Close the Door (800 days)

CLOSE THE DOOR!!! 

800 days free from the slavery that went along with smoking. Happy New Year to everyone! Not around here much, but I do always keep this site as my default web page. I quit drinking in order to quit smoking and haven't touched either since. Alcohol was the door I kept open. Alcohol was the hole I kept falling in. Quitting both is what finally helped me close the door on the relapse world I was living in for 10 years. I had to realize that if I drank, I smoked. If I smoked, I drank. Different for everyone. That is my reality. 

It's nice now to help other people that are beginning their path to freedom. One thing I tell everyone is that you have to close the door on those things that give you an excuse to smoke. Each person has those few thoughts, or few people, or few feelings, or few places....whatever it is, that gets you to brake and reach for nicotine when you know you don't want it. You have to be 100% honest with yourself, and face those things, and close the door on them. It's good to know others have been through the tough stuff and that they understand those things you have felt and gone through. 

I know I may not be saying anything new, but I have a true testament of what it takes to be free from the bondage of addiction. I know I can never have another puff...not one little puff. I know if I drink alcohol, I will sooner or later reach for a smoke. I tried to defy the odds a million times, with the same result every time. I'd be back to my 15 a day and hating myself for it. Exercise and clean living take a back seat when I'm smoking. Binge drinking ensues and bad eating habits make me put on an extra 25 lbs. That's the reality. That's the shame spiral that I was in for 20 years (Not that my story is the worst, but I was very unhappy). 

Close the door on those things you know in your heart are holding you back and only offer negativity. Close the door on those things you are afraid to let go of. That is the only way you'll truly be able to embrace your quit and free yourself from the phantom limbs of addiction! 

Adam 
Happy New Year

2 years SMOBER!

2 years nicotine.....and alcohol free! 

It seems surreal. I have a long story leading up to now like everyone. All I can say is finally, finally....I mean finally after like 10 years of relapse I knew I had to get rid of these things to move on with my life. I was in what I call the "shame spiral" of addiction. So much self abuse and negativity. I'm so glad I don't face that every day any more. 

Things aren't perfect but they are night and day compared to how I used to live! Love everyone here and thanks for the support! Keep up the good work and remember, any day smoke free is a day of progress! 

 Adam 2 years SMOBER!

No Man's Ocean...500 Days

No Man's Ocean: When we first quit, it is like leaving the shore line with a vast ocean ahead of us. We board our quit boat and set off on our journey not sure of what's ahead. Fear is looming but we know we have to leave to start fresh. It's tough to go and seek new lands and new possibilities in life. At first we want to return because we can still see the shore and all that we left behind. 

The cigs were our so called "friends" staring and calling back at us from shore. But we know they only offer negativity and bad health. If we go back, we know nothing will change and our efforts will be for not. We will have given up on our voyage, never giving ourselves the chance to see what we are capable of and where we could end up. 

The fear can come and try to sweep us back to shore. To me it's more like no man's ocean than no man's land, and the cravings are the waves beating at us over and over again...but if we get out far enough, we make it past the breakers and find we aren't alone. 

Others have found their own private Islands, and built new homes and new foundations. The waters are calmer and our friends help us find our own way, help us find new sources for survival. They lead us to our own secret lands where anything is possible. We have the chance to start new and explore life's possibilities with a new found freedom that staying on shore could never offer. 

I feel I have been in no man's ocean, but I know I am arriving at my destination. It doesn't happen over night. The natural journey of our quit builds the foundation of our new lives, our new homes on our own private Islands. We stand amongst all the people that gave a damn while we were gritting through the ups and downs of our recovery. 

We must stay resilient and see this thing through. We must live in the future every day. We must have faith and believe that we will reach our destination before we are there. Use your imagination and keep seeing what you are not now but what you will become! That's the only way to get off the shore of addiction and on the island of freedom. 

Adam

13 Months/Seattle Marathon/Album Realease

Smoke free for 13 months! Here's 2 things I wouldn't have done if I was still binge smoking and drinking: 

I will be running my 2nd Marathon (Seattle Marathon) on Sunday! I also am releasing my first album finally on Thanksgiving! 

Here's the cover art to it! 

Have a great Turkey Day everyone, especially if it's "cold turkey"! 

Adam

1 YEAR MILESTONE

WOW! I feel this is the milestone I've been waiting for! Nicotine and Alcohol free for a full year! Now it's time to keep on moving forward and keep healing! One day at a time! I was first to pledge at Quitnet on my special day!

;) Thanks for all the help here at the Q and beyond!

Adam

11 Months of Freedom!

11 months is the longest I've made it smoke free, and definitely the longest I've gone alcohol free. I had an 11 month quit in 2004/2005 that I threw away when I felt everything was up against me. This is my final quit! No going back...no reason to throw it all away. Excuses are like buttholes....you no the rest! 

Thanks to all my friends out there working and doing this thing in action, not just words. That used to be my problem. I'd talk the talk, but never walk the walk. No more shuffling my feet! Onward and upward. Any day smoke free is a day of progress! 

(photo from my recent backpacking trip! Me jumping off the rocks into Lake Vivian in the Enchantments in WA) 

Adam

10 Months of the Smober Life!!

The main healthy choices I've made is that I run on a constant basis and my diet has been better for the most part. When I was binging on booze and smokes I also didn't care what else went in my body.

10 months sober and smober. Seems like I finally have woken from the nightmare of addiction that was replaying like Groundhog's Day for years! It was like I was watching the same movie over and over again, with the same results every time I relapsed. The guilt and shame would rush in.

One of the greatest gifts is not having to feel that let down over and over and over anymore. I don't have to feel like a bad person ever again! I still work at it and stay on guard every day. I pray for strength and love for myself and others.

Thanks to everyone here. I love to help others and the help I've gotten is priceless! Love you guys and keep the quit!

Adam
any day smoke free is a day of progress!

300 days....A message to my quit friends

Quitting smoking or alcohol or any addiction is 1 day, one moment at a time. It's all we have. I quit smoking and had to quit drinking also. That sort of was the key for me. Life is completely different, with a different focus every day. 

Stick around. Always reach out for help, even when you think you know you're gonna relapse. Post and get help first. I've had a couple moments where I convinced myself completely I was gonna smoke. Even had the cig in my hand....then I thought it all through, went back and got help, stayed the course. I never want to talk lightly about getting that close to smoking, believe me, It scared the shit out of me and I learned my lesson to love myself and to not let anything change that.

Every victory is so damn worth it. Cigs are bullshit. They are a waste of life, we all know that. Time to focus on something different, something bigger. It's time to focus on the meaning of our lives and what we can do to make it better for ourselves and especially those around us!

Have a great day!

Adam

252 Dyz...Post Rock N Roll Marathon...

Things are good. I'm still seeing that girl and things are delicate. She seems to be interested in making changes but it's also gonna take some time. Anything else and I'm gone for sure. 

 The marathon went well. I'm only nursing my knee which must've gotten a minor tear. So far just elyptical at gym, but will be running soon as I can. My buddy Brian owns a company called ProMotion that runs the Seattle Marathon in November. He can get me in for free, so I'm gonna do that one next and keep on runnin'! I won't have to train quite as hard now that I'm somewhat up to par. I'm in a place where my mind is thinking "what next?" 

I'm still interested in finding more meaning in my life so I'm still searching, still going to therapy, still praying and trying to stay spiritual and be positive. I feel I'm ready for a career change and it may be environmental work, nutrition, physical therapy or helping others in some way. I have an in through my brother to get into environmental work that could take me into many different areas. 

No drinks, no smokes for me! My mind lately has been wanting to allow me to have a beer here and there, but I know it's something that doesn't work for me with how emotional and sensitive I can be. For the month of July I am finally gonna do the Whole 30 diet. I really want to take some time to eat healthy and see how it effects my mood, my tinnitus and head issues, my running and just overall balance in life. 

I'm so thankful to be smoke and drink free. I'm so thankful I made it to where I am and feel I haven't even touched the tip of the iceberg on the things I want to conquer, the places I want to go, the people I want to be with and the things I want to see! I am so much more free day to day, moment to moment compared to when I felt like a slave only answering to my addictions and feeling less then I knew I was. Keep the quit and see you at the top!

Adam

7 Months Smober

7 months today! I am very thankful to be alcohol and nicotine free. I still have a lot of work to do, but life is one day at a time. I spend my time thinking about those things that can better my life, instead of dwelling on regret, guilt, shame and self-hate. I have found there is an answer for everything in time. 

The main thing I don't miss is the constant battle of going back and forth between smoking and quitting. I did that for 10 plus years with 1000's of quits. I mean 1000's! I left a lot of things abandoned and abused in my wake. Quitting smoking is freedom from all the neglect and wasted days. 

Smoking offers nothing for me but pain and suffering and giving up on self. It feels good to free myself from that pattern, and peel back the onion that built around me for so many years. Thanks for all your support. Love you guys! 

Adam

6 Months Smober!

 

Today was my 6 month milestone!! No nicotine or alcohol the whole time! Played in the sun and worked all day. Forgot to post something. I was waiting and waiting for this day...and now it's over and I forgot to pay attention. Isn't that the way it goes haha! 

Thanks so much to all my friends in real life and all my online support. Sounds cliche but couldn't do it without knowing you all are here and always ready to help each other. Have a great night and a beautiful day tomorrow. Been a solid 80 degrees the last few days here in Seattle! Such nice weather! Adam

5 months nic and alc free

This is the contract I wrote and signed the day I quit! It's on my wall and it is a great reminder that we have to remember why we quit and where we came from to get where we are today!



I had a really shitty few days towards the end of last week. I got all the way to the point where I had bought smokes, took one out of the pack and I had it in my mouth! When I was about to light it, the man from the bodega I bought them from came outside and lit up a cigarette. 



I hesitated and watched his actions. He let out a big puff and a sigh and I looked into the sunset. I remembered back to all the moments I had where I had lit up and wished I had a way out of the boredom and monotony of smoking. I could feel that stagnant notion where you feel burdened by the same old same old junky routine and wasted days over and over and over.

I started talking to the guy about how crazy of a car ride I had just taken through a storm and by then I had put the cigarette and lighter away. Before I had no doubt in my head I was gonna smoke and binge on alcohol, but I found myself coming back to reality. I took off in my car and gave the pack away and couldn't believe how close to the edge I had let myself get. 

I am so glad I didn't smoke. That has been my toughest moment yet. That was really scary. I'm really starting to slow my life down more and give myself to rest, eat healthy, work when need be and follow my hobbies. I was pushing myself too hard, and it was slowly turning into what felt like defeat, which led to me believing life was no better sober, which almost led me back to relapse. 

I have to remember to take a deep breathe, center myself and realize everything is going to be alright! It's time to take care of ourselves and to keep making progress, even if that means only a smoke free day lounging in sweat pants. That is still a day we didn't do the one thing that we don't want to do. It's still a day to feel accomplished

Have a great smoke free day friends!

Adam
150dyz

4 months smoke free

I'm tired of wasting time on things that aren't important. Family is important. Happiness and working towards it is important. Being ourselves, finding ourselves, healing ourselves and not letting anyone take these things from us is important. have a good day or night wherever you are. 

Today marks the longest quit I've had since 2005 when I threw away an 11 month quit. I don't really know how important this date is, I'm not trying to put a time stamp on anything. Quitting is one day at a time and smoking is no longer ever an option for me. NO MATTER WHAT!

Adam 

100 dyz...Elder's Lodge

I love this quote above. At first I thought it was ego driven, but then I realized how motivating it is. That we have a choice on how we decide to change our lives and believe ourselves to be whatever we want to be even before it has happened. 

That is such a powerful anecdote to apply to our lives to never give up and always believe in ourselves even when in darkness. Even when completely alone. Even when there is no success to be found. Our mind is our driving force. It is up to us to find the light and lift ourselves out of the darkness and on to the correct path. There is always a choice. 
 

At the Quitnet forum they call you and Elder at 100 days smoke free. Elder Adam. Sounds like a mormon missonary haha! So thankful to be smoke free and alcohol free one day at a time. It's a great way to get to know yourself.

I still have to stay diligent every day. I see my mind try to go soft and that's when I pick up the pace and get support. My toughest time has bee Sunday nights. That's the end of the work week and when I used to let loose and get wasted and smoke like crazy knowing I had a few days off.

Now I see Sundays as a gift, knowing I am free to do whatever the heck I want without feeling like a slave to the nicodemon! Obviously I know the nicodemon isn't some outside force. We control our quits, we have the power!

Have a great day!

Adam

3 months Quit...No Man's Ocean

No Man's Ocean: 

When we first quit, it is like leaving the shore line with a vast ocean ahead of us. We board our quit boat and set off on our journey not sure of what's ahead. Fear is looming but we know we have to leave to start fresh. It's tough to go and seek new lands and new possibilities in life. At first we want to return because we can still see the shore and all that we left behind. 

The cigs were our so called "friends" staring and calling back at us from shore. But we know they only offer negativity and bad health. If we go back, we know nothing will change and our efforts will be for not. We will have given up on our voyage, never giving ourselves the chance to see what we are capable of and where we could end up. 

The fear can come and try to sweep us back to shore. To me it's more like no man's ocean than no man's land, and the cravings are the waves beating at us over and over again...but if we get out far enough, we make it past the breakers and find we aren't alone. 

Others have found their own private Islands, and built new homes and new foundations. The waters are calmer and our friends help us find our own way, help us find new sources for survival. They lead us to our own secret lands where anything is possible. We have the chance to start new and explore life's possibilities with a new found freedom that staying on shore could never offer. 

I feel I have been in no man's ocean, but I know I am arriving at my destination. It doesn't happen over night. The natural journey of our quit builds the foundation of our new lives, our new homes on our own private Islands. We stand amongst all the people that gave a damn while we were gritting through the ups and downs of our recovery. 

We must stay resilient and see this thing through. We must live in the future every day. We must have faith and believe that we will reach our destination before we are there. Use your imagination and keep seeing what you are not now but what you will become! That's the only way to get off the shore of addiction and on the island of freedom. 
 
Adam

2 months alcohol and nicotine FREE!

I've posted this quote, seen others and will probably do it again. This to me, is the most important thing to remember on this journey. We've made the commitment, and it's our job to stay vigilant moment to moment and remember the promise we made to ourselves. 

I can see my mind using excuses to accept the negativity, to try and feel depressed and accept my downfalls as the end result. When I smoked, I was always answering it "yes, I believe that life is too hard, yes I will smoke and give in to the thoughts that I'm not good enough". That thought process became a habit every time I would answer the negative with another negative. We have to re-program our minds to end a negative with a positive instead. 

The "dark side" can be ever persistent, but we must show that we are in control, and that the show must go on. We can't look back to where we once were but to remember where we came from. I don't envy where I was. I felt like I was living in my own shadows and now I have come out to reveal my true nature and who I have always wanted to be. 

I guess I needed to ramble a bit. I've been a bit depressed and have had a few ailments holding me back, but life has been 1000% more enjoyable since I quit smoking. 

2 months quit and I couldn't be more thankful for all the friends and support here, and I'm so proud of my efforts in being smoke and drink free! 

Cheers, 
Adam

50 days clean and sober

This won't be a long one. It's late and it's time to move on to the next day. Things have been going fast for me. I've had both ups and downs and I don't always want to be positive but I'm sick of the negative. I've been learning to transfer negative to positive and always try to be thankful and look for what I can make work out of a bad situation. 

Smoking has always been negative for me. It keeps fear, guilt, shame and self hate alive. Every moment, day, week, month I stay smoke free I am that much further from nicotine and the junky voices. I am that much further away from all the drag down emotions that are connected to it!

I am thankful for all the support I get from my friends, family and online support. I am so thankful to be doing what I've wanted to be doing for years and keep the quit no matter what may come my way!

Adam
always thankful

1 month smoke free!!!

All is good in the hood. Happy to be heading into the holidays smoke and drink free. Starting to feel so much more balanced and content without all the BS of addiction. So thankful to be at a month smober and it's all based off of what I have decided to create and think with my mind and imagination!

I just love the freedom of being able to think about other things like preparing for a marathon, working on my songs and making my favorite strawberry rhubarb pie for thanksgiving. I usually don't have enough money or motivation to do so. I'm tired of all the self-disappointment being a slave to nicotine brings around. So good to shed that weight and stop being a slave!

Have a good day.

I pledge and promise to remain smoke and drink free today no matter what may come my way!

adam

4 wks...success is no accident

Just so thankful to be smoke free and focused every day. I would not be at 4 weeks smoke free if I didn't make a choice and put my words into action instead of wasting them. 

Today I had therapy, got a workout in and slow cooked a whole chicken in the crockpot. I ate like 6 cookies for lunch.....can't pop that bag on the way home from the grocery store and expect it to still have some in it by the time you get home!

It was a weird day because it was a day off and it started getting dark at 3 pm. I ended up falling asleep and waking up at 8pm. It didn't even feel like I had much of a day, but at least I made it to the gym and caught up in therapy. 

I'm going to start adding some meditation in to my nightly prayer to get in a tranquil yet focused head space before I go to sleep. I have naturally started some new rituals and that's what thing I noticed in therapy. Every night I get my candles going, spend time focused on my progress, pray, meditate and try to spend time being thankful even if I don't feel like it. 

All in all the day went fast, but it was fulfilling. Tomorrow I'm gonna get a workout in, hopefully a jog and then a Tbirds Hockey game with Brent and Jacob. Should be a good day. 

KTQ

Adam

Day #25...Big Boy Pants

Today was a pretty chill day. Wasn't faced with any tough moments and I even went out to a few bars with my old friends who were smoking. I wasn't smoking or drinking and I feel content where I am right now. 

A big thing today for me was the fact I signed up for the Rock 'n' Roll Marathon on June 18th, 2016. I still have about 7 months to train and I'm so excited to be doing what I always wanted to do! If I was smoking it would still be something in the back of my mind and a regret. I hope I can train, and not injure myself and mark this off the bucket list. 

Also picked up an extra shift to try and catch up with money. That's about it. It was a good day and I'm thankful to be smoke and drink free and where I have wanted to be...FEELING FREE!

Adam
Wearing my big boy pants with pride!