especially since I want my focus to be on health and preparing for my marathon. 

...Time to wind down and think I'll sleep earlier than usual!

KTFQ

Adam

Day #40...I won't give up

I still felt ok today, but I had a lot of irritated moments today. I keep on having ear, sinus, mouth issues. I don't know what the fuck it is, but it's bugging me and I just want to feel normal and not have head issues. I think with quitting and starting to work out I am healing and trying to get in shape at the same time and my body is trying to get used to the change. Trying to have patience but have had a few blow up moments where I get angry. 

It stems from quitting smoking and facing issues that I don't currently know whether they are temporary or permanent so I feel pissed....but I won't give up. In the past I would usually smoke about it. But that solves not a damn thing. I want to be quit. I don't want to smoke. I don't want to be a slave and I don't want to go back to the negativity and hide from facing my life and what I have to deal with. 

Had a decent day at work. I was out of it a bit and then I napped and went to dinner and movie with Brent. We had a good time and had some thai food and watched the final Hunger Games movie. It was all right. I know it could've been better but it was still decent. Anyways, it was a good day and happy to work tomorrow and then have a bit of time off. Can't wait for my head to feel a bit better and to get back out for a solid work out without feeling to wonky. 

Need to go for a doctor's check up soon and look into getting some contacs and following through at the eye doctor. I got discouraged because the contacs they gave me I can see well with, but I had vision problems with feeling out of touch and almost overly stressed from seeing too well. I don't know how to explain it, but I need to get back in there and find the right ones for me and not be afraid or discouraged that there won't be an answer, because I'm sure we can find a good balance for my eyes and balance etc. 

KTFQ

Adam

Day #39...behind in days

I guess it's a good sign, but I'm behind in the days I've quit. I'm past the 39 day mark and day 40 is ending right now. Tomorrow is day #41....So we'll count this one as a free day! Cheers and KTQ!

Adam

Day #38...Patience

might be a real slow day today. Didn't have to work, have a bit of a head cold pissing me off. Just wanna feel 100% dangit! Have to be patient.

Had a great T-day with friends and family. No nic or alc! It's good to experience these kind of events. They really help me feel content with my decision to be making this big change and I am happy for it. I had a lot of annoyance moments today, but am trying to stay patient and just let today be today. My roommates mother was in town. I took her to one of my favorite parks to at least get outside for a while. Day after T-day and a lot of people were at Discovery Park, but it didn't bother me. It was a beautiful day and I was happy to chat with someone I really didn't know. 


It's become a new thing to overcome meeting someone and find out what they are like, what their life is like, where/when/what they come from and find our differences, what we both believe in and think is funny, what we love, how we see the world etc. It's a refreshing experience and really helps you think a bit harder about who you are and what you believe in when put on the spot.

Come what may I pledge and promise to remain smoke and drink free today!

Adam

Day #37...I already know what giving up feels like....

Good day to everyone. When you get tired of relapsing over and over and over and over....you start to realize there is another option. I gave up so many times I can't even count. I don't truly know someone who relapsed more than I did.

I am at the point where I am excited to see what it's like every day to stay committed even when others don't believe. Even when I don't believe. You either smoke or you don't. I still have a long way to go to have a truly solid quit, but this quote sums up where my mind is today.

A quit buddy a while ago told me to question everything on your path to freedom. Things don't have to be done the same way they used to. You don't have to react to situations the way we used to by lighting up. You don't have to walk down the same streets, hang with the same people. You can do whatever you want, be where you want. Luckily, most of us have that freedom in life to choose what we want, let's allow ourselves that freedom and not be a slave to nicotine!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is thanksgiving around these parts. Excited to see family smoke and drink free!

quit is going strong. I find myself getting pissed off here and there. Sometimes my recovery feels slower than I want it to be, and then other moments I notice how much things have changed in a short amount of time. I try to be as thankful as possible even when my mind is yelling at things and trying to be negative. 

I feel lonely often. I guess it’s because I’m discovering so many wonderful things in life and I want to share them with someone I love. I know though, I’m on a mission to strengthen and love myself and that this is the perfect time, while single, to really find love within myself and work out what I want and need in life without complications from the outside. 

Things can’t always be perfect, but I think me being single is a blessing at this time. I’m getting to know myself well, do things I love, be myself and not give a shit what anyone else thinks. 

Adam

Day #36...pie!

Smoke and drink free day. Stayed busy with life and things I care about instead of dwelling in the addiction cloud. Spent it cooking for Turkey Day.

Made my favorite Strawberry Rhubarb pie, Rosemary Cashew nuts, and Rosemary/garlic/ginger Mashed Potatoes. It was a huge mess and my pies came out pretty ugly but super tasty. I had to snag a piece, hope no one notices ;)

These are all things I wouldn't have been doing if I was smoking. I would be in too much of my usual relapse roller-coaster funk to prepare and I would just be disappointed again. NOT THIS TIME AROUND!

Adam
KTFQ

Day #35...Wolf in sheep's clothing

Quit is safe and guard is up! Smoking is still like the wolf in sheep's clothing. Have to always be prepared. I'm working through things and excited for Turkey Day coming up.

I quit cold turkey, can't wait for some straight out of the oven and piping hot on Thursday!

I'm smoke free and ready for some Zzzzzzzzzzz's

Adam

Day #34...always be thankful/never falter

I guess I chose this quote today, to remind me that tough times come and go. We may mess up at work, we may lose a game, we may break an arm or lose a loved one. There is all different levels of good and bad things happening in life. 

It gets good, it gets bad, it gets smooth, it get rough....some moments are sweet and some days just go sour....ok enough of that shit. All I'm trying to get at is that it all matters how we decide to treat the situations in our lives. We can preach doom and gloom, or we can spread love, thankfulness and help our fellow man. I'm trying to remember to "always be thankful". I guess that's my new quote, because it always seems to lift me to a more positive place then where I was before no matter how light the moment of how heavy the burden. Have faith and never falter from you life's vision. 

Today went by fast. It was Sunday, but my Friday and I pulled a double for the money! A few craves here and there but hell no am I smoking or drinking. Things are getting way too much better in life and I'm growing from all the tough stuff by staying true to my quit!

Just gotta ride the craves. Every time we beat the crave, we have a victory!

Adam

Day 33....late to work

Day started with me 45 mins. late to work. I had a bunch of smoking nightmares again last night. Completely convinced that I gave in and so disappointed about it. Work was a short shift and decent money and then I made it out for an 8 mile jog. Took it easy but my average mile time was still under 9 minutes which is awesome. 

I guess this has become my journal too. I made it out to a house party a few girls that are regulars at my work invited me too. It was pretty mellow with a  bonfire and I just had some NA beers and smoked a little cannabis. I like a little bit here and there. Feels very spiritual and connects me to me. It also helps me stay connected to all the positive I am trying to give and receive from the world around me.

Anyways, time to sleep. At home now snacking since I didn't eat much and worked all day and the jog. 

I'm thankful first off for my quit. Quit comes first over all and that's what I build my new standards and choices off of. Sticking to my commitment to never take another puff!

Adam
 

D32...grumpy day

I don't know why today, but I was grumpy for most of it. I still felt in a good mood, but every time something happened I got pissed off real easy and was a bit of an asshole. They can't all be perfect days, but I tried to flip to the positive side as much as I could. 

I seemed to be feeling sorry for myself. I think I have too many things I want to be accomplishing, but not far enough along. Music, love, health, money. I seem to be out of the limbo of smoking relapse, but in the limbo of getting these things in order. Smoking and drinking would do not a damn thing for me, but keep me in the old rut that I am getting out of. 

All I can say is ONE DAY AT A TIME!

That's all I have. One moment, one day at a time. You can't conquer the world over night, and I am finally active in my life so I know i will get to be where I want to be if I just keep my determination and patience, and keep forging the future I know I can accomplish and be a part of. 

In bet a bit early for me, but I had a good workout and made some decent money at work. All in all it was a successful day. 

I am thankful to be going to bed smoke free and waking up without the cloud of addiction depressing me and making me wish for a way out. I am out and on my way! 

Smoking is no longer an option for me in any situation. It does not a damn thing for us but create and cause unnecessary problems. 

sleep well and KTFQ!

Adam

1 month smoke free!!!

All is good in the hood. Happy to be heading into the holidays smoke and drink free. Starting to feel so much more balanced and content without all the BS of addiction. So thankful to be at a month smober and it's all based off of what I have decided to create and think with my mind and imagination!

I just love the freedom of being able to think about other things like preparing for a marathon, working on my songs and making my favorite strawberry rhubarb pie for thanksgiving. I usually don't have enough money or motivation to do so. I'm tired of all the self-disappointment being a slave to nicotine brings around. So good to shed that weight and stop being a slave!

Have a good day.

I pledge and promise to remain smoke and drink free today no matter what may come my way!

adam

Day #30...BREAK THE CYCLE

 BREAK THE CYCLE

day 30. Will be celebrating a month down tomorrow. time flies, and I have been having fun. I’ve had some really tough moments to face but I’ve known the only way to conquer them is to not smoke and not drink. Sometimes I feel that void but I know my new path will fill it and that smoking only added to that lonely void feeling. One day at a time still. No more time to waste!


Another smoking dream last night. They are always so heart breaking but they help me remember how bad a relapse feels instead of actually relapsing. I was such a serial quitter that my mind has been so used to the repetition roller coaster ride, that it has been mimicking it in my sleep multiple times a week. It's expecting it to happen but not this time!!!

Thanks to everyone and all the support here at the Q. I know I always have a place to go, though I know there may be a time in the future I can't reach out via internet. That's where I know this quit is up to me, and no one else and that I'm doing it for myself!

Thanks for letting me blab about myself. I swear I'm not a selfish person lol, though this addiction can make you feel that way sometimes.

Adam
D30

Day #29....R I D E T H E C R A V E S

R I D E   T H E   C R A V E S

Only way to truly learn how to quit smoking, is to quit smoking.

Have a good day. Jog then Hockey Game with my brother and buddy. I pledge and promise to remain smoke free today no matter what may come my way!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My jog was bigger than I thought. Did an 8 mile run and my average was 8:13 a mile on average. It kicked my ass, but gave me a lot of confidence in knowing I can go further and don't even have to push so hard time wise. I had a healthy meal and then went and watched the Thunderbirds play some ice hockey. They won 5-4 and have been a great team this year so far. They are the #1 US team so far and in about 2nd place in their overall conference. This looks like a great year!



Anyways, I think I'm off to be a little early. I want to try and get some things done before work tomorrow if I feel like it. 


KTQ!

Adam

Learn How to not Smoke ~Gummer RP~

Only way to learn how to quit smoking is....to quit smoking!

 

Have a great day!

Adam

D29 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

LEARN HOW NOT TO SMOKE

From gummer on 8/4/2007 10:32:55 AM

This may seem simplistic... but the only way to learn how to NOT smoke is by NOT smoking. Really, just like a bike, you have to ride it to master it.

Any time you smoke it prevents you from learning what smoking really does and what it doesn't. Smoking after quitting is like throwing yourself off your bike just because you THINK you are going to run into something, or you THINK you can't make that curve... If you do not throw yourself off the bike, and you make the curve... THEN you will have learned a valuable lesson and you will become a better cyclist. Same with quitting.

NOT smoking is what will teach you that the cravings will go away whether you smoke or not. If you smoke you'll never find out.

NOT smoking is what will teach you that smoking didn't actually resolve a problem, that it had no effect on that problem. If you smoke you'll never find out.

NOT smoking is what will teach you that you only smoke because of addiction and that cigarettes otherwise give you nothing. If you smoke you'll never find out.

You must persevere. You must NOT smoke. That is what is going to teach you pretty much everything you need to know. Smoking at any time will deprive you of that knowledge.

Gummer

PS: All the misery yoiu are enduring is not caused by quitting. It was caused by years of smoking. Smoking did this to you. It's high time you got your revenge.

PPS: Try not to see quitting as a deprivation. Because smoking is the deprivation. Think about that... think about all the things smoking deprives you of... starting with freedom and independence.

4 wks...success is no accident

Just so thankful to be smoke free and focused every day. I would not be at 4 weeks smoke free if I didn't make a choice and put my words into action instead of wasting them. 

Today I had therapy, got a workout in and slow cooked a whole chicken in the crockpot. I ate like 6 cookies for lunch.....can't pop that bag on the way home from the grocery store and expect it to still have some in it by the time you get home!

It was a weird day because it was a day off and it started getting dark at 3 pm. I ended up falling asleep and waking up at 8pm. It didn't even feel like I had much of a day, but at least I made it to the gym and caught up in therapy. 

I'm going to start adding some meditation in to my nightly prayer to get in a tranquil yet focused head space before I go to sleep. I have naturally started some new rituals and that's what thing I noticed in therapy. Every night I get my candles going, spend time focused on my progress, pray, meditate and try to spend time being thankful even if I don't feel like it. 

All in all the day went fast, but it was fulfilling. Tomorrow I'm gonna get a workout in, hopefully a jog and then a Tbirds Hockey game with Brent and Jacob. Should be a good day. 

KTQ

Adam

Day #27...One day at a time

This is just one day at a time and trying to focus past the void irritation that smoking has caused. SMOKING HAS CAUSED THIS, not the fact that we are now smoke free.

Anyways, KTQ! Right now all we are doing is making it through the morning, day, night. We know these emotions will come at us, it is part of the process. We just have to keep moving forward and not hit the restart button where we will only get discouraged and have to start the process all over again.

I'm reminding myself and my friends of this because it gets tough. In moments of weakness we start to doubt ourselves. That is bound to happen. It's all about how we decide to react to it though. I choose now to react by being active with my quit. I reach out, talk to support, pray/meditate, take a break, play some music, go for a walk or jog, go to bed early, yell, scream, cry, rant and rave. Do what it takes to keep the quit and every day that I wake, I have an attitude of gratitude to be smoke free and to not be a slave to this addiction that is a dead end waste of life. 

Have a great night and good day and KTQ!

Adam

Day #26...moving right along

I guess today was a day where I felt confident in knowing I wouldn't smoke whether I craved or not. It was another day where I knew no matter what happened in the day, my goal was to rise smoke free, and lay down smoke free. It was a success!

It wasn't the easiest of days, but waking up was not so bad, work was not so bad and the people weren't all that bad either. I feel like the "new me" is formulating and I care for myself and making good decisions more and more each time I stand up for myself or make it through a tough moment! 

I'm in bed a bit early, but I'm comfortable with what I got out of this day and happy to feel energized and awake for tomorrow. I work in the morning and then in the evening a big game for the Seahawks. They are coming off a bye week, they are 4-4 and facing the Cardinals who are the leader of our division. Maybe the most pivotal game of the season. If they lose, the season can go downhill if we're not careful. if we win it'll be a big boost and it will rally our team that I know should be performing better than they are. Hope it turns out as a victory.

Win or lose I pledge and promise to remain smoke and drink free today (11.15.15) no matter what may come my way!

Adam

KTFQ

Adam

Day #25...Big Boy Pants

Today was a pretty chill day. Wasn't faced with any tough moments and I even went out to a few bars with my old friends who were smoking. I wasn't smoking or drinking and I feel content where I am right now. 

A big thing today for me was the fact I signed up for the Rock 'n' Roll Marathon on June 18th, 2016. I still have about 7 months to train and I'm so excited to be doing what I always wanted to do! If I was smoking it would still be something in the back of my mind and a regret. I hope I can train, and not injure myself and mark this off the bucket list. 

Also picked up an extra shift to try and catch up with money. That's about it. It was a good day and I'm thankful to be smoke and drink free and where I have wanted to be...FEELING FREE!

Adam
Wearing my big boy pants with pride!

Day #24....validation

I don't know why today was such a good day, but I was so happy to be part of what feels like my natural routine. The routine of me without the control of addiction or all the baggage. I can't explain how freeing that feels, but it's like my soul has been elevated to a feeling equivalent to the warmth and brightness of the sun and that anything in life is possible. 

It's crazy to explain that I felt this way when just doing random errands through the day, but that's how much addiction drags you down and gives you a negative approach to life, dreading moments and not looking forward to anything. 

Instead of being in the clouds of addiction....

today I got up and jogged to where my car was being fixed (something I would usually dread money wise and I wouldn't have jogged). I love my shop. They do great, less expensive work and I asked for a shirt today and they gave me one with their business info on it. 

I then drove to the lake and went for a jog and did the stairs at the aqua theatre (which I never would've done if smoking). I enjoyed the fall day with leaves blowing around everywhere and hung out with the ducks.

Met up with Ryan at Bauhaus and chatted with him about life and things that are coming up, and living positive minded. 

I then came home, made lunch and started slow cooking some pork ribs which I've tasted and are awesome!

My buddies Malcolm and Jeff contacted me. Malcolm gave me a huge compliment on my music after he listened to my Meadows EP songs. Since I've finally started to pick up my guitar again, it really shot some energy into me to get my music going. I'm so excited to explore the thing I've always loved the most, my music! Well, I met up with Malcolm and Ben and chatted about music and getting the ball rolling, and I did it alcohol free! 

I then met up with Jeff at Seamonster Lounge since his buddy is the drummer for Marmalade, and Funk Love is the lead sing who I know. We had a great talk and I found out he quit drinking about 3 months ago. It really helped validate all that I've been doing, to see that my buddy is taking similar steps as I am to better life! It made the whole night easier not having to be around drinking even if I was out at a club. 

All in all it was a great day and I got a lot done, saw a lot of influential and great people in life and it really makes me feel like I have found my true path, day to day. 

I am so thankful to be smoke free today. It means so much more than just the act of smoking. It's more the fact that I used it to be destructive towards myself, and feel worse about myself and life that makes smoking a miserable thing!

Keep busy. Stay humble. Stay steadfast. No wallowing. No doubt. No moping about. No more wasted time!!!

BE ALWAYS THANKFUL!!!

Adam

Staying Quit in a Nutshell

This is the biggest and best thing to think about and remember after quitting smoking...or reaching any goal. You have to want it more than just that initial push. More than when everything around you can seem to fall away. More than all the failure and loneliness may come about. In those tough moments when your faced with one "YES or NO" moment after another....that's when you truly have to stand up and say "I AM WINNING THIS WAR! I WILL NOT GIVE IN WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH OR WHEN THINGS AREN'T PERFECT!"

Keep the Quit and never give in, because that is giving up!

Adam

Day #23...RISE FROM DARKNESS

TODAY, AT THE END OF THE DAY, I JUST FORCED MYSELF TO GO TO BED EARLY. THE DARKNESS WAS TRYING TO EAT ME UP AND GET ME TO DO THE THINGS I AM TRYING TO GET FREED FROM. JUST LIKE RISING FROM DARKNESS, I CAN WAKE TOMORROW, SMOKE AND DRINK FREE AND SHINE MY LIGHT FEELING FREE!


The craves were at bay until night time. I started wanting it all over again real bad. The booze and the smokes. My mind starts questioning me and trying to get me to believe that I'm just gonna give in sooner or later so what's all the fuss! FUCK THAT NOISE! I DON'T LISTEN TO THE JUNKY ANYMORE!!!


I refocused my head, pledged again to stay smoke and drink free for the night and got home as fast as I could.

I hate it and I hate how much the junky mind tries to go against me. It became such a habit for me to quit and then give in on the easiest of excuses. I'm not giving up on those excuses anymore! Fuck that!

Adam
KEPT THE FUCKING QUIT!

D23

EMERGENCY REFOCUS THE QUIT LIST ~RP~

 This is a great repost to go over when you need to refocus the quit or shut the old junky mind chatter up! Always find the support you need and never give up! Smoking is giving up! NOPE!

Adam
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today is a great day to get geared up and prepared for your quit process. 

Revisit your motivations: 
Why are you really interested in keeping this quit? 
What will you gain from being a nonsmoker? 
Is your quality of life important to you? Why? 
Who is supporting you through this? 
How will they support you? 

ASK for support and be specific about what you need! Revisit your quit process: What has worked well in previous quits? What has worked well in the past 15 days? Write it down! Do more of it. What has not worked so well? 

Stress issues? What are 5 things you can do that are relaxing and comforting to you? Write it down. Do them! Boredom? What are 5 things you can do that are fun and rewarding? Write it down. Do them! Depression? This happens, quit or not. 

Day to day life, moods in general, people, situations, lack of interest ...it happens if you are bored or stressed or dwelling on what you are missing instead of what you enjoy. Keep your activity levels up and reach out to friends and family. Do something fun or meaningful instead of dwelling on stopping smoking. 

 Missing cigarettes? When do you miss them? What are you REALLY needing in that moment? What can you do that is inspirational and of value to you, personally? Really think it through, write it down, and do it. Commit to practicing those new behaviors every day for the next 2 months of your quit process. 

Now, add your personal, well thought out answers to the following: How will you be relaxing and rewarding and unwinding and enjoying and comforting and entertaining and cheering yourself up each and every day? 

 List at least 10 possible activities. Do one of them every time you feel like you cannot make it without a smoke. 

How will you address habitual triggers like after meals, morning coffee, socializing, reading, watching TV, driving, between tasks and so on? List at least 10 possible distractions. Do one of them every time you feel like you cannot make it without a smoke. 

Remember, instead of doing 'nothing' ~ get busy! Create new rituals and new patterns and new activities and new habits and new thoughts to replace the old cigarettes and the current void. Practice actively living as a nonsmoker each and every day by engaging in these new behaviors and new emotional coping tools and new habits. That way, you will not feel stressed or bored or anxious or lost. And you will not start 'romancing' the cigarettes. 

If you actively 'Fill the Void', you will not have room or reason to miss smoking! Stopping smoking can literally save your life. It is well worth taking the time and effort to move forward as a nonsmoker! 

Good luck, keep up the good work, keep going and KTQ! 
Vikki Q Counselor

Day #22...Weak Week is OVER!!!

I made it through. Shit gets real though and your mind wants to loop straight back into the old bullshit. Seems to happen every time I get off of work so I prepare myself to get support at the Quitnet forum and I usually grab a snack, pledge, pray and get my ass home ASAP. Relapse is such a sad feeling and I'm done with it! It's like I desire to feel sorry for myself and then I go straight to wanting to binge on smoking and drinking.

Not gonna happen! I've got to great of a day planned for tomorrow to go and ruin it by smoking tonight and then waking to realize my nightmare happened. Gotta get up early to fix the car, hit the gym and then off to work. I don't want to go through that bullshit every again and I won't!

Adam
D22....KTFQ

D#21....Purpose will find you

On track to finding my purpose. Whether it's music, health, helping others...I know that my life is better without smoking in it. 

I absolutely love running and used to all the time when I had my 11 month quit. Smoking always ruined it for me. Now that I'm at 3 weeks, time to accomplish some goals that'll keep my mind off the BS of smoking. 

Obviously I can't replace running with smoking in a sense that if I get injured, I can't just go back...but I can't let the addiction put fear into me and keep me from doing the things I love! I'M KEEPING THIS QUIT SAFE AND SOUND! 

I had a great therapy session and proud to be hitting my 3 week mark sober and smober. So many more important things on the horizon. I enjoyed today, felt the love I have for myself and others grow and am excited to share the spirit that I have to offer. 

Here to stay smober. Here to stay accountable. Here to KTQ!

Adam
D21

Day #20...freedom

I have candles and incense lit. I did a little meditation session tonight and would like to keep that going as a daily ritual. It really opened me up and connected me with the feelings that sometimes feel blocked but that need to be experienced and released. Started crying. I am gaining empathy for the pain that I have felt from the suffering of this addiction. It is a healing process. We've been through a lot and this is still new every day. 

Never ceases to amaze me, how powerful this all is. Quitting smoking is like getting your life back. It is like being freed from an inner slavery you feel you had lost all control over. I don't know how it built so big, but I suffered a lot from this addiction and am now opening up to realize how angry I am towards it. 

The negativity has always been channeled towards myself instead of the addiction. I don't deserve the self-hate. We don't deserve the self-hate. The addiction and all its back stabbing does. It deserves all of it.

I am thankful to be drink and smoke free today. I am thankful of all that I am learning and am proud of myself and the choices I have been making. I am thankful for my family, friends, house, job, nature....list goes on and on.

Most of all I am thankful to feel love for myself again and that I have a chance to share that with the people around me. I hope to heal old wounds with people I care about and to help those who are in greater need than I. 

KEEP THE QUIT. It is the key to a balanced lifestyle committed to faith in ourselves, god, family and the world around us. 

Adam
D20

Honesty with Alocohol

So far, any time I've wanted to drink, I've wanted to smoke. I've wanted to do both and just get lit up and feel sorry for myself. Feel sorry for myself and say "WHY ME? WHY CAN'T I GET THINGS RIGHT? WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY?"

It makes no sense to smoke and drink, to sabotage myself just so I can feel sorry for myself and feel like my life is miserable when that is a complete and utter junky lie! It's a huge lie that I've been repeating for over a decade!!!

I'm not drinking any time soon...I've fallen for that bullshit mindfuck backwards ass game too many times. I may be even done with it but I hope that I can get to where I can have a drink without smoking sometime in the future. If not, then that's the card I've been dealt. I will not fuck up my quit anymore!

Adam

Day #19...I ams what I ams

I just found myself getting depressed after work over looking at other people's lives and thinking they have something better than I have. Better job, better looks, better support, the voice I want for singing, more money, the love I wish I had, the body, the time, the friends....etc.

What does this thinking do for me? What is the purpose? Where does it take me?

I realize it only breeds negativity to think someone has more than you. It gets you no where and offers you nothing. This is what it does. It gives you depression, makes you feel less than and unworthy of lover and happiness. We can't do this to ourselves.

It puts up barriers in your life where you think something isn't possible, so might as well not do it or think that you are special. Example: Thinking someone has a better singing voice than I. All it does is make me feel "whats the point?". They can offer what I have with a better sound so why try? 

It keeps me from reaching my full potential. It keeps me from exploring myself and doing what I love. This is a thought that I've had before. We can't always avoid these feelings, it's just about what we decide to believe. Someone in my eyes may sing better than me, but then that person may think the same thing about someone else. It's all perspective. 

I guess what I'm getting at is that it's time in life to explore all that I've got 100%. Become comfortable with trying new things out and to not be ashamed of where I'm at in life and what I have to offer. Get comfortable with failure. Success won't happen without failure. Go outside the boundaries we have set for ourselves and become our original selves. When we do that, and don't copy any one out of fear of thinking they are better....than we offer up something that no one else can match or create!

I know with quitting smoking, I can reach my full potential. This is done one day, one step at a time. I can't just throw in the towel when the going gets tough, or when I feel I feel alone after a long week of work. I can't just give up when I feel nothing has changed, especially when I haven't even given things time to blossom. 

I'm tired of giving up and giving in to the negative things that destroy the truth. The truth that we can be whatever we want in life, we can accomplish anything that life throws at us. No dream is bigger than what we are capable of!

I hope this seems somewhat complete and not just a ramble....but it is a bit of just my brain rattling late night. 

KTFQ and never settle in life!

Adam
D19

Day #18...delayed a blog day....

In all reality I delayed a day because today is actually day 19. At 1pm I completed day #18. In order to catch up I'm just bullshitting this one and going to post day 19 also. Blah blah blah, nothing to see here. 

Adam
KTQ

Day #17....skunked but only looking up ^^^

Went out fishing and got skunked. Thought I'd for sure be coming back with multiple fish. I don't know if I even really had a fish bite. So ticked off haha! That's the way it goes with fishing and so goes life. The water was up an extra 20 feet or so and changed everything. 


Anyways, I'm thankful I made this trip smoke free and got to breathe fresh air and get a work out. I keep getting more and more excited about the fact I'm going to train for a marathon. I know it's gonna be a lot of work and I need to take it slow as my body is healing, but I am giving myself a lot of time to build my endurance, energy and strength. This will be a great day to day effort that goes along with my daily pledge to remain smoke and drink free!  

Off to bed. I work a double tomorrow and want to get enough rest. 

Adam
KTFQ

Day #16...Life as an Arrow

I do feel like this is happening to me. I'm still just moving forward because I've made up my mind with quitting smoking....but life sure as hell is testing my patience. I am experiencing difficult times right now which seems to prolong things and pull me backwards. Quitting smoking I know is the beginning of a new method to propel me forward and into the next chapter of my life. I'm tired of wasting time on smoking and all the thoughts that are just a waste of time because they are there just to sabotage you. I'm putting my mind on other positive things as much as possible.

I've been waking up pissed and slower than I used to, but Ryan messaged me and I got out of bed and ran some stairs with him. It was a brutal 20 minute workout. Usually I run or do something that takes up more time, but stairs will kick your ass right quit, and it helps you with developing quick bursts of energy!

Heading out fishing tomorrow with Sean for work. I hope it'll be a great experience. I know that my buddy Paul thinks I'm giving too many people info about the fishing hole, but the water will never be this low at the Cle Elum again, so it really doesn't matter. 

Anyways, off to slumber land. 

Adam 
KTFQ

Day #15...pissed off

Been staying positive for the most part. I try to be thankful about all that I have and focus on those things. Well, today I’m pissed off. 


Been broke = stressed
can't tip coworkers out because no cash tips=pissed and people eye balling me
I've been sick = annoying
my tinnitus (constant ringing of the ears) is worse because sick = drives me crazy
turn fan on to drown out the noise in my head and smash my knee against edge of bed = pain

haven't smoke or drank in 2 weeks = priceless

Will smoking help a damn thing? NO. Will drinking until I relapse do a damn thing? NO

I pledge to remain smoke and drink free today no matter what may come my way! Writing this has calmed me down.

Adam

Day #14...Out of Heck Week!!

I'm thankful to have made it 2 weeks smoke and drink free. I took myself out to a movie and watched 'The Martian'. A great movie adapted from a book. It was funny and moving and just what I needed to keep strengthening my smoke free life. There are endless pathways and places we can find ourselves. I aim to never stop exploring life. I'll take it one moment, one day at a time and won't waste it anymore smoking cigarettes and feeling sorry for myself!
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A paragraph to see where I've been and where I won't go any more:

I've relapsed a million times. Always due to either emotions, or drinking or a combo of both. I had an 11 month quit in 2004. I smoked one cig when I hit rock bottom in 2015. Lost my job, my girlfriend, wasn't in school, wasn't pursuing my music. One cig and here I am 10 years later, 2 weeks quit....I've been dragging through the muck of relapse for and out of all my quits (longest 120 days since the 11 month quit) this one is the one I trust and know is my chance out of this mess! I'm at 2 weeks now and it's been tough, but I have you guys and I have the choice in every moment to stay smoke free and to keep moving forward!
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 Just got home for work. That is a trouble time for me. I usually run off, get drunk and chain smoke. Instead I take a moment to get my head straight, post on Quitnet, contact a quit smoking buddy, say a prayer, drink some cold water, grab a lollipop and yell at the top of my lungs if need be that "I WILL NOT SMOKE TONIGHT NO MATTER WHAT!! FUCK THAT BULLSHIT! I'M SICK OF THE DAMAGE AND RELAPSE!!!!"

Thankful to be home and smoke free! Thankful to be moving forward and not in the shame spiral fearing life! KTFQ!

Adam
2weeks

Embrace your fear...accept your quit ~RP~

I like this post that a quit friend posted today on Quitnet. Fear is a #1 subject with quitting smoking and the struggle. We've held on to smoking through thick and thin for years. Thinking we need it to get through tough moments or to feel ourselves. It is a corrupt illusion. It is a brainwashing and we have to embrace this fear head on to move past it and into our smoke free lives. 

Adam
D13
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 " embrace your fear...accept your quit. When a crave starts: Sit down...close your eyes... relax your body... especially your shoulders. Now..... allow the crave into your mind.... completely.... start to finish.....until it stops. It will take about 2 minutes... or so. It will be intense..... so remember....keep relaxing your body....especially your shoulders. Doing this will allow you to know what causes your fear/anxiety. Knowing this..... will allow your courage to grow. Do this with ALL your craves.....experience them... don't fight them. Namaste" 

~Bertram A.

Day #13...DON'T WAIT!

We are all on the brink of something amazing happening every day. I'm trying to live life on the edge of my seat while being thankful throughout the day. I'm sick of negativity though it tries so hard to bring us down. Smoking is negativity. Everything about it, at least for me. 

I'm thankful to be smoke free today in a new month, with new possibilities and pathways to explore!

I pledge and promise to remain smoke and drink free today no matter what may come my way! 
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A little bit of contrast at the end of the day today. I got lonely all the sudden after work. Listened to my motivational videos and a Wayne Dyer video. Talking positive thoughts and gonna head to bed early...oh yeah, and had some cinnamon bread sticks with icing on them and a NA beer.

In the clear and just gonna watch something else motivational until I fall asleep and pray. Not religious but it helps me to just pray and be thankful for all that I have in life.  

Adam 
D13