No Man's Ocean...500 Days

No Man's Ocean: When we first quit, it is like leaving the shore line with a vast ocean ahead of us. We board our quit boat and set off on our journey not sure of what's ahead. Fear is looming but we know we have to leave to start fresh. It's tough to go and seek new lands and new possibilities in life. At first we want to return because we can still see the shore and all that we left behind. 

The cigs were our so called "friends" staring and calling back at us from shore. But we know they only offer negativity and bad health. If we go back, we know nothing will change and our efforts will be for not. We will have given up on our voyage, never giving ourselves the chance to see what we are capable of and where we could end up. 

The fear can come and try to sweep us back to shore. To me it's more like no man's ocean than no man's land, and the cravings are the waves beating at us over and over again...but if we get out far enough, we make it past the breakers and find we aren't alone. 

Others have found their own private Islands, and built new homes and new foundations. The waters are calmer and our friends help us find our own way, help us find new sources for survival. They lead us to our own secret lands where anything is possible. We have the chance to start new and explore life's possibilities with a new found freedom that staying on shore could never offer. 

I feel I have been in no man's ocean, but I know I am arriving at my destination. It doesn't happen over night. The natural journey of our quit builds the foundation of our new lives, our new homes on our own private Islands. We stand amongst all the people that gave a damn while we were gritting through the ups and downs of our recovery. 

We must stay resilient and see this thing through. We must live in the future every day. We must have faith and believe that we will reach our destination before we are there. Use your imagination and keep seeing what you are not now but what you will become! That's the only way to get off the shore of addiction and on the island of freedom. 

Adam

A Reminder...A Relapse from 9/4/15

I feel depressed about this relapse. I went from top of the world to bottom of the barrel in one day. I work so hard and then one little thing is triggered and I did the last thing I wanted to do...but that's why I did it. I've been trying to overcome all this bad luck that's been coming my way without smoking because I know it won't make a damn thing better. Smoking was me believing that the universe was against me and just wanted me to fail. Smoking was like me saying "ok, I'll give up! There, I did it! Is that what you wanted?"


But then I'm just left with starting over and feeling their isn't a way out. I feel nasty right now. I feel depressed. I feel stuck. That's what relapse instills is a feeling of FEAR! I don't believe that though, so I've got my quit back and going to take every moment I need to stay focused and progress.


You either smoke or you don't. It's been harder than that for me but it doesn't have to be. I have to simplify and never smoke no matter what because it leads you nowhere but backwards!!

2 things I can do every day is take a moment in the beginning of the day to pledge, check in, do my blog. I'm not really religious but I'll still pray to just to be mindful and thankful for what I have. Another thing is get some form of exercise even if only a walk. I do work on my feet at a restaurant but that's not the same as personal time. 

I'm sure it can be somewhat true that I start feeling emotional when on a fresh quit and then don't get too far out to sea before I retreat back to the smokes. 

In this instance I drank too much which I should've stopped after 2-3 drinks, something triggered me to feel like all my bad luck is the universe wanting me to fail. 

The whole thing was all in my head and I punished myself. I believed the lies. 

The whole thing was nasty. I didn't enjoy even one of the drags and I pissed the whole time. It was not worth it at all. 

Sorry so long, but I really need to do this and really know I can disconnect myself from the serial quitter label. I know I can do this....for me it is a day to day check in. Planning out my day really helps me keep things moving but I also can't be hard on myself if I don't get everything done. 

I just bought a marker/cork board for my desk to keep positive posts on and to organize my day!

I always have to keep my quit as my #1 priority because I am an addict and I can never have one. 

SMOKING IS OFF THE TABLE!!


Arghhhhhh


Adam

303 dyz...Troutnut Repost

(My response to Troutnut's Post):

The universe is right and real in its connection. I have walked the same path and you have helped me dearly in putting down the bottle and the sickarettes. I'm tearing up right now in happy revelation that their are others out there that know what it's like. Those who have felt that same tug of war. I'm so thankful for your amazing words and I am one of your biggest fans. In the end I didn't go the AA route, but I did go to Nicotine Anonymous (though not on my last and final quit). I learned what it means to surrender, and to pray and to take it day by day. This place means the world to us and I'm always happy to have this refuge even if just knowing you all are here when I can't make it. You touched me deeply today and wanted to let you know how much I care and that we are out here. 

Adam 
any day smoke free is a day of progress
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally, it got nasty. Really nasty. I had known for a very long time that I had crossed it. Both with my smoking and my drinking. I remember knowing for at least ten years. I don't remember when it was that I crossed it exactly, and it certainly wasn't marked very well. You would think something that important, that life and death, would be marked more clearly and carefully. People could get seriously hurt not knowing. But eventually, I got it. I knew. Even though it was invisible, I could see it. And I was over. WAY over! What I thought were just a couple of bad habits turned out to be far worse when I took the cute little words and colorful sugar coating off of them. The medical and psychiatric field labeled my smoking and drinking as concurrent chronic multiple terminal diseases. Holy cow! Obviously now, I could see it was kind of serious. Far more serious than a few little vices and bad habits. This was a race to see which could kill me first. Alcohol or tobacco? A true dead heat! 

So I finally admitted, to my innermost self, that I had crossed the invisible line. And that it was killing me. That much was clear. And I knew that I had to do something about it Immediately. So TODAY, that was the day. But I didn't want to tell anyone about it. I didn't want to break any promises. And I definitely wanted to do it on my own! That much was clear. Nobody could know. And then after I had done it, THEN I could tell people about it. Just in case I didn't make it, you know? I didn't want to disappoint anyone again.

 But how would I go about it? That was the question. I just needed to figure that out. But my brain was pretty muddled with 30 years of drinking and smoking. So I figured out I better just have a drink and a cigarette first, just so my mind would function you know. Next thing I was passed out, or blacked out. And I had postponed it again. It was like the movie "Groundhog Day", only with beer, wine, hard liquor, and sickarettes. 

And so it went. The AA Big Book said "Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death." Ditto with sickarettes. Insanity X 2. 

 Several years later, I stood that those gates. Utterly defeated. I dragged myself to an AA meeting on 11/23/1998. I finally surrendered. A couple of years later I used what I had learned in AA to quit smoking on 2/28/2001. And that worked too. Quit-net was instrumental in my recovery and I stick around to share what I have learned, and bring hope to those who have crossed the line like I did. 

I don't know who this message is for today. Every so often I get a message from the universe that there is someone else like me out there. Someone who is on the verge of figuring this out. And re-creating themselves as I needed to. To the best possible version of themselves from the worst possible version. A metamorphous! I know this will be hard to believe, but millions of us now know it is the truth. You don't have to be a drug addict or a boozer to fit in and be cool. The new cool is being healthy, sober, and drug free. Even Hollywood stars are figuring it out. You don't ever need to make yourself sick with drugs or alcohol again if you don't want to. Reality is very cool. 

If you are home alone trying to figure this out like I did, then you are home alone with, and taking advice from, a drug addict. My experience has been that does not not usually work out too well. But here we have access to hundreds of good folks that have found their way out of the cave. And they can show you precisely how they got out. If you can just bring yourself to listen. If you are anything like me in these regards, your life probably depends on getting this right. Give it your all! Ask for help. Yell and scream for help if you have to. 

Your friend in Montana, 
Troutnut1 (dennis)

295 dyz...Out of the Shame Spiral

Haha girl problems got me down. I'm bigger than that! Ended one relationship to start dating a girl who has a boyfriend. Liked her a lot but had to end it because I felt bad for the guy and I was the dispensable one. It also sorta makes you feel less than yourself and I'm better than that.

Gonna get out for a jog and hang with a friend tonight. Gotta move on. Plenty of fish in the see, without all the baggage!

Come what may I pledge and promise to remain smoke and drink free today! Neither of these solve anything. They just keep you in what I have always called the shame spiral!

Sometimes you have to do the work and put yourself in a better mood knowing how great you are! KTQ

Snagged this quote from @Val C. Thanks Val!

Adam

241dyz....The Day Before

I’m pretty nervous. I have my Marathon early tomorrow morning as many may know. It’s a lot of miles lol. I did do 23 about 2 1/2 weeks ago so I should be fine. My bib has my Quitnet user name on it to remind me of all the hard work I've put into my quit and how far I've made it (and how far I've run lol!) My older brother who has run marathons before is gonna show up and run the last leg with me! Really emotional and excited about that! 

 I just don’t like my head issues (tinnitus) I have which do mess with my running and make me feel a bit wonky afterwards, but it will not stop me :(. 

This week I found my girlfriend, pretty much black out drunk behind her locked bedroom door with another dude she met at a bar. Luckily I caught them quick but if I hadn’t shown up you know what would’ve happened, and I’d still be in the dark. She has a definite alcohol problem and that is something I've been trying to get away from. I'm stepping away from her to heal and to stay on my true path. 

I listened to my intuition that has been stronger since sober and smober. I ask why couldn’t this have happened any week other than marathon week. I feel life is always trying to test me. Now I don’t see it as a reason to smoke and drink, but to propel myself forward, to strengthen my resolve and to keep building the person I love to be, and the example I want to shine for others. 

I love you guys and thanks for all the support. I will report back and hopefully have a few photos to show!! 

KTQ and have a good day everyone! 

Adam

D240...Trust Your Intuition

I've had an intuition that something was up with my girlfriend. I showed up at her place and found her in her bedroom with a dude. She had been drinking. I know she is an alcoholic. We had just got off the phone maybe an hour before with her out of the blue saying she loves me and that I need to trust her and that she wants to only be with me and that she wanted to be with me that night. 

I told her I was heading home but when she was done at the bar to call me. No call. I texted her goodnight and no response. That's when I decided to get up out of bed and sorta trace her steps. I just had a feeling something wasn't right.

I don't know what to say. I got to her house which she shares with others. Front door is always open and I've always been welcome at all times of the day. Her bedroom door was locked and I knocked. She asked who it was and I said "Adam, just wanted to see you and hang out a bit!". The room went silent and so I called her phone. It started ringing and then I said, "obviously your in there". She came out, dude on her bed in the shadows of the bedroom. She then went to the bathroom and said "I didn't even kiss him." 

Her roommates told me she had multiple dudes in and out before, but they didn't really know our relationship so thought maybe it was open so they didn't say anything. She's the one that is always saying she loves me, she wants only me, she wants my baby. I feel so hurt right now but so proud that I followed my gut intuition and decided to track her down. I spoke to her softly and was glad to get her to face what she was doing. It was very painful and I deserve so much better. It's just sad because I did love her and think she's amazing in many ways.

I want to get drunk and smoke right now pretty badly. I just want to feel sorry for myself and be mad at her. I will not smoke or drink though because it just adds another problem on top of this one and would make me feel like the next problem would do the same. I'm never going back to where I was before. I'm never smoking or drinking again. They both have nothing to offer me but pain and suffering and life offers too much of that in the first place. 

 Adam

234 dyz....Money Issues...

Friends...I'm just stressed right now. Hating money right now! Help me back down to earth please.

Rent's going up!
Keep having to put money into my car!
Health Insurance going up!
Cell Phone going up!
Car Insurance going up!
Student loans...
Credit Card bills (my fault)

Job is not making me any more money than before. I make enough to take care of the bills but it makes me feel that stress that used to make me chain smoke and/or drink.

The one good thing is that I am no longer wasting money on smoking and drinking. I can also pick up shifts pretty much whenever I want to. I just need to put my nose to the grind stone and pay off the credit cards. It's hard not too get all emotionally wrapped up. Just needed to vent.

Have a great day y'all!

Adam

233 Dyz...Smoking Dreamz

Dang, I had a horribly intense dream that had convinced me that I had smoked. I felt I was ignoring Quitnet because I wasn't facing that I had relapsed. I even felt I had woken from the dream and that I truly had smoked. I think that's what actually freaked me out enough to wake my ass up.


The smoking nightmares have happened the last few days. I think queues in life remind my subconscious and it plays out in a dream. I am dating a girls that smokes and drinks. She doesn't always do it around me, but I still see it and smell it. It's weird that when I finally quit smoking and drinking, I start dating a girl that does both. The last 4 or 5 girls I've dated were non-smokers.
 
So thankful to be smoke and drink free and I will keep pressing forward. I'm not going back to that huge mess that gets us nowhere and makes us feel less than ourselves. When things like this happen I like to renew my vows and refocus. I will not "slip" back into old habits. I'm never going back to that personal hell of self-slavery and hate. 

Have a great smoke free day!

Adam

176 Dyz...RIP Nate Johnston

Almost at 6 months smoke and drink free and one of my best friends has passed away. He died from a Heroin overdose. It's hard to know what to say about it but it has hit me really hard. I've been having tons of mood swings and moments where I can feel my mind confused and not believing that I am awake and that this is reality. It's got me confused, but in the end I know the reality. A close friend has died way too young and from a drug overdose. 

I can't write enough to explain how much I care for the guy and it's sad to see him leave this earth. It's sad to know he's not breathing and that he'll never play a guitar again, or wake up again or eat a cheeseburger again. It's just weird and I don't quite know how to deal with it, but I know things will go on and that I'll be ok...and that also some day I'll die. I really hope not any time soon. I have too much life to still live. Nate had way too much life still left to live. 

All the emotions seem cliche. All the things I'm saying sound like everything we've heard before from people in the stages of loss. I've felt angry at him, at the universe, at the doc's that prescribed him opiates to deal with pain from a recent surgery, when he had been 6 months clean. In the end all I can think is that we all are trying to find peace, and maybe Nate couldn't find peace on earth. He is too special and too amazing for this earth. It didn't have enough to offer him, but he had plenty to offer us. 

I feel stronger than ever in my quits. This hasn't made me want to smoke or drink. It's made me want to work even harder towards a healthy and clear minded lifestyle. I'm so glad my little brother Brent got off heroin and is moving on clean. He made a great recovery with a good job, payed all his debts and we are closer than ever! 

Such a good friend is gone and it's gonna take some time to feel normal again, but I'll never get over the loss. He is like a brother to me and that will never change!

I dedicate my 6 month quit to Nate and all those people still stuck in the shame spiral of addiction. I know what it's like and it's hell. We all have our demons and our angels if you want to put it that way. I can't judge anyone. This teaches me to never judge anyone. I will leave that up to god or whatever force is in control of this chaos called life. 

Adam

154 Dayz...Learning to deal with stress

I made it out to the Big four Ice Caves with Travis today. It was an easy hike, the rain broke for us and it was very rewarding. I had a pretty busy work week but it felt good to be securing some money. On Sunday, last day of work week, I got off feeling fine but then went into another bit of a tail spin. 

 What I believed started happening was me feeling sorry for myself. I felt I had exerted so much energy helping others have a good time, I wanted someone to listen to my story and time to decompress and think about my week. I pretty much listened to Feven’s story though and I started feeling like no one cared to hear about my week. She was harmless, but I was stuck in my head and starting to feel I was getting grumpy. When I got home my roommate was in place on the couch. I also realized I had to get up early because Trav was picking me up for the Ice Cave trip.

I pretty much started feeling like I was doing all this shit for other people and I had no where to go and I felt lonely and unhappy. Didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere. Usually I would go to booze and smokes, but don’t have either of those. Now it’s tough sometimes for me to work through things and I need time but don’t always have it. Hanging with Feven I tried to leave 2 different times and I was having a hard time being my normal self. I was annoyed with her on different levels. I also started feeling we are in different places. She doesn’t work and is drinking and smoking. I stuck it through the night and met up with Trav the next morning. I had a great time with him exploring up in Granite Falls area at the Ice Caves. I was Hiking and taking photos and was so glad to have some time to get away once I was out there. When I came home I fell into a bit of a depression and had a food binge of sweets. I sent a text to Feven to see if we were good and she still hasn’t responded to me. It makes me feel bad and I’m afraid she spent the day drinking but that’s just my head feeling weird about things.

Anyways, I’m going through some shit. I want to be happy, healthy and having good times. For the most part I am, but it seems lately once a week I am getting depressed. I think It’s still from getting overwhelmed, feel like I’m not doing enough which in turn makes me feel not good enough and then I have to pull myself out of it because I don’t truly believe that. I know I’m good enough, I know I’m accomplishing a lot even in those lonely moments I don’t always think I feel the benefits.

I’m starting to look forward to working on my music and setting up my camping trips for the summer. I already quit the Sweet Dominiques, but I just see it as a step in the right direction to not second guess my music. I have some new gear and the gear to record my songs so I’m going to start chipping away on that as I prepare to play live. My friend who leads the Sweet Dominiques joined another band further along and he was trying to take two of my songs to use in the other band. I told him I didn’t write those for other people to use them. I also saw it as him giving me a salute to the power of my music and made me once again realize I need to own what I am capable of and share it with the world.

My friend Taylor won the lottery to hike the Enchantments in the September, so along with my road trip through Yellowstone on the way to a show at Red Rocks in August to see Lord Huron, it is already looking to be an amazing summer. I’m sure I will be taking a few other camping trips so I’m starting to check my gear and see what else I may need. I know I need some hiking pants that zip off into shorts and a new sleeping pad that is wider than the one I have. The one I have now isn’t wide enough for me and it feels like you are sleeping on the edge of a cliff all night that keeps you awake. Super annoying. May have a to drop a pretty penny, but it’ll be worth it for a good nights rest!

Ok. I feel I got most everything down. Needed to sort of vent. Hanging with Trav and letting myself just sleep at home really helped me take the load off and I feel ready to run errands and get a bit of a workout tomorrow without being too taxing. The work week starts the next day and I want plenty of down time to re-coop!

Adam
see you at the top!

5 months nic and alc free

This is the contract I wrote and signed the day I quit! It's on my wall and it is a great reminder that we have to remember why we quit and where we came from to get where we are today!



I had a really shitty few days towards the end of last week. I got all the way to the point where I had bought smokes, took one out of the pack and I had it in my mouth! When I was about to light it, the man from the bodega I bought them from came outside and lit up a cigarette. 



I hesitated and watched his actions. He let out a big puff and a sigh and I looked into the sunset. I remembered back to all the moments I had where I had lit up and wished I had a way out of the boredom and monotony of smoking. I could feel that stagnant notion where you feel burdened by the same old same old junky routine and wasted days over and over and over.

I started talking to the guy about how crazy of a car ride I had just taken through a storm and by then I had put the cigarette and lighter away. Before I had no doubt in my head I was gonna smoke and binge on alcohol, but I found myself coming back to reality. I took off in my car and gave the pack away and couldn't believe how close to the edge I had let myself get. 

I am so glad I didn't smoke. That has been my toughest moment yet. That was really scary. I'm really starting to slow my life down more and give myself to rest, eat healthy, work when need be and follow my hobbies. I was pushing myself too hard, and it was slowly turning into what felt like defeat, which led to me believing life was no better sober, which almost led me back to relapse. 

I have to remember to take a deep breathe, center myself and realize everything is going to be alright! It's time to take care of ourselves and to keep making progress, even if that means only a smoke free day lounging in sweat pants. That is still a day we didn't do the one thing that we don't want to do. It's still a day to feel accomplished

Have a great smoke free day friends!

Adam
150dyz

145 Days...Bad Day All Day

I don't want to smoke at all. Sounds gross and pointless, so it's not happening. I just want to feel sorry for myself and that's why I used to smoke and drink. To feel sorry for myself. 

I got off of work and just felt exhausted. Exhausted from working so hard at life in general and then feeling not good enough. I have head issues that can't be fixed. I have tinnitus. All I can really fix is my diet, but then I went and binged on sweets, fell asleep and woke with my head ringing and feeling way out of it and depressed. 

I feel alone right now and annoyed. I don't feel I can have my own private time at home except in my own room. I'm busy and gone all the time but my roommate is always sitting on the couch. All she does is work and then come home and sit on the couch. Tomorrow I am driving north to have practice with my band for the first time but the thought of it is exhausting. 

I don't feel ready, I'm out of practice and I feel I'm suppose to show up and wail on the guitar but I'm not ready. Anyways, I'm just frustrated about what feels like every little thing right now.

I'm trying to shake it. I don't want to give up and throw in the towel. Smoking wouldn't do a damn thing but make me feel gross and make things worse...I know that already. Just sort of need to ride it out and think of the positive and pray. 

Have a great night. Keep moving forward even if that means just being smoke free for another day!

Adam

125dyz...We are all in this together

Never met anyone in real life on this forum, but each day I feel I owe my freedom and a happier future to a few of them. I know in the end we owe our quits to our self-help, but connecting with others helps us know we aren't alone.

It's a pretty amazing thing we have here. We get support from people we don't even know. We pour our hearts out through these devices daily to help us stay on track and to feel understood through the ups and downs of addiction and healing.

Anonymity, celebrity, friendship, strength, love, empathy, compassion. We gain friendships with people that help us save our lives. In a way, a few of the people on this site are as important as people in 3D life. It's crazy to say, but true.

Think about what we gain when we stop killing ourselves slowly and start living with more purpose and passion. Our eyes and mind ,or minds-eye, seems to awaken from a slumber where we were numbing the pain by hiding and never facing our lives and what we are capable of.

Our prayers are expressed, our stories are heard and we give and receive help from ourselves and all around the world. I know I ramble a lot, but these are just such important steps to take. The small steps we take that get us from point A to point B are what add up. One step at a time is the answer...ALWAYS.

I've had some interesting weeks lately that have tested me in every way and feel I am learning a lot on this life-long journey. I'm so thankful to have such a wonderful amount of support wherever I turn. I hope those who are struggling just like I did for so long, can sooner than later, help themselves by reaching out to others. Especially those who have been through what we are facing.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Adam
125dyz

4 months smoke free

I'm tired of wasting time on things that aren't important. Family is important. Happiness and working towards it is important. Being ourselves, finding ourselves, healing ourselves and not letting anyone take these things from us is important. have a good day or night wherever you are. 

Today marks the longest quit I've had since 2005 when I threw away an 11 month quit. I don't really know how important this date is, I'm not trying to put a time stamp on anything. Quitting is one day at a time and smoking is no longer ever an option for me. NO MATTER WHAT!

Adam 

115dyz...KEEP MOVING FORWARD

Need to write a bit. Yesterday was one of my rough days. I did not smoke but I did binged on junk food to try and feel better. I don't want to do that, but it's still baby steps. :(

My friend said it right "It's all peaks and valleys. The important thing is we keep going. One bad night is just that, one. It's a new day!"

Now, we can't just let ourselves have "one" bad day of smoking without full relapse (at least for me). I smoked for an 18 year period and 10 years I was in relapse thinking I could "just have one".

I do believe that I am on a different path now with smoking and drinking out of the picture. I know I'm not going to stop. I'm gonna keep on going, get out that door and roll with the punches.

I'm thankful to be smoke free today and on my path.

As I always say, "any day smoke free is a day of progress"


So today I'm going to get out there. I am heading up to Bellingham to do the Fragrance Lake 10K, and also going to be staying in Mt. Vernon to visit Joe Sneva, play some music and get ready to record and EP. All I can say is that I wouldn't be doing any of that if I was still stuck in my own shadows of addiction binge drinking and smoking and relapsing and feeling sorry for myself and hating myself for it! ALL TRUTH!

Adam

111 Dyz...

Back to patience again. Just got done with 2 doubles. Yelled out loud " I want to fucking smoke, I want to fucking drink" in my car on the way home.

It's hard to always feel so serious about something, but I look at my scenario, my reality and know that I can't just have a smoke, can't just have a drink. I would just be so hard on myself, I wouldn't be happy, I'd go into the old shame spiral rut.

I've worked so hard to get where I am. I have a lot to learn. I felt sorry for myself. I feel I want some kind of release because I could just numb everything before....but that's me never facing myself.

Anyways, just had a hard time getting off of work. I still don't feel completely normal and sometimes I feel a bit boring but I will not lose track of my quit and my goals. I will not smoke over it! Thanks for listening and sleep well.

Adam

109Dyz...Friends

Just wanted to give a quick shout out to my friends in my life. The ones I know will always be there. We dream big and we can also do the smallest of things without pressure or judgement. I spent the day hanging with Trav and Meech on the East side (Redmond). We had so much fun just taking the day as it came. We did a small trail walk, went out to dinner and reminisced about the old times. We also planned our snow shoe trip for Feb. 15th, 2016 and our summer '16 road trip to camp through Yellowstone and end in Colorado at Red Rocks to see Lord Huron play. 

I'm mentioning this because before I quit, when I was wrapped up in alcohol and nicotine shame, I wouldn't be excited about these plans. I wouldn't have my whole heart in it like I do now...and that was only 109 days ago. So much has changed. I have to remember how much different my attitude is now. Before I'd be in the relapse shame spiral. Day in day out, the only thing I could think of was smoking, drinking and/or wishing I wasn't smoking/drinking and how the hell I was gonna end the madness and stop killing myself physically and emotionally. 

Now I feel like an adult child. Now I feel excited to get out and enjoy life, make plans, journey and discover my wanderlust. I'm so glad I'm not stuck in that old rut and when I get down on myself or feel lonely or that I'm not doing enough or not far enough along...I have to remember how far I've already made it in such a short period of time and how much amazing life I have to live and make choices, play music, run, eat good food, visit with family and friends etc. all the good things!

So, all in all, I'm really happy to have the friends I have and to be on the life path that I am on and that I will never change again to partake in things that are destructive and bring me down. 

One small step a day in the right direction and it all starts with knowing, any day I do not smoke or drink is a day I'm making progress...no matter if I lay in bed all day, or climb to the top of the highest peak in the world...I can always default to knowing that a smoke free day is a good day!

Adam

D107...The Dark Night of the Soul

Just a dream, but can't take it lightly. I had a nasty smoker's dream last night. I was in a dream within a dream. Even when I had gotten out of the nightmare of relapse, I talked to someone in my dream and they said that I truly had smoked. 

I was at some party, I don't even know the peeps in real life. I decided I'd drink even though I knew I was playing with fire. I started getting drunk and we were walking around town and I somehow either bought or got some smokes and started puffing away. As soon as I let that first one in, I couldn't stop and I started binge smoking, not caring how it was effecting me physically, mentally and especially emotionally. 

I could feel myself go to that place in my head where I separated myself from my surroundings. I knew I was doing something I didn't want to do and I felt the guilt and felt myself letting myself down....once again. That feeling was hitting me where life is stagnant, your just stuck in that same rut and it's just another night of wasting time and wishing you were doing something different, something productive or at least something that wasn't making you feel less than yourself. 

So I guess in the dream the night ended and I woke and talked to some guy who I guess was my friend and I said "I didn't smoke last night right? That was just a smoker's dream right?". He said "Adam, you did smoke last night". I asked him why he didn't stop me and I was mad at him. I truly can only be mad at myself because you can't rely on someone else, especially someone who smokes to keep "your quit" safe. 

I felt the regret, self-hate, sadness and the fact I couldn't take it back.  Smoking and relapse felt like a living nightmare. When I woke up my ears were ringing badly and I just hope this is all just me healing in different ways. Always so relieved when you wake up smoke-free, but we have to remember moments like this and the honest feelings that relapse releases into your body. All negative feelings that hurt the soul! I am not going back through that ever again!!! 

No one deserves that! 

Adam

"If you want a thing bad enough" ~Les Brown

!!MEMORIZE THIS!! 

 

"If you want a thing bad enough to go out and fight for it,

to work day and night for it, to give up your time, 

your peace and sleep for it… 

if all that you dream and scheme is about it,

…and life seems useless and worthless without it… 

if you gladly sweat for it and fret for it and plan for it 

and lose all your terror of the opposition for it…

if you simply go after that thing that you want 

with all your capacity, strength and sagacity, 

faith hope and confidence and stern pertinacity…

if neither cold, poverty, famine, nor gout, 

sickness nor pain, of body and brain, 

can keep you away from the thing that you want…

if dogged and grim you beseech and beset it, 

with the help of God, 

YOU WILL GET IT!" 

– Les Brown

103 dyz...HONESTY

I'm gonna be honest. My quit is a serious thing for me. It does feel like life or death. It does feel like good or bad. It does feel like all or nothing. I relapsed for over 10 years wishing I could be ok with that grey area and I just fucking couldn't. I couldn't just settle for 2nd best or a life where I didn't become the best that I could with what I had. I just had to follow through and prove to myself that I could quit for good and that I couldn't just give the fuck up and be a passive person. 

I felt like I was in HELL when smoking and in relapse towards the end. I couldn't stop thinking about it until I started my FINAL QUIT on October, 20th, 2015 @ 1pm. Every day I have stayed on the ball. I pray every morning I wake up. I pray every time I have a meal. I pray every time I go to sleep. When I feel myself slipping, I pray again, take deep breathes, get support...I do what it takes to stay smoke free. I just know how much I don't want to go back to the black shadows of addiction and hating myself over it. 

I am not a part of any one religion about all of this but being more spiritually in tune is the one thing that moves me. Being connected to my spirit and whatever or whoever god is, is the closest I get within myself to feeling a power that is unexplainable and greater than my ego. It's the closest I get to understanding life and my purpose here, and that gives me a reason every day to keep trying and to keep  seeking wisdom on where I need to be and what I need to accomplish to become a greater man and to try and spread some positivity when only darkness sometimes seems to dwell.

I struggle with wanting to drink, but I went through years of hell with trying to quit smoking for good. Alcohol always brought my quits to an end. It always brought me depression. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust alcohol, or myself drinking alcohol again if I want to stay true to myself. It's sounds serious, because it is. It became serious after years on end of failing over and over and over again.

The pain and suffering. The self hate. The regret. Feeling less than. Feeling there is no hope or that my true self can never be explored, loved or understood.  I can never do the exploring numbed and hidden from my true self.

I'm a very sensitive person. I want all people, all beings to feel love. I feel empathy for everyone because through our lives, we all have pain. We all have things that make us hurt and I don't want that for anyone. I do understand that it makes us stronger though. That we learn from mistakes and we learn how to deal with and let go of suffering. My next big step is to keep having more compassion for human nature and to keep trying to bring out the light in others. I would never want to force it upon others but I've noticed that truly the more I give, I get more in return to see a positive influence and an understanding of the importance of love, forgiveness and acceptance.

I don't know where my life is heading right now, but I know it's gonna be a lot different than the last 33 years. My soul is trying to understand what is most important while on earth. I guess I'm trying to cut the fat and get to what truly matters. what is the meaning of all this. The closest I have so far is health, spirit, god, love, nature, family, friends, music, art, empathy, compassion, helping others, being kind to everyone.....especially yourself. 

I don't know why quitting smoking and drinking has been such a tough thing and why it's opened up so many wounds, but I know I was doing it to numb it all. Towards the end I just knew that it's not what I wanted and that something needed to change in order for me to write the next chapter of my life. 

I struggle daily. I ride ups and downs, but no matter what, being sober and smober is way more rewarding than relapse 1,000,000 fold. I know I'm rambling but I've had a lot of anger lately again and I feel a natural tendency to need to expel what I'm thinking. I'm not going to stop seeking what will fulfill the need that is driving me forward. My current work is not enough. I belong somewhere else, but I understand the steps of life and the patience that follows. I know I can use my imagination to see where I'm going and what I'm going to become before it actually happens. My mind is already made up and I'm living in the present and only looking forward. 

I feel I'm on the right path and I need to remind myself that I've put forth a lot of amazing work. I know I've already helped influence others and I want to keep doing it in a humble way. I don't have all the answers, but I feel I have a calling that is coming to fruition every day I take another step in the right direction and keep praying, and keep working and keep searching and keep running and keep healing and keep resting and keep playing music and keep going to therapy and keep getting support and keep giving support and keep loving others and keep loving myself and keep eating healthy and keep creating art and keep using my imagination and keep smiling and keep keeping the dream alive in reality!

Adam