What keeps me going.

For every person it's different, and I feel we know those things we want to implement into our lives that smoking takes away from.

Emotionally I know if I smoke or drink I go back down the rabbit whole of feeling really sorry for myself. I'm already a sensitive dude, then I cut myself off more. I call off of work. My money disappears. I binge drink. I gain weight. I don't work out.

For me it's where I plan on going in life physically and spiritually, that sets me up to stay 100% smoke free. I pray multiple times a day. I try and stay thankful. I put the work into this thing. I have a marathon coming up late November I am training for. In April I am also doing a 50 mile trail race. You can't substitute anything for smoking, but you can change what your mind is set on and what matters. These things matter more for me. You have to find those things that matter more than smoking.

Smoking really doesn't offer anything other than smokey dizziness and addiction where you have to replenish what you just put in or you feel off, you get grumpy. It all becomes clear when you really, truly are sick and tired. When I feel down, that's the only time I think "hey, this when I used to smoke", and I realize the only time I wanted to smoke was when I felt sorry for myself. I was feeding negativity. Smoking was me validating those thoughts that "I'm not good enough, I'm not worth it, the universe is against me, I can't quit these sickerettes." Now that I don't smoke, I don't have that bully of a reminder telling me I'm worthless every time I take a puff.

Maybe this rings true to some of you. It's the truth behind what was going on for me, and knowing that is what keeps me away from those nasty things. Life is already tough enough. Add in that abuse and it makes it that much harder to function and have a healthy, happy life. I don't know if I answered your question. Just started rambling, but something's gotta change for you guys, and it's up to you to take the steps to do it. My quit won't change whether you guys smoke or not. It should be the same for you!

Adam

Back from Italy

694 days quit! I smoked for 20 years, and for 10 years I was a serial quitter. I could barely quit for more than a few hours or a few days! Just got back from Italy and being out there and all alone I had to deal with some thoughts. I knew I wouldn't smoke or drink, but our addictive minds will dig deep sometimes to see if we still have the power to say no.

It's a big NOPE for me. I was so irritated with all the smokers everywhere in Italy. It was always in the air and grossed me out. I felt that was a good sign! So glad I don't smoke. I wasn't suffering while on vacation. In the past I always tried to quit while on vacation. I didn't have to deal with the tug of war, achy heart and fatigue....and just plain gross feeling hovering and clogging my oxygen and mind while sweating. Keep the quit!

Picture is from the Dolomites in Northern Italy!

Adam

Everett Half Marathon 4/9/17

536 days quit. Tomorrow I'm going to run the Everett Half Marathon with my older brother John. Before I freed myself, running with my brother was only a dream of mine that made me feel sad and have regret. 2 weeks ago I got 5th place out of 60 in a 10 mile trail race. 

These are both things I wouldn't have done if I was still smoking cigs and binge drinking. 

Come what may, I pledge and promise to remain nicotine and alcohol free today! 

Wish me luck! 
Adam

No Man's Ocean...500 Days

No Man's Ocean: When we first quit, it is like leaving the shore line with a vast ocean ahead of us. We board our quit boat and set off on our journey not sure of what's ahead. Fear is looming but we know we have to leave to start fresh. It's tough to go and seek new lands and new possibilities in life. At first we want to return because we can still see the shore and all that we left behind. 

The cigs were our so called "friends" staring and calling back at us from shore. But we know they only offer negativity and bad health. If we go back, we know nothing will change and our efforts will be for not. We will have given up on our voyage, never giving ourselves the chance to see what we are capable of and where we could end up. 

The fear can come and try to sweep us back to shore. To me it's more like no man's ocean than no man's land, and the cravings are the waves beating at us over and over again...but if we get out far enough, we make it past the breakers and find we aren't alone. 

Others have found their own private Islands, and built new homes and new foundations. The waters are calmer and our friends help us find our own way, help us find new sources for survival. They lead us to our own secret lands where anything is possible. We have the chance to start new and explore life's possibilities with a new found freedom that staying on shore could never offer. 

I feel I have been in no man's ocean, but I know I am arriving at my destination. It doesn't happen over night. The natural journey of our quit builds the foundation of our new lives, our new homes on our own private Islands. We stand amongst all the people that gave a damn while we were gritting through the ups and downs of our recovery. 

We must stay resilient and see this thing through. We must live in the future every day. We must have faith and believe that we will reach our destination before we are there. Use your imagination and keep seeing what you are not now but what you will become! That's the only way to get off the shore of addiction and on the island of freedom. 

Adam

Maple Valley Nic/Alc Dream

Good morning everyone! I'm still around!

I had what seems to be my 10th smoking/drinking dream of the winter. So much guilt, shame, feeling of being alone and stuck in a cycle. I don't know why I've been having so many at this point in my quit. I think it's because I have had some depression and the passing thought comes of what would happen if I relapsed like I did in the past. It's not an actual though of intention, but a thought of taking myself through the steps to remember how much of a let down and negative space to be in. The thought leaves quickly because I will not smoke/drink and it scares the heck out of me and sounds completely gross!

I am 110% committed to my quit! I'm glad in the end I'm having these dreams because it teaches me all the misery of the "shame spiral" I used to go through when I was relapsing over and over and over and over again.

Off to work now, just wanted to get that out of my system, say hello and document the journey I am on. I still focus daily on my quit and renew my commitment as often as needed! Have a great day you guys and keep the quit. Keep it for yourself, no one else can take that away from you!

Adam
D464

A Reminder...A Relapse from 9/4/15

I feel depressed about this relapse. I went from top of the world to bottom of the barrel in one day. I work so hard and then one little thing is triggered and I did the last thing I wanted to do...but that's why I did it. I've been trying to overcome all this bad luck that's been coming my way without smoking because I know it won't make a damn thing better. Smoking was me believing that the universe was against me and just wanted me to fail. Smoking was like me saying "ok, I'll give up! There, I did it! Is that what you wanted?"


But then I'm just left with starting over and feeling their isn't a way out. I feel nasty right now. I feel depressed. I feel stuck. That's what relapse instills is a feeling of FEAR! I don't believe that though, so I've got my quit back and going to take every moment I need to stay focused and progress.


You either smoke or you don't. It's been harder than that for me but it doesn't have to be. I have to simplify and never smoke no matter what because it leads you nowhere but backwards!!

2 things I can do every day is take a moment in the beginning of the day to pledge, check in, do my blog. I'm not really religious but I'll still pray to just to be mindful and thankful for what I have. Another thing is get some form of exercise even if only a walk. I do work on my feet at a restaurant but that's not the same as personal time. 

I'm sure it can be somewhat true that I start feeling emotional when on a fresh quit and then don't get too far out to sea before I retreat back to the smokes. 

In this instance I drank too much which I should've stopped after 2-3 drinks, something triggered me to feel like all my bad luck is the universe wanting me to fail. 

The whole thing was all in my head and I punished myself. I believed the lies. 

The whole thing was nasty. I didn't enjoy even one of the drags and I pissed the whole time. It was not worth it at all. 

Sorry so long, but I really need to do this and really know I can disconnect myself from the serial quitter label. I know I can do this....for me it is a day to day check in. Planning out my day really helps me keep things moving but I also can't be hard on myself if I don't get everything done. 

I just bought a marker/cork board for my desk to keep positive posts on and to organize my day!

I always have to keep my quit as my #1 priority because I am an addict and I can never have one. 

SMOKING IS OFF THE TABLE!!


Arghhhhhh


Adam

13 Months/Seattle Marathon/Album Realease

Smoke free for 13 months! Here's 2 things I wouldn't have done if I was still binge smoking and drinking: 

I will be running my 2nd Marathon (Seattle Marathon) on Sunday! I also am releasing my first album finally on Thanksgiving! 

Here's the cover art to it! 

Have a great Turkey Day everyone, especially if it's "cold turkey"! 

Adam

1 YEAR MILESTONE

WOW! I feel this is the milestone I've been waiting for! Nicotine and Alcohol free for a full year! Now it's time to keep on moving forward and keep healing! One day at a time! I was first to pledge at Quitnet on my special day!

;) Thanks for all the help here at the Q and beyond!

Adam

10 Months of the Smober Life!!

The main healthy choices I've made is that I run on a constant basis and my diet has been better for the most part. When I was binging on booze and smokes I also didn't care what else went in my body.

10 months sober and smober. Seems like I finally have woken from the nightmare of addiction that was replaying like Groundhog's Day for years! It was like I was watching the same movie over and over again, with the same results every time I relapsed. The guilt and shame would rush in.

One of the greatest gifts is not having to feel that let down over and over and over anymore. I don't have to feel like a bad person ever again! I still work at it and stay on guard every day. I pray for strength and love for myself and others.

Thanks to everyone here. I love to help others and the help I've gotten is priceless! Love you guys and keep the quit!

Adam
any day smoke free is a day of progress!

300 days....A message to my quit friends

Quitting smoking or alcohol or any addiction is 1 day, one moment at a time. It's all we have. I quit smoking and had to quit drinking also. That sort of was the key for me. Life is completely different, with a different focus every day. 

Stick around. Always reach out for help, even when you think you know you're gonna relapse. Post and get help first. I've had a couple moments where I convinced myself completely I was gonna smoke. Even had the cig in my hand....then I thought it all through, went back and got help, stayed the course. I never want to talk lightly about getting that close to smoking, believe me, It scared the shit out of me and I learned my lesson to love myself and to not let anything change that.

Every victory is so damn worth it. Cigs are bullshit. They are a waste of life, we all know that. Time to focus on something different, something bigger. It's time to focus on the meaning of our lives and what we can do to make it better for ourselves and especially those around us!

Have a great day!

Adam

297 dyz...Help Others

Do something nice for somebody else today. That's my mission. Not just one person, but throughout the day. I've noticed I get all wrapped up in my own little world. Worrying about what this and that means, worrying about who cares, who doesn't care, worrying about who hurt me and have I tried hard enough....it's all just a mess and does nothing for me. I'm gonna put my energy into helping others today. Change my ways. 

Adam 
Any day smoke free is a day of progress

295 dyz...Out of the Shame Spiral

Haha girl problems got me down. I'm bigger than that! Ended one relationship to start dating a girl who has a boyfriend. Liked her a lot but had to end it because I felt bad for the guy and I was the dispensable one. It also sorta makes you feel less than yourself and I'm better than that.

Gonna get out for a jog and hang with a friend tonight. Gotta move on. Plenty of fish in the see, without all the baggage!

Come what may I pledge and promise to remain smoke and drink free today! Neither of these solve anything. They just keep you in what I have always called the shame spiral!

Sometimes you have to do the work and put yourself in a better mood knowing how great you are! KTQ

Snagged this quote from @Val C. Thanks Val!

Adam

290 dyz..different is who we are

Life feels so different today. Lots of things going on. Lots of things showing me who I truly am, especially since I escaped the clouds of addiction. It feels good to touch base with your real self and be proud of who you are and who you know you are becoming. 

When I smoked and drank I desired a different life, I desired to be a different person. I've found out I am not a different person, but who I was meant to be! 

 Have a great day my friends and KTQ 

Adam
any day smoke free is a day of progress!

241dyz....The Day Before

I’m pretty nervous. I have my Marathon early tomorrow morning as many may know. It’s a lot of miles lol. I did do 23 about 2 1/2 weeks ago so I should be fine. My bib has my Quitnet user name on it to remind me of all the hard work I've put into my quit and how far I've made it (and how far I've run lol!) My older brother who has run marathons before is gonna show up and run the last leg with me! Really emotional and excited about that! 

 I just don’t like my head issues (tinnitus) I have which do mess with my running and make me feel a bit wonky afterwards, but it will not stop me :(. 

This week I found my girlfriend, pretty much black out drunk behind her locked bedroom door with another dude she met at a bar. Luckily I caught them quick but if I hadn’t shown up you know what would’ve happened, and I’d still be in the dark. She has a definite alcohol problem and that is something I've been trying to get away from. I'm stepping away from her to heal and to stay on my true path. 

I listened to my intuition that has been stronger since sober and smober. I ask why couldn’t this have happened any week other than marathon week. I feel life is always trying to test me. Now I don’t see it as a reason to smoke and drink, but to propel myself forward, to strengthen my resolve and to keep building the person I love to be, and the example I want to shine for others. 

I love you guys and thanks for all the support. I will report back and hopefully have a few photos to show!! 

KTQ and have a good day everyone! 

Adam

D240...Trust Your Intuition

I've had an intuition that something was up with my girlfriend. I showed up at her place and found her in her bedroom with a dude. She had been drinking. I know she is an alcoholic. We had just got off the phone maybe an hour before with her out of the blue saying she loves me and that I need to trust her and that she wants to only be with me and that she wanted to be with me that night. 

I told her I was heading home but when she was done at the bar to call me. No call. I texted her goodnight and no response. That's when I decided to get up out of bed and sorta trace her steps. I just had a feeling something wasn't right.

I don't know what to say. I got to her house which she shares with others. Front door is always open and I've always been welcome at all times of the day. Her bedroom door was locked and I knocked. She asked who it was and I said "Adam, just wanted to see you and hang out a bit!". The room went silent and so I called her phone. It started ringing and then I said, "obviously your in there". She came out, dude on her bed in the shadows of the bedroom. She then went to the bathroom and said "I didn't even kiss him." 

Her roommates told me she had multiple dudes in and out before, but they didn't really know our relationship so thought maybe it was open so they didn't say anything. She's the one that is always saying she loves me, she wants only me, she wants my baby. I feel so hurt right now but so proud that I followed my gut intuition and decided to track her down. I spoke to her softly and was glad to get her to face what she was doing. It was very painful and I deserve so much better. It's just sad because I did love her and think she's amazing in many ways.

I want to get drunk and smoke right now pretty badly. I just want to feel sorry for myself and be mad at her. I will not smoke or drink though because it just adds another problem on top of this one and would make me feel like the next problem would do the same. I'm never going back to where I was before. I'm never smoking or drinking again. They both have nothing to offer me but pain and suffering and life offers too much of that in the first place. 

 Adam

233 Dyz...Smoking Dreamz

Dang, I had a horribly intense dream that had convinced me that I had smoked. I felt I was ignoring Quitnet because I wasn't facing that I had relapsed. I even felt I had woken from the dream and that I truly had smoked. I think that's what actually freaked me out enough to wake my ass up.


The smoking nightmares have happened the last few days. I think queues in life remind my subconscious and it plays out in a dream. I am dating a girls that smokes and drinks. She doesn't always do it around me, but I still see it and smell it. It's weird that when I finally quit smoking and drinking, I start dating a girl that does both. The last 4 or 5 girls I've dated were non-smokers.
 
So thankful to be smoke and drink free and I will keep pressing forward. I'm not going back to that huge mess that gets us nowhere and makes us feel less than ourselves. When things like this happen I like to renew my vows and refocus. I will not "slip" back into old habits. I'm never going back to that personal hell of self-slavery and hate. 

Have a great smoke free day!

Adam

197 Dyz...prep for marathon

Quitting smoking and drinking is the best thing I have ever done for myself. It still doesn't mean I'm always happy about it, but when I truly rationalize and look at the situation...if I picture what smoking and/or drinking would truly do for me in that moment, it would only set me back and make me feel really down on myself. It would hurt me physically and make me sick, make me depressed and feel stuck in that same old hole on that same street I've been clear of for so long now. I never want to go through that again no matter what happens in life. It's not worth the added pain and suffering.

My life and those things I spend my time on are a whole lot different then where I was a bit over 6 months ago. I'm laying in bed processing the past and what I'll do today. I'm on call at work but don't think I'll work. If I am off, gonna hit the gym, watch the Mariner's game, brain storm money making ideas outside of work and play some guitar. 

2 days ago I ran 15 1/2 miles as I prepare for the Rock n Roll Marathon here in Seattle, WA on June 18th, 2016. It's a tough process and at times I can't see the end result. I mean running a half marathon kicks my ass but I have faith that I will be able to conquer this and in the end, the physical effort will pay off with a mental victory. This is a huge thing for me. My life has changed so much and most things I do are to better my future and add positive vibes to my life. Having the run in the background helps me default. If other things run awry, I can focus at the task at hand and do something healthy and try something different. 

Smoking and drinking was a waste of money for me. It was a waste of days, life and breathe for me. I put myself through the ringer daily in order to keep doing the things I didn't want to do and in the end I just felt tired, guilty and alone. I was the boy who cried wolf over and over again with nothing to show in life. It was a sad existence stuck in the limbo of addiction. 

I have empathy for myself though. We are only humans. We are emotional. We love. We hate. We try our best. We need time to compute. We can only do so much daily. Addiction is a tough place to be. I was there for a 20 year period of my life, and know that all that I'm learning from being free is building a new foundation of core beliefs and high standards to live by daily. I am translating the fight into a way of life. Life isn't easy and addiction becomes a crutch and our closest friend when we feel all else around us may be crumbling. When we are heart broken or lose someone special. The addiction is always there to say "hey, lean on me. I have your back and I'll always be here for you thick and thin." 

That's why it's so damn hard to part at first. At a certain point though, enough truly is enough and you know you never need to go back. When nothing is changing and you've gone over the same information a million times and the truth still hits the same, you know it's time to only look forward and put words into action. We all have to learn at our own pace and can only change when we want to and truly desire to. 

I'm glad I got out of addiction. I know smoking will always be the same nicotine trap. I know it'll never be different and that's why I've made a personal promise that through anything. Through the simplest of problems to the biggest, I pledge and promise to always remain smoke and drink free no matter what I may face!

Adam
manifest your greatness

187 Dyz...Here To Learn

 I may sound emotional about this stuff, but it's because I care and I truly want to help others....... I wake up and pray. I eat and I pray. I go to sleep and I pray. I am not a religious person but a spiritual person. Being thankful and awake is what finally helped me quit. I stay thankful every day for the fact I am smoke free and drink free. Any time I feel I am being complacent or slipping, I take a deep breathe and I focus on the positive and the truth. I believe more and more every day that I can conquer any thing the fuck I want. 

I spent 10 plus years trying to quit and an 18 year period smoking...and boozing. Sooner or later you have to say yes or no. My message isn't about God but it's a message about finding your why....finding meaning in life...believing in yourself...doing not saying....staying true to your word....helping others....helping ourselves. I am still new to all of this so I am learning, but all this isn't about the cigarettes, it's about building a foundation where who we are, what we love, what we fight for, what we live for is more important than the instrument we used to use to hide from our pain, to hurt ourselves, to feel less than, to be destructive, to live in shame or regret. It doesn't matter whether it's cigarettes, nicotine or sugar. If it is being use to harm is negatively, it is a problem. 

Smoking is this place in our heads where we can put life on pause but after a while we realize all the time that is being wasted on something that isn't important. I wasted so much of my time just even in the fight of trying to quit I never want to go back. It's not easy, but you have to find or reconnect with what you love. It's time to live a different life. The life we always dreamed of for ourselves. It's not easy, but it is all there for us. Fuck everyone else. Fuck the people that pop up to say something isn't possible. 

When I first finally quit things 6 months ago, I came across a lot of people saying what I was doing wasn't possible. That I was going to fail because I did so many times before. Their is a certain point where something changes in our minds. We know we can't go back. We realize that this is it, that things are gonna change. You need to start focusing on how important that is. Keep it in the foreground of your life and mind. Think about what is truly important. It is a lot simpler than we make it out to be. 

176 Dyz...RIP Nate Johnston

Almost at 6 months smoke and drink free and one of my best friends has passed away. He died from a Heroin overdose. It's hard to know what to say about it but it has hit me really hard. I've been having tons of mood swings and moments where I can feel my mind confused and not believing that I am awake and that this is reality. It's got me confused, but in the end I know the reality. A close friend has died way too young and from a drug overdose. 

I can't write enough to explain how much I care for the guy and it's sad to see him leave this earth. It's sad to know he's not breathing and that he'll never play a guitar again, or wake up again or eat a cheeseburger again. It's just weird and I don't quite know how to deal with it, but I know things will go on and that I'll be ok...and that also some day I'll die. I really hope not any time soon. I have too much life to still live. Nate had way too much life still left to live. 

All the emotions seem cliche. All the things I'm saying sound like everything we've heard before from people in the stages of loss. I've felt angry at him, at the universe, at the doc's that prescribed him opiates to deal with pain from a recent surgery, when he had been 6 months clean. In the end all I can think is that we all are trying to find peace, and maybe Nate couldn't find peace on earth. He is too special and too amazing for this earth. It didn't have enough to offer him, but he had plenty to offer us. 

I feel stronger than ever in my quits. This hasn't made me want to smoke or drink. It's made me want to work even harder towards a healthy and clear minded lifestyle. I'm so glad my little brother Brent got off heroin and is moving on clean. He made a great recovery with a good job, payed all his debts and we are closer than ever! 

Such a good friend is gone and it's gonna take some time to feel normal again, but I'll never get over the loss. He is like a brother to me and that will never change!

I dedicate my 6 month quit to Nate and all those people still stuck in the shame spiral of addiction. I know what it's like and it's hell. We all have our demons and our angels if you want to put it that way. I can't judge anyone. This teaches me to never judge anyone. I will leave that up to god or whatever force is in control of this chaos called life. 

Adam

157 Dyz

Here's a random quote for the quit. Sometimes we hit patches of fear as we go into uncharted territory. Instead of hiding behind a cloud of smoke, we have to face theses things to know who we are becoming and where we want to see ourselves!

Going for an 11 mile run today with a friend around Lake Union and out to the Ballard Locks here in Seattle, WA! I got a co-worker interested in running again and now we are inspiring each other!

As we go along in our quits, we find ourselves in different places, with people who we usually wouldn't have been, and all in a new and positive way!

Have a great day and KTQ friends!

Adam