Only I can make the change!

A little bit of everything. Lots to write about. I woke up after a week straight of drinking pretty hard, feeling sorry for myself and feeling like I had no way out. Day in, day out trying to quit and then lighting up and then running off and getting drunk. This is the shame spiral that I get into when I've hit the bottom. Last Saturday when I went to work, got pissed off at a co-worker, and punched him in the face in anger. I mean, I had been drinking hard for a while before that. I work in the restaurant industry and everyone around me seems to be a drinker, and I've always loved it, the main thing I hate is that it has kept me from quitting smoking and then they both have been spiraling together as the numbing agent for feeling like I can't live the type of life I want to which is bullshit every time to think that way.

 Ok, so I know I was in a mood from all this build up before the punching incident of feeling stuck and hating it. I think when this guy pissed me off, punching him became part of this fake, failing world that is part of the shame spiral. I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't in this mess I've let go on for too long. I am angry at myself, angry at life that their isn't an easier way. 


My car was stolen about a week ago, and I was about 3 days quit. Used it as an excuse. Car isn't back, but I decided to start smoking. I started a quit a few days back and at 2:45 am I decided to run off and smoke, even though I had told my closest quit friends I was done and wrote up a whole quit contract, signed it and put it on the wall in my bedroom. I came back feeling terrible after a long walk to get the smokes. I had plenty of time to turn around and go home and keep my promise, but I decided to feel sorry for myself and hope that me relapsing once again would show someone, anyone that I'm suffering and feeling sorry for myself. Did nothing but keep me smoking and I got a nasty panic attack and had to fall asleep on the floor because I was so uncomfortable and couldn't breathe from the panic that I had to lay down on the floor in order to breathe. Once again, a panic attack due to smoking and all the anxiety from relapse and feeling depressed about the whole thing. 

the one thing that is baffling is that this addiction is causing all these problems. Not the stolen car, but the panic and the punching, the depression and anxiety. It all stems from my addiction and how much it effects me negatively. That's why it makes no sense to go back to smoking when it is the one thing that has started this downward spiral in the first place. 

It is a black hole and not a fun way to exist day in and day out always fixated on not smoking, then smoking, not smoking, then smoking. The only true answer to this conundrum is....you guessed it......to not smoke. PERIOD!!!! It is the problem, life is not the problem. I'm not crazy, or a bad person, I don't deserve the misery...it's all the effects of addiction, not making peace and not moving on!

It all started with quitting smoking and being a huge serial quitter, pretty much day in and day out for 10 years. In the last few years, my drinking started become a problem with trying to stay off the cigs. I feel like I have made it somewhat a problem when it didn't need to be, but I have to correct it now in order to get free. I would use the drinking as an excuse in whatever way to smoke again, because my guard would be down and I'd either be in a really good mood and say fuck it, or I'd be in a bad mood and say fuck it. 

Adam