Close the Door (800 days)

CLOSE THE DOOR!!! 

800 days free from the slavery that went along with smoking. Happy New Year to everyone! Not around here much, but I do always keep this site as my default web page. I quit drinking in order to quit smoking and haven't touched either since. Alcohol was the door I kept open. Alcohol was the hole I kept falling in. Quitting both is what finally helped me close the door on the relapse world I was living in for 10 years. I had to realize that if I drank, I smoked. If I smoked, I drank. Different for everyone. That is my reality. 

It's nice now to help other people that are beginning their path to freedom. One thing I tell everyone is that you have to close the door on those things that give you an excuse to smoke. Each person has those few thoughts, or few people, or few feelings, or few places....whatever it is, that gets you to brake and reach for nicotine when you know you don't want it. You have to be 100% honest with yourself, and face those things, and close the door on them. It's good to know others have been through the tough stuff and that they understand those things you have felt and gone through. 

I know I may not be saying anything new, but I have a true testament of what it takes to be free from the bondage of addiction. I know I can never have another puff...not one little puff. I know if I drink alcohol, I will sooner or later reach for a smoke. I tried to defy the odds a million times, with the same result every time. I'd be back to my 15 a day and hating myself for it. Exercise and clean living take a back seat when I'm smoking. Binge drinking ensues and bad eating habits make me put on an extra 25 lbs. That's the reality. That's the shame spiral that I was in for 20 years (Not that my story is the worst, but I was very unhappy). 

Close the door on those things you know in your heart are holding you back and only offer negativity. Close the door on those things you are afraid to let go of. That is the only way you'll truly be able to embrace your quit and free yourself from the phantom limbs of addiction! 

Adam 
Happy New Year

What keeps me going.

For every person it's different, and I feel we know those things we want to implement into our lives that smoking takes away from.

Emotionally I know if I smoke or drink I go back down the rabbit whole of feeling really sorry for myself. I'm already a sensitive dude, then I cut myself off more. I call off of work. My money disappears. I binge drink. I gain weight. I don't work out.

For me it's where I plan on going in life physically and spiritually, that sets me up to stay 100% smoke free. I pray multiple times a day. I try and stay thankful. I put the work into this thing. I have a marathon coming up late November I am training for. In April I am also doing a 50 mile trail race. You can't substitute anything for smoking, but you can change what your mind is set on and what matters. These things matter more for me. You have to find those things that matter more than smoking.

Smoking really doesn't offer anything other than smokey dizziness and addiction where you have to replenish what you just put in or you feel off, you get grumpy. It all becomes clear when you really, truly are sick and tired. When I feel down, that's the only time I think "hey, this when I used to smoke", and I realize the only time I wanted to smoke was when I felt sorry for myself. I was feeding negativity. Smoking was me validating those thoughts that "I'm not good enough, I'm not worth it, the universe is against me, I can't quit these sickerettes." Now that I don't smoke, I don't have that bully of a reminder telling me I'm worthless every time I take a puff.

Maybe this rings true to some of you. It's the truth behind what was going on for me, and knowing that is what keeps me away from those nasty things. Life is already tough enough. Add in that abuse and it makes it that much harder to function and have a healthy, happy life. I don't know if I answered your question. Just started rambling, but something's gotta change for you guys, and it's up to you to take the steps to do it. My quit won't change whether you guys smoke or not. It should be the same for you!

Adam

2 years SMOBER!

2 years nicotine.....and alcohol free! 

It seems surreal. I have a long story leading up to now like everyone. All I can say is finally, finally....I mean finally after like 10 years of relapse I knew I had to get rid of these things to move on with my life. I was in what I call the "shame spiral" of addiction. So much self abuse and negativity. I'm so glad I don't face that every day any more. 

Things aren't perfect but they are night and day compared to how I used to live! Love everyone here and thanks for the support! Keep up the good work and remember, any day smoke free is a day of progress! 

 Adam 2 years SMOBER!

Back from Italy

694 days quit! I smoked for 20 years, and for 10 years I was a serial quitter. I could barely quit for more than a few hours or a few days! Just got back from Italy and being out there and all alone I had to deal with some thoughts. I knew I wouldn't smoke or drink, but our addictive minds will dig deep sometimes to see if we still have the power to say no.

It's a big NOPE for me. I was so irritated with all the smokers everywhere in Italy. It was always in the air and grossed me out. I felt that was a good sign! So glad I don't smoke. I wasn't suffering while on vacation. In the past I always tried to quit while on vacation. I didn't have to deal with the tug of war, achy heart and fatigue....and just plain gross feeling hovering and clogging my oxygen and mind while sweating. Keep the quit!

Picture is from the Dolomites in Northern Italy!

Adam

It's All Up To You!!!

It's all about how bad you want the quit! It's all up to you. Own it, don't look back! Focus on your new life and all the new pathways you'll be able to take that'll lead you to a healthier and personally happier overall forecast to life! 

It's not easy. It has ups and downs, and old emotions and people connected to your old smoking world can sometimes haunt you. The cool thing about it is facing that adversity and saying NOPE!!!!! This time it's different, this time I'm fucking done with all the bullshit. This time I don't connect with you or that stinky addiction. This time I'm done letting myself down and just sinking back into the old patterns and habits that lead me back to the addiction hole.

Sorry haha, I got on a rant there. I'm just passionate about the quit. I was a serial quitter for 10 years and smoked for 20 years! 10 years of my life, in and out trying to quit almost every day. Over and over. From Seattle to Brooklyn and back. It is as crazy as it sounds and more.

Time to move on. Time to empower yourself and be the black sheep and show yourself you can do it. It's empowering also when someone else notices your journey and sees how positive and productive your choice has changed your life. Lead by example and stick around those who encourage your lifestyle!!!!!!

Adam

Icky Sticky Green Haze

Every one has a different story with marijuana and I like that. We all just have to be honest with ourselves. I have many friends that smoke weed and each person is different. I have some friends that get lost in the haze, smoke too much and are out of touch with reality. They struggle with it just like alcohol and use it to escape life and its trials. I have others that do it recreationally and keep it separate from day to day life. They just do it on a day off, going to a movie or camping. That's sorta what I do, but I really don't smoke it anymore. About a month ago I got rid of my pipes and gear and gave my weed to a buddy. Don't really need it where I'm going in life. 

Honestly, I quit smoking cigarettes and alcohol at the same time. I was never a big weed smoker. I smoked weed here and there as I was getting my quit of alc and nic up and running and I felt it was really healing, and made me feel positive and get in touch with myself at the time. I would smoke it at night and meditate and think positive thoughts. Something I could no longer do while drinking alcohol. I never smoked weed and cigs together so I never craved cigarettes when I smoked weed. after a while, I didn't need it anymore and I'll only smoke or eat a little here or there when camping or going to a psy-fy movie or something I want to blow my mind haha. I can't do it that much because I have head and ear issues and it seems to effect me that way, or I might smoke it a bit more here and there. Ultimately glad I don't because it's just one more thing that is easy to over use and have a problem with.

To each it's different. It sounds like for you it skews your reality a bit and that you may need some time away to face life. In the end, if you are trying to quit smoking cigs, you have to close all doors that may lead you back to it. If that means quitting weed, or alcohol....or chocolate cake, then do what you have to do. Just keep going and never look back. trust yourself and be honest!


Adam

Everett Half Marathon 4/9/17

536 days quit. Tomorrow I'm going to run the Everett Half Marathon with my older brother John. Before I freed myself, running with my brother was only a dream of mine that made me feel sad and have regret. 2 weeks ago I got 5th place out of 60 in a 10 mile trail race. 

These are both things I wouldn't have done if I was still smoking cigs and binge drinking. 

Come what may, I pledge and promise to remain nicotine and alcohol free today! 

Wish me luck! 
Adam

No Man's Ocean...500 Days

No Man's Ocean: When we first quit, it is like leaving the shore line with a vast ocean ahead of us. We board our quit boat and set off on our journey not sure of what's ahead. Fear is looming but we know we have to leave to start fresh. It's tough to go and seek new lands and new possibilities in life. At first we want to return because we can still see the shore and all that we left behind. 

The cigs were our so called "friends" staring and calling back at us from shore. But we know they only offer negativity and bad health. If we go back, we know nothing will change and our efforts will be for not. We will have given up on our voyage, never giving ourselves the chance to see what we are capable of and where we could end up. 

The fear can come and try to sweep us back to shore. To me it's more like no man's ocean than no man's land, and the cravings are the waves beating at us over and over again...but if we get out far enough, we make it past the breakers and find we aren't alone. 

Others have found their own private Islands, and built new homes and new foundations. The waters are calmer and our friends help us find our own way, help us find new sources for survival. They lead us to our own secret lands where anything is possible. We have the chance to start new and explore life's possibilities with a new found freedom that staying on shore could never offer. 

I feel I have been in no man's ocean, but I know I am arriving at my destination. It doesn't happen over night. The natural journey of our quit builds the foundation of our new lives, our new homes on our own private Islands. We stand amongst all the people that gave a damn while we were gritting through the ups and downs of our recovery. 

We must stay resilient and see this thing through. We must live in the future every day. We must have faith and believe that we will reach our destination before we are there. Use your imagination and keep seeing what you are not now but what you will become! That's the only way to get off the shore of addiction and on the island of freedom. 

Adam

Maple Valley Nic/Alc Dream

Good morning everyone! I'm still around!

I had what seems to be my 10th smoking/drinking dream of the winter. So much guilt, shame, feeling of being alone and stuck in a cycle. I don't know why I've been having so many at this point in my quit. I think it's because I have had some depression and the passing thought comes of what would happen if I relapsed like I did in the past. It's not an actual though of intention, but a thought of taking myself through the steps to remember how much of a let down and negative space to be in. The thought leaves quickly because I will not smoke/drink and it scares the heck out of me and sounds completely gross!

I am 110% committed to my quit! I'm glad in the end I'm having these dreams because it teaches me all the misery of the "shame spiral" I used to go through when I was relapsing over and over and over and over again.

Off to work now, just wanted to get that out of my system, say hello and document the journey I am on. I still focus daily on my quit and renew my commitment as often as needed! Have a great day you guys and keep the quit. Keep it for yourself, no one else can take that away from you!

Adam
D464

A Reminder...A Relapse from 9/4/15

I feel depressed about this relapse. I went from top of the world to bottom of the barrel in one day. I work so hard and then one little thing is triggered and I did the last thing I wanted to do...but that's why I did it. I've been trying to overcome all this bad luck that's been coming my way without smoking because I know it won't make a damn thing better. Smoking was me believing that the universe was against me and just wanted me to fail. Smoking was like me saying "ok, I'll give up! There, I did it! Is that what you wanted?"


But then I'm just left with starting over and feeling their isn't a way out. I feel nasty right now. I feel depressed. I feel stuck. That's what relapse instills is a feeling of FEAR! I don't believe that though, so I've got my quit back and going to take every moment I need to stay focused and progress.


You either smoke or you don't. It's been harder than that for me but it doesn't have to be. I have to simplify and never smoke no matter what because it leads you nowhere but backwards!!

2 things I can do every day is take a moment in the beginning of the day to pledge, check in, do my blog. I'm not really religious but I'll still pray to just to be mindful and thankful for what I have. Another thing is get some form of exercise even if only a walk. I do work on my feet at a restaurant but that's not the same as personal time. 

I'm sure it can be somewhat true that I start feeling emotional when on a fresh quit and then don't get too far out to sea before I retreat back to the smokes. 

In this instance I drank too much which I should've stopped after 2-3 drinks, something triggered me to feel like all my bad luck is the universe wanting me to fail. 

The whole thing was all in my head and I punished myself. I believed the lies. 

The whole thing was nasty. I didn't enjoy even one of the drags and I pissed the whole time. It was not worth it at all. 

Sorry so long, but I really need to do this and really know I can disconnect myself from the serial quitter label. I know I can do this....for me it is a day to day check in. Planning out my day really helps me keep things moving but I also can't be hard on myself if I don't get everything done. 

I just bought a marker/cork board for my desk to keep positive posts on and to organize my day!

I always have to keep my quit as my #1 priority because I am an addict and I can never have one. 

SMOKING IS OFF THE TABLE!!


Arghhhhhh


Adam