Close the Door (800 days)

CLOSE THE DOOR!!! 

800 days free from the slavery that went along with smoking. Happy New Year to everyone! Not around here much, but I do always keep this site as my default web page. I quit drinking in order to quit smoking and haven't touched either since. Alcohol was the door I kept open. Alcohol was the hole I kept falling in. Quitting both is what finally helped me close the door on the relapse world I was living in for 10 years. I had to realize that if I drank, I smoked. If I smoked, I drank. Different for everyone. That is my reality. 

It's nice now to help other people that are beginning their path to freedom. One thing I tell everyone is that you have to close the door on those things that give you an excuse to smoke. Each person has those few thoughts, or few people, or few feelings, or few places....whatever it is, that gets you to brake and reach for nicotine when you know you don't want it. You have to be 100% honest with yourself, and face those things, and close the door on them. It's good to know others have been through the tough stuff and that they understand those things you have felt and gone through. 

I know I may not be saying anything new, but I have a true testament of what it takes to be free from the bondage of addiction. I know I can never have another puff...not one little puff. I know if I drink alcohol, I will sooner or later reach for a smoke. I tried to defy the odds a million times, with the same result every time. I'd be back to my 15 a day and hating myself for it. Exercise and clean living take a back seat when I'm smoking. Binge drinking ensues and bad eating habits make me put on an extra 25 lbs. That's the reality. That's the shame spiral that I was in for 20 years (Not that my story is the worst, but I was very unhappy). 

Close the door on those things you know in your heart are holding you back and only offer negativity. Close the door on those things you are afraid to let go of. That is the only way you'll truly be able to embrace your quit and free yourself from the phantom limbs of addiction! 

Adam 
Happy New Year

What keeps me going.

For every person it's different, and I feel we know those things we want to implement into our lives that smoking takes away from.

Emotionally I know if I smoke or drink I go back down the rabbit whole of feeling really sorry for myself. I'm already a sensitive dude, then I cut myself off more. I call off of work. My money disappears. I binge drink. I gain weight. I don't work out.

For me it's where I plan on going in life physically and spiritually, that sets me up to stay 100% smoke free. I pray multiple times a day. I try and stay thankful. I put the work into this thing. I have a marathon coming up late November I am training for. In April I am also doing a 50 mile trail race. You can't substitute anything for smoking, but you can change what your mind is set on and what matters. These things matter more for me. You have to find those things that matter more than smoking.

Smoking really doesn't offer anything other than smokey dizziness and addiction where you have to replenish what you just put in or you feel off, you get grumpy. It all becomes clear when you really, truly are sick and tired. When I feel down, that's the only time I think "hey, this when I used to smoke", and I realize the only time I wanted to smoke was when I felt sorry for myself. I was feeding negativity. Smoking was me validating those thoughts that "I'm not good enough, I'm not worth it, the universe is against me, I can't quit these sickerettes." Now that I don't smoke, I don't have that bully of a reminder telling me I'm worthless every time I take a puff.

Maybe this rings true to some of you. It's the truth behind what was going on for me, and knowing that is what keeps me away from those nasty things. Life is already tough enough. Add in that abuse and it makes it that much harder to function and have a healthy, happy life. I don't know if I answered your question. Just started rambling, but something's gotta change for you guys, and it's up to you to take the steps to do it. My quit won't change whether you guys smoke or not. It should be the same for you!

Adam

2 years SMOBER!

2 years nicotine.....and alcohol free! 

It seems surreal. I have a long story leading up to now like everyone. All I can say is finally, finally....I mean finally after like 10 years of relapse I knew I had to get rid of these things to move on with my life. I was in what I call the "shame spiral" of addiction. So much self abuse and negativity. I'm so glad I don't face that every day any more. 

Things aren't perfect but they are night and day compared to how I used to live! Love everyone here and thanks for the support! Keep up the good work and remember, any day smoke free is a day of progress! 

 Adam 2 years SMOBER!

Back from Italy

694 days quit! I smoked for 20 years, and for 10 years I was a serial quitter. I could barely quit for more than a few hours or a few days! Just got back from Italy and being out there and all alone I had to deal with some thoughts. I knew I wouldn't smoke or drink, but our addictive minds will dig deep sometimes to see if we still have the power to say no.

It's a big NOPE for me. I was so irritated with all the smokers everywhere in Italy. It was always in the air and grossed me out. I felt that was a good sign! So glad I don't smoke. I wasn't suffering while on vacation. In the past I always tried to quit while on vacation. I didn't have to deal with the tug of war, achy heart and fatigue....and just plain gross feeling hovering and clogging my oxygen and mind while sweating. Keep the quit!

Picture is from the Dolomites in Northern Italy!

Adam

It's All Up To You!!!

It's all about how bad you want the quit! It's all up to you. Own it, don't look back! Focus on your new life and all the new pathways you'll be able to take that'll lead you to a healthier and personally happier overall forecast to life! 

It's not easy. It has ups and downs, and old emotions and people connected to your old smoking world can sometimes haunt you. The cool thing about it is facing that adversity and saying NOPE!!!!! This time it's different, this time I'm fucking done with all the bullshit. This time I don't connect with you or that stinky addiction. This time I'm done letting myself down and just sinking back into the old patterns and habits that lead me back to the addiction hole.

Sorry haha, I got on a rant there. I'm just passionate about the quit. I was a serial quitter for 10 years and smoked for 20 years! 10 years of my life, in and out trying to quit almost every day. Over and over. From Seattle to Brooklyn and back. It is as crazy as it sounds and more.

Time to move on. Time to empower yourself and be the black sheep and show yourself you can do it. It's empowering also when someone else notices your journey and sees how positive and productive your choice has changed your life. Lead by example and stick around those who encourage your lifestyle!!!!!!

Adam

Icky Sticky Green Haze

Every one has a different story with marijuana and I like that. We all just have to be honest with ourselves. I have many friends that smoke weed and each person is different. I have some friends that get lost in the haze, smoke too much and are out of touch with reality. They struggle with it just like alcohol and use it to escape life and its trials. I have others that do it recreationally and keep it separate from day to day life. They just do it on a day off, going to a movie or camping. That's sorta what I do, but I really don't smoke it anymore. About a month ago I got rid of my pipes and gear and gave my weed to a buddy. Don't really need it where I'm going in life. 

Honestly, I quit smoking cigarettes and alcohol at the same time. I was never a big weed smoker. I smoked weed here and there as I was getting my quit of alc and nic up and running and I felt it was really healing, and made me feel positive and get in touch with myself at the time. I would smoke it at night and meditate and think positive thoughts. Something I could no longer do while drinking alcohol. I never smoked weed and cigs together so I never craved cigarettes when I smoked weed. after a while, I didn't need it anymore and I'll only smoke or eat a little here or there when camping or going to a psy-fy movie or something I want to blow my mind haha. I can't do it that much because I have head and ear issues and it seems to effect me that way, or I might smoke it a bit more here and there. Ultimately glad I don't because it's just one more thing that is easy to over use and have a problem with.

To each it's different. It sounds like for you it skews your reality a bit and that you may need some time away to face life. In the end, if you are trying to quit smoking cigs, you have to close all doors that may lead you back to it. If that means quitting weed, or alcohol....or chocolate cake, then do what you have to do. Just keep going and never look back. trust yourself and be honest!


Adam

Everett Half Marathon 4/9/17

536 days quit. Tomorrow I'm going to run the Everett Half Marathon with my older brother John. Before I freed myself, running with my brother was only a dream of mine that made me feel sad and have regret. 2 weeks ago I got 5th place out of 60 in a 10 mile trail race. 

These are both things I wouldn't have done if I was still smoking cigs and binge drinking. 

Come what may, I pledge and promise to remain nicotine and alcohol free today! 

Wish me luck! 
Adam

No Man's Ocean...500 Days

No Man's Ocean: When we first quit, it is like leaving the shore line with a vast ocean ahead of us. We board our quit boat and set off on our journey not sure of what's ahead. Fear is looming but we know we have to leave to start fresh. It's tough to go and seek new lands and new possibilities in life. At first we want to return because we can still see the shore and all that we left behind. 

The cigs were our so called "friends" staring and calling back at us from shore. But we know they only offer negativity and bad health. If we go back, we know nothing will change and our efforts will be for not. We will have given up on our voyage, never giving ourselves the chance to see what we are capable of and where we could end up. 

The fear can come and try to sweep us back to shore. To me it's more like no man's ocean than no man's land, and the cravings are the waves beating at us over and over again...but if we get out far enough, we make it past the breakers and find we aren't alone. 

Others have found their own private Islands, and built new homes and new foundations. The waters are calmer and our friends help us find our own way, help us find new sources for survival. They lead us to our own secret lands where anything is possible. We have the chance to start new and explore life's possibilities with a new found freedom that staying on shore could never offer. 

I feel I have been in no man's ocean, but I know I am arriving at my destination. It doesn't happen over night. The natural journey of our quit builds the foundation of our new lives, our new homes on our own private Islands. We stand amongst all the people that gave a damn while we were gritting through the ups and downs of our recovery. 

We must stay resilient and see this thing through. We must live in the future every day. We must have faith and believe that we will reach our destination before we are there. Use your imagination and keep seeing what you are not now but what you will become! That's the only way to get off the shore of addiction and on the island of freedom. 

Adam

Maple Valley Nic/Alc Dream

Good morning everyone! I'm still around!

I had what seems to be my 10th smoking/drinking dream of the winter. So much guilt, shame, feeling of being alone and stuck in a cycle. I don't know why I've been having so many at this point in my quit. I think it's because I have had some depression and the passing thought comes of what would happen if I relapsed like I did in the past. It's not an actual though of intention, but a thought of taking myself through the steps to remember how much of a let down and negative space to be in. The thought leaves quickly because I will not smoke/drink and it scares the heck out of me and sounds completely gross!

I am 110% committed to my quit! I'm glad in the end I'm having these dreams because it teaches me all the misery of the "shame spiral" I used to go through when I was relapsing over and over and over and over again.

Off to work now, just wanted to get that out of my system, say hello and document the journey I am on. I still focus daily on my quit and renew my commitment as often as needed! Have a great day you guys and keep the quit. Keep it for yourself, no one else can take that away from you!

Adam
D464

A Message to End Suffering

We should try to be thankful every day we "get to" be here on earth. I've said it before. I'm not too religious, but I've learned to do a "thankful" prayer at the beginning and end of each day.

Come to think of it, I do it when I eat, when I feel emotionally elated, when I feel inspired or sad. I do it when a friend is in need or when I am feeling empathy for all the pain I went through with my addictions.

It's really helped me be in the "now", and to think of all the positive things life has to offer over all the negative that constantly can riddle our brains.

I'm not here to push prayer onto anyone. I'm here to push compassion, thankfulness and learning to close the door on those things that offer us no love. I'm here to help everyone find what they need to do to be free from what ails us. This was the message from those who blazed the trail before me. This is the message of self-love, self-worth and self-peace.

This is a message to help end suffering

Adam

13 Months/Seattle Marathon/Album Realease

Smoke free for 13 months! Here's 2 things I wouldn't have done if I was still binge smoking and drinking: 

I will be running my 2nd Marathon (Seattle Marathon) on Sunday! I also am releasing my first album finally on Thanksgiving! 

Here's the cover art to it! 

Have a great Turkey Day everyone, especially if it's "cold turkey"! 

Adam

"Do Not Disturb! Brilliant Minds at Work!"

I don’t know why but this man (Wayne Dyer) speaks to me so well. I’m sure he connects with a lot of people and that is why he made it to where he did in his lifetime. It was great to read this as I settled in to bed. 

I haven’t had too many telling me not to follow certain goals. I think those voices for me have more been in my own head. I am learning how to hang a “Do Not Disturb! Brilliant Mind at Work!” sign on the door of my mind for those thoughts that try to distract or keep me from my dreams and aspirations.

Adam

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If you want to find a deeper meaning in your life, you won’t find it in the opinions or the beliefs that have been handed to you. Rather than trying to be what everyone else expects you to be, live your life by your own rules to be happy and find inner peace.

Your imagination is your own fertile field for growing any seedlings that you choose to plant for a future harvest.

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You may have been told that you have always been a dreamer, as if this were a fault. I can speak here from experience. Family, friends, teachers, and even advisors frequently disparaged ideas that burned brightly in my imagination. I often heard comments such as, “Wayne, you’re such a dreamer. Get real. You are never going to make it as a writer, or a television performer, or a movie personality. Be realistic—we know what’s best for you.”

When I was being discharged from the Navy at the age of 22, my superiors warned me that starting college at my “advanced age” was loaded with uncertainty, particularly since I had no higher education experience, and I would be competing with younger recent high school graduates. Since I already had a skill as a cryptographer in the Navy, they advised me to pursue what they felt was best for me. But I had a dream—an imagination filled with the idea of teaching, writing, and speaking to large audiences. I saw myself onstage. I saw myself as a prominent author. And this vision could not and would not be sabotaged by someone else’s vision of what I should or could become.

As a young boy in a foster home, I almost always ignored other people’s ideas about what I should be thinking or doing—I simply was indifferent to their opinions regarding what I could imagine for myself. I have carried this kind of inner discipline regarding my own imagination with clarity, refusing to allow external opinions to cancel or diminish what for me was hallowed ground.

Many years later, I was advised that acting in a movie was not sensible for me as a 68-year-old man with no acting experience. I once again remembered to hang the DO NOT DISTURB sign at the entrance to my imagination, and proceeded to take acting lessons and adopt the self-enforced regimen that allowed me to create a movie. It is a product that fills me with pride—all because I have diligently practiced the following rule:

Never, and I mean never, allow anyone else’s ideas of who you can or can’t become sully your dream or pollute your imagination. This is your territory, and a KEEP OUT sign is a great thing to erect at all entrances to your imagination.

Stay in a state of grace and gratitude for this resplendent gift that is always yours to do with as you choose.

— Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

1 YEAR MILESTONE

WOW! I feel this is the milestone I've been waiting for! Nicotine and Alcohol free for a full year! Now it's time to keep on moving forward and keep healing! One day at a time! I was first to pledge at Quitnet on my special day!

;) Thanks for all the help here at the Q and beyond!

Adam

11 Months of Freedom!

11 months is the longest I've made it smoke free, and definitely the longest I've gone alcohol free. I had an 11 month quit in 2004/2005 that I threw away when I felt everything was up against me. This is my final quit! No going back...no reason to throw it all away. Excuses are like buttholes....you no the rest! 

Thanks to all my friends out there working and doing this thing in action, not just words. That used to be my problem. I'd talk the talk, but never walk the walk. No more shuffling my feet! Onward and upward. Any day smoke free is a day of progress! 

(photo from my recent backpacking trip! Me jumping off the rocks into Lake Vivian in the Enchantments in WA) 

Adam

10 Months of the Smober Life!!

The main healthy choices I've made is that I run on a constant basis and my diet has been better for the most part. When I was binging on booze and smokes I also didn't care what else went in my body.

10 months sober and smober. Seems like I finally have woken from the nightmare of addiction that was replaying like Groundhog's Day for years! It was like I was watching the same movie over and over again, with the same results every time I relapsed. The guilt and shame would rush in.

One of the greatest gifts is not having to feel that let down over and over and over anymore. I don't have to feel like a bad person ever again! I still work at it and stay on guard every day. I pray for strength and love for myself and others.

Thanks to everyone here. I love to help others and the help I've gotten is priceless! Love you guys and keep the quit!

Adam
any day smoke free is a day of progress!

303 dyz...Troutnut Repost

(My response to Troutnut's Post):

The universe is right and real in its connection. I have walked the same path and you have helped me dearly in putting down the bottle and the sickarettes. I'm tearing up right now in happy revelation that their are others out there that know what it's like. Those who have felt that same tug of war. I'm so thankful for your amazing words and I am one of your biggest fans. In the end I didn't go the AA route, but I did go to Nicotine Anonymous (though not on my last and final quit). I learned what it means to surrender, and to pray and to take it day by day. This place means the world to us and I'm always happy to have this refuge even if just knowing you all are here when I can't make it. You touched me deeply today and wanted to let you know how much I care and that we are out here. 

Adam 
any day smoke free is a day of progress
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Finally, it got nasty. Really nasty. I had known for a very long time that I had crossed it. Both with my smoking and my drinking. I remember knowing for at least ten years. I don't remember when it was that I crossed it exactly, and it certainly wasn't marked very well. You would think something that important, that life and death, would be marked more clearly and carefully. People could get seriously hurt not knowing. But eventually, I got it. I knew. Even though it was invisible, I could see it. And I was over. WAY over! What I thought were just a couple of bad habits turned out to be far worse when I took the cute little words and colorful sugar coating off of them. The medical and psychiatric field labeled my smoking and drinking as concurrent chronic multiple terminal diseases. Holy cow! Obviously now, I could see it was kind of serious. Far more serious than a few little vices and bad habits. This was a race to see which could kill me first. Alcohol or tobacco? A true dead heat! 

So I finally admitted, to my innermost self, that I had crossed the invisible line. And that it was killing me. That much was clear. And I knew that I had to do something about it Immediately. So TODAY, that was the day. But I didn't want to tell anyone about it. I didn't want to break any promises. And I definitely wanted to do it on my own! That much was clear. Nobody could know. And then after I had done it, THEN I could tell people about it. Just in case I didn't make it, you know? I didn't want to disappoint anyone again.

 But how would I go about it? That was the question. I just needed to figure that out. But my brain was pretty muddled with 30 years of drinking and smoking. So I figured out I better just have a drink and a cigarette first, just so my mind would function you know. Next thing I was passed out, or blacked out. And I had postponed it again. It was like the movie "Groundhog Day", only with beer, wine, hard liquor, and sickarettes. 

And so it went. The AA Big Book said "Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death." Ditto with sickarettes. Insanity X 2. 

 Several years later, I stood that those gates. Utterly defeated. I dragged myself to an AA meeting on 11/23/1998. I finally surrendered. A couple of years later I used what I had learned in AA to quit smoking on 2/28/2001. And that worked too. Quit-net was instrumental in my recovery and I stick around to share what I have learned, and bring hope to those who have crossed the line like I did. 

I don't know who this message is for today. Every so often I get a message from the universe that there is someone else like me out there. Someone who is on the verge of figuring this out. And re-creating themselves as I needed to. To the best possible version of themselves from the worst possible version. A metamorphous! I know this will be hard to believe, but millions of us now know it is the truth. You don't have to be a drug addict or a boozer to fit in and be cool. The new cool is being healthy, sober, and drug free. Even Hollywood stars are figuring it out. You don't ever need to make yourself sick with drugs or alcohol again if you don't want to. Reality is very cool. 

If you are home alone trying to figure this out like I did, then you are home alone with, and taking advice from, a drug addict. My experience has been that does not not usually work out too well. But here we have access to hundreds of good folks that have found their way out of the cave. And they can show you precisely how they got out. If you can just bring yourself to listen. If you are anything like me in these regards, your life probably depends on getting this right. Give it your all! Ask for help. Yell and scream for help if you have to. 

Your friend in Montana, 
Troutnut1 (dennis)

300 days....A message to my quit friends

Quitting smoking or alcohol or any addiction is 1 day, one moment at a time. It's all we have. I quit smoking and had to quit drinking also. That sort of was the key for me. Life is completely different, with a different focus every day. 

Stick around. Always reach out for help, even when you think you know you're gonna relapse. Post and get help first. I've had a couple moments where I convinced myself completely I was gonna smoke. Even had the cig in my hand....then I thought it all through, went back and got help, stayed the course. I never want to talk lightly about getting that close to smoking, believe me, It scared the shit out of me and I learned my lesson to love myself and to not let anything change that.

Every victory is so damn worth it. Cigs are bullshit. They are a waste of life, we all know that. Time to focus on something different, something bigger. It's time to focus on the meaning of our lives and what we can do to make it better for ourselves and especially those around us!

Have a great day!

Adam

297 dyz...Help Others

Do something nice for somebody else today. That's my mission. Not just one person, but throughout the day. I've noticed I get all wrapped up in my own little world. Worrying about what this and that means, worrying about who cares, who doesn't care, worrying about who hurt me and have I tried hard enough....it's all just a mess and does nothing for me. I'm gonna put my energy into helping others today. Change my ways. 

Adam 
Any day smoke free is a day of progress

295 dyz...Out of the Shame Spiral

Haha girl problems got me down. I'm bigger than that! Ended one relationship to start dating a girl who has a boyfriend. Liked her a lot but had to end it because I felt bad for the guy and I was the dispensable one. It also sorta makes you feel less than yourself and I'm better than that.

Gonna get out for a jog and hang with a friend tonight. Gotta move on. Plenty of fish in the see, without all the baggage!

Come what may I pledge and promise to remain smoke and drink free today! Neither of these solve anything. They just keep you in what I have always called the shame spiral!

Sometimes you have to do the work and put yourself in a better mood knowing how great you are! KTQ

Snagged this quote from @Val C. Thanks Val!

Adam

290 dyz..different is who we are

Life feels so different today. Lots of things going on. Lots of things showing me who I truly am, especially since I escaped the clouds of addiction. It feels good to touch base with your real self and be proud of who you are and who you know you are becoming. 

When I smoked and drank I desired a different life, I desired to be a different person. I've found out I am not a different person, but who I was meant to be! 

 Have a great day my friends and KTQ 

Adam
any day smoke free is a day of progress!