I made it out to the Big four Ice Caves with Travis today. It was an easy hike, the rain broke for us and it was very rewarding. I had a pretty busy work week but it felt good to be securing some money. On Sunday, last day of work week, I got off feeling fine but then went into another bit of a tail spin.
What I believed started happening was me feeling sorry for myself. I felt I had exerted so much energy helping others have a good time, I wanted someone to listen to my story and time to decompress and think about my week. I pretty much listened to Feven’s story though and I started feeling like no one cared to hear about my week. She was harmless, but I was stuck in my head and starting to feel I was getting grumpy. When I got home my roommate was in place on the couch. I also realized I had to get up early because Trav was picking me up for the Ice Cave trip.
I pretty much started feeling like I was doing all this shit for other people and I had no where to go and I felt lonely and unhappy. Didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere. Usually I would go to booze and smokes, but don’t have either of those. Now it’s tough sometimes for me to work through things and I need time but don’t always have it. Hanging with Feven I tried to leave 2 different times and I was having a hard time being my normal self. I was annoyed with her on different levels. I also started feeling we are in different places. She doesn’t work and is drinking and smoking. I stuck it through the night and met up with Trav the next morning. I had a great time with him exploring up in Granite Falls area at the Ice Caves. I was Hiking and taking photos and was so glad to have some time to get away once I was out there. When I came home I fell into a bit of a depression and had a food binge of sweets. I sent a text to Feven to see if we were good and she still hasn’t responded to me. It makes me feel bad and I’m afraid she spent the day drinking but that’s just my head feeling weird about things.
Anyways, I’m going through some shit. I want to be happy, healthy and having good times. For the most part I am, but it seems lately once a week I am getting depressed. I think It’s still from getting overwhelmed, feel like I’m not doing enough which in turn makes me feel not good enough and then I have to pull myself out of it because I don’t truly believe that. I know I’m good enough, I know I’m accomplishing a lot even in those lonely moments I don’t always think I feel the benefits.
I’m starting to look forward to working on my music and setting up my camping trips for the summer. I already quit the Sweet Dominiques, but I just see it as a step in the right direction to not second guess my music. I have some new gear and the gear to record my songs so I’m going to start chipping away on that as I prepare to play live. My friend who leads the Sweet Dominiques joined another band further along and he was trying to take two of my songs to use in the other band. I told him I didn’t write those for other people to use them. I also saw it as him giving me a salute to the power of my music and made me once again realize I need to own what I am capable of and share it with the world.
My friend Taylor won the lottery to hike the Enchantments in the September, so along with my road trip through Yellowstone on the way to a show at Red Rocks in August to see Lord Huron, it is already looking to be an amazing summer. I’m sure I will be taking a few other camping trips so I’m starting to check my gear and see what else I may need. I know I need some hiking pants that zip off into shorts and a new sleeping pad that is wider than the one I have. The one I have now isn’t wide enough for me and it feels like you are sleeping on the edge of a cliff all night that keeps you awake. Super annoying. May have a to drop a pretty penny, but it’ll be worth it for a good nights rest!
Ok. I feel I got most everything down. Needed to sort of vent. Hanging with Trav and letting myself just sleep at home really helped me take the load off and I feel ready to run errands and get a bit of a workout tomorrow without being too taxing. The work week starts the next day and I want plenty of down time to re-coop!
Adam
see you at the top!
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