Here's a random quote for the quit. Sometimes we hit patches of fear as we go into uncharted territory. Instead of hiding behind a cloud of smoke, we have to face theses things to know who we are becoming and where we want to see ourselves!
Going for an 11 mile run today with a friend around Lake Union and out to the Ballard Locks here in Seattle, WA! I got a co-worker interested in running again and now we are inspiring each other!
As we go along in our quits, we find ourselves in different places, with people who we usually wouldn't have been, and all in a new and positive way!
Have a great day and KTQ friends!
Adam
If all else fails, return to nature.
Get out for some fresh air!!! My Monday trip to the Big 4 Ice Caves really helped me battle the city blues and my long work week! Back to work today but the trip made it all better!
Have a great day my friends and KTQ!
Adam
I made it out to the Big four Ice Caves with Travis today. It was an easy hike, the rain broke for us and it was very rewarding. I had a pretty busy work week but it felt good to be securing some money. On Sunday, last day of work week, I got off feeling fine but then went into another bit of a tail spin.
What I believed started happening was me feeling sorry for myself. I felt I had exerted so much energy helping others have a good time, I wanted someone to listen to my story and time to decompress and think about my week. I pretty much listened to Feven’s story though and I started feeling like no one cared to hear about my week. She was harmless, but I was stuck in my head and starting to feel I was getting grumpy. When I got home my roommate was in place on the couch. I also realized I had to get up early because Trav was picking me up for the Ice Cave trip.
I pretty much started feeling like I was doing all this shit for other people and I had no where to go and I felt lonely and unhappy. Didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere. Usually I would go to booze and smokes, but don’t have either of those. Now it’s tough sometimes for me to work through things and I need time but don’t always have it. Hanging with Feven I tried to leave 2 different times and I was having a hard time being my normal self. I was annoyed with her on different levels. I also started feeling we are in different places. She doesn’t work and is drinking and smoking. I stuck it through the night and met up with Trav the next morning. I had a great time with him exploring up in Granite Falls area at the Ice Caves. I was Hiking and taking photos and was so glad to have some time to get away once I was out there. When I came home I fell into a bit of a depression and had a food binge of sweets. I sent a text to Feven to see if we were good and she still hasn’t responded to me. It makes me feel bad and I’m afraid she spent the day drinking but that’s just my head feeling weird about things.
Anyways, I’m going through some shit. I want to be happy, healthy and having good times. For the most part I am, but it seems lately once a week I am getting depressed. I think It’s still from getting overwhelmed, feel like I’m not doing enough which in turn makes me feel not good enough and then I have to pull myself out of it because I don’t truly believe that. I know I’m good enough, I know I’m accomplishing a lot even in those lonely moments I don’t always think I feel the benefits.
I’m starting to look forward to working on my music and setting up my camping trips for the summer. I already quit the Sweet Dominiques, but I just see it as a step in the right direction to not second guess my music. I have some new gear and the gear to record my songs so I’m going to start chipping away on that as I prepare to play live. My friend who leads the Sweet Dominiques joined another band further along and he was trying to take two of my songs to use in the other band. I told him I didn’t write those for other people to use them. I also saw it as him giving me a salute to the power of my music and made me once again realize I need to own what I am capable of and share it with the world.
My friend Taylor won the lottery to hike the Enchantments in the September, so along with my road trip through Yellowstone on the way to a show at Red Rocks in August to see Lord Huron, it is already looking to be an amazing summer. I’m sure I will be taking a few other camping trips so I’m starting to check my gear and see what else I may need. I know I need some hiking pants that zip off into shorts and a new sleeping pad that is wider than the one I have. The one I have now isn’t wide enough for me and it feels like you are sleeping on the edge of a cliff all night that keeps you awake. Super annoying. May have a to drop a pretty penny, but it’ll be worth it for a good nights rest!
Ok. I feel I got most everything down. Needed to sort of vent. Hanging with Trav and letting myself just sleep at home really helped me take the load off and I feel ready to run errands and get a bit of a workout tomorrow without being too taxing. The work week starts the next day and I want plenty of down time to re-coop!
Adam
see you at the top!
This is the contract I wrote and signed the day I quit! It's on my wall and it is a great reminder that we have to remember why we quit and where we came from to get where we are today!
I had a really shitty few days towards the end of last week. I got all the way to the point where I had bought smokes, took one out of the pack and I had it in my mouth! When I was about to light it, the man from the bodega I bought them from came outside and lit up a cigarette.
I hesitated and watched his actions. He let out a big puff and a sigh and I looked into the sunset. I remembered back to all the moments I had where I had lit up and wished I had a way out of the boredom and monotony of smoking. I could feel that stagnant notion where you feel burdened by the same old same old junky routine and wasted days over and over and over.
I started talking to the guy about how crazy of a car ride I had just taken through a storm and by then I had put the cigarette and lighter away. Before I had no doubt in my head I was gonna smoke and binge on alcohol, but I found myself coming back to reality. I took off in my car and gave the pack away and couldn't believe how close to the edge I had let myself get.
I am so glad I didn't smoke. That has been my toughest moment yet. That was really scary. I'm really starting to slow my life down more and give myself to rest, eat healthy, work when need be and follow my hobbies. I was pushing myself too hard, and it was slowly turning into what felt like defeat, which led to me believing life was no better sober, which almost led me back to relapse.
I have to remember to take a deep breathe, center myself and realize everything is going to be alright! It's time to take care of ourselves and to keep making progress, even if that means only a smoke free day lounging in sweat pants. That is still a day we didn't do the one thing that we don't want to do. It's still a day to feel accomplished
Have a great smoke free day friends!
Adam
150dyz
I don't want to smoke at all. Sounds gross and pointless, so it's not happening. I just want to feel sorry for myself and that's why I used to smoke and drink. To feel sorry for myself.
I got off of work and just felt exhausted. Exhausted from working so hard at life in general and then feeling not good enough. I have head issues that can't be fixed. I have tinnitus. All I can really fix is my diet, but then I went and binged on sweets, fell asleep and woke with my head ringing and feeling way out of it and depressed.
I feel alone right now and annoyed. I don't feel I can have my own private time at home except in my own room. I'm busy and gone all the time but my roommate is always sitting on the couch. All she does is work and then come home and sit on the couch.
Tomorrow I am driving north to have practice with my band for the first time but the thought of it is exhausting.
I don't feel ready, I'm out of practice and I feel I'm suppose to show up and wail on the guitar but I'm not ready.
Anyways, I'm just frustrated about what feels like every little thing right now.
I'm trying to shake it. I don't want to give up and throw in the towel. Smoking wouldn't do a damn thing but make me feel gross and make things worse...I know that already. Just sort of need to ride it out and think of the positive and pray.
Have a great night. Keep moving forward even if that means just being smoke free for another day!
Adam
An Adam Ramble. I'm here to say I won't give up.
I ran a 15K race today here in Seattle, WA. Something I wouldn't have done if still smoking and boozing. I ran with a co-worker and her boy. She said that I inspired her to start running again and that means a lot! I feel with being smober I am around more positive and influential people, and that's where I wanted to be. You never know the cool people that'll come out of the wood work when you change your life!
It's crazy to think I'm not going back to alcohol. I was just stopping to quit smoking, but now I'm more confident that I will live a sober life. Just not worth it. It was always my achille's heel. I could always find an excuse to smoke when drunk. Even being completely sober is hard sometimes, but I know if I was drinking....I'd be smoking. Simple as that!
Being sober isn't some magical pill that makes everything perfect. If anything, I've been having to face life and it's been harder then just numbing everything.
At a certain point you realize the numbing isn't doing anything for you and that you may have to go through some deep rooted emotions and pain in order to move on into a new and healthier chapter in life.
I have a lot of realities I'm having to face right now. A lot that I've been hiding from. I get waves of depression and feel I wasted too much time in addiction and relapse. As I face my issues, it creates a new me where I want to live healthier, try harder, be more present, help others more and be more connected and spiritual with the people and earth around me.
I'm learning a lot right now, and so much information is heading in and out of me. My schedule is so much more busy and I have to remember to always take time to relax and heal the mind, body and soul.
When things get tough I can always remember that as long as I don't take a puff on a cigarette, it doesn't matter what else I do in the day, because it's still a day of progress!
Sleep well and keep your quit safe!
Adam
