252 Dyz...Post Rock N Roll Marathon...

Things are good. I'm still seeing that girl and things are delicate. She seems to be interested in making changes but it's also gonna take some time. Anything else and I'm gone for sure. 

 The marathon went well. I'm only nursing my knee which must've gotten a minor tear. So far just elyptical at gym, but will be running soon as I can. My buddy Brian owns a company called ProMotion that runs the Seattle Marathon in November. He can get me in for free, so I'm gonna do that one next and keep on runnin'! I won't have to train quite as hard now that I'm somewhat up to par. I'm in a place where my mind is thinking "what next?" 

I'm still interested in finding more meaning in my life so I'm still searching, still going to therapy, still praying and trying to stay spiritual and be positive. I feel I'm ready for a career change and it may be environmental work, nutrition, physical therapy or helping others in some way. I have an in through my brother to get into environmental work that could take me into many different areas. 

No drinks, no smokes for me! My mind lately has been wanting to allow me to have a beer here and there, but I know it's something that doesn't work for me with how emotional and sensitive I can be. For the month of July I am finally gonna do the Whole 30 diet. I really want to take some time to eat healthy and see how it effects my mood, my tinnitus and head issues, my running and just overall balance in life. 

I'm so thankful to be smoke and drink free. I'm so thankful I made it to where I am and feel I haven't even touched the tip of the iceberg on the things I want to conquer, the places I want to go, the people I want to be with and the things I want to see! I am so much more free day to day, moment to moment compared to when I felt like a slave only answering to my addictions and feeling less then I knew I was. Keep the quit and see you at the top!

Adam

241dyz....The Day Before

I’m pretty nervous. I have my Marathon early tomorrow morning as many may know. It’s a lot of miles lol. I did do 23 about 2 1/2 weeks ago so I should be fine. My bib has my Quitnet user name on it to remind me of all the hard work I've put into my quit and how far I've made it (and how far I've run lol!) My older brother who has run marathons before is gonna show up and run the last leg with me! Really emotional and excited about that! 

 I just don’t like my head issues (tinnitus) I have which do mess with my running and make me feel a bit wonky afterwards, but it will not stop me :(. 

This week I found my girlfriend, pretty much black out drunk behind her locked bedroom door with another dude she met at a bar. Luckily I caught them quick but if I hadn’t shown up you know what would’ve happened, and I’d still be in the dark. She has a definite alcohol problem and that is something I've been trying to get away from. I'm stepping away from her to heal and to stay on my true path. 

I listened to my intuition that has been stronger since sober and smober. I ask why couldn’t this have happened any week other than marathon week. I feel life is always trying to test me. Now I don’t see it as a reason to smoke and drink, but to propel myself forward, to strengthen my resolve and to keep building the person I love to be, and the example I want to shine for others. 

I love you guys and thanks for all the support. I will report back and hopefully have a few photos to show!! 

KTQ and have a good day everyone! 

Adam

D240...Trust Your Intuition

I've had an intuition that something was up with my girlfriend. I showed up at her place and found her in her bedroom with a dude. She had been drinking. I know she is an alcoholic. We had just got off the phone maybe an hour before with her out of the blue saying she loves me and that I need to trust her and that she wants to only be with me and that she wanted to be with me that night. 

I told her I was heading home but when she was done at the bar to call me. No call. I texted her goodnight and no response. That's when I decided to get up out of bed and sorta trace her steps. I just had a feeling something wasn't right.

I don't know what to say. I got to her house which she shares with others. Front door is always open and I've always been welcome at all times of the day. Her bedroom door was locked and I knocked. She asked who it was and I said "Adam, just wanted to see you and hang out a bit!". The room went silent and so I called her phone. It started ringing and then I said, "obviously your in there". She came out, dude on her bed in the shadows of the bedroom. She then went to the bathroom and said "I didn't even kiss him." 

Her roommates told me she had multiple dudes in and out before, but they didn't really know our relationship so thought maybe it was open so they didn't say anything. She's the one that is always saying she loves me, she wants only me, she wants my baby. I feel so hurt right now but so proud that I followed my gut intuition and decided to track her down. I spoke to her softly and was glad to get her to face what she was doing. It was very painful and I deserve so much better. It's just sad because I did love her and think she's amazing in many ways.

I want to get drunk and smoke right now pretty badly. I just want to feel sorry for myself and be mad at her. I will not smoke or drink though because it just adds another problem on top of this one and would make me feel like the next problem would do the same. I'm never going back to where I was before. I'm never smoking or drinking again. They both have nothing to offer me but pain and suffering and life offers too much of that in the first place. 

 Adam

D239...Marathon this Saturday

My marathon is this Saturday, June 18th, 2016! Don't have to run too much this week leading up to it. I've already done all the training. A bit nervous but ready to do this!

When I first signed up about a month into my quit, I put my Quitnet username on my racing bib. I will wear "AdamzfinalQ" across the finish line!

Getting emotional thinking about how far I've come. June 20th will be 8 months sober and smober for me!

Adam
D238

234 dyz....Money Issues...

Friends...I'm just stressed right now. Hating money right now! Help me back down to earth please.

Rent's going up!
Keep having to put money into my car!
Health Insurance going up!
Cell Phone going up!
Car Insurance going up!
Student loans...
Credit Card bills (my fault)

Job is not making me any more money than before. I make enough to take care of the bills but it makes me feel that stress that used to make me chain smoke and/or drink.

The one good thing is that I am no longer wasting money on smoking and drinking. I can also pick up shifts pretty much whenever I want to. I just need to put my nose to the grind stone and pay off the credit cards. It's hard not too get all emotionally wrapped up. Just needed to vent.

Have a great day y'all!

Adam

233 Dyz...Smoking Dreamz

Dang, I had a horribly intense dream that had convinced me that I had smoked. I felt I was ignoring Quitnet because I wasn't facing that I had relapsed. I even felt I had woken from the dream and that I truly had smoked. I think that's what actually freaked me out enough to wake my ass up.


The smoking nightmares have happened the last few days. I think queues in life remind my subconscious and it plays out in a dream. I am dating a girls that smokes and drinks. She doesn't always do it around me, but I still see it and smell it. It's weird that when I finally quit smoking and drinking, I start dating a girl that does both. The last 4 or 5 girls I've dated were non-smokers.
 
So thankful to be smoke and drink free and I will keep pressing forward. I'm not going back to that huge mess that gets us nowhere and makes us feel less than ourselves. When things like this happen I like to renew my vows and refocus. I will not "slip" back into old habits. I'm never going back to that personal hell of self-slavery and hate. 

Have a great smoke free day!

Adam