187 Dyz...Here To Learn

 I may sound emotional about this stuff, but it's because I care and I truly want to help others....... I wake up and pray. I eat and I pray. I go to sleep and I pray. I am not a religious person but a spiritual person. Being thankful and awake is what finally helped me quit. I stay thankful every day for the fact I am smoke free and drink free. Any time I feel I am being complacent or slipping, I take a deep breathe and I focus on the positive and the truth. I believe more and more every day that I can conquer any thing the fuck I want. 

I spent 10 plus years trying to quit and an 18 year period smoking...and boozing. Sooner or later you have to say yes or no. My message isn't about God but it's a message about finding your why....finding meaning in life...believing in yourself...doing not saying....staying true to your word....helping others....helping ourselves. I am still new to all of this so I am learning, but all this isn't about the cigarettes, it's about building a foundation where who we are, what we love, what we fight for, what we live for is more important than the instrument we used to use to hide from our pain, to hurt ourselves, to feel less than, to be destructive, to live in shame or regret. It doesn't matter whether it's cigarettes, nicotine or sugar. If it is being use to harm is negatively, it is a problem. 

Smoking is this place in our heads where we can put life on pause but after a while we realize all the time that is being wasted on something that isn't important. I wasted so much of my time just even in the fight of trying to quit I never want to go back. It's not easy, but you have to find or reconnect with what you love. It's time to live a different life. The life we always dreamed of for ourselves. It's not easy, but it is all there for us. Fuck everyone else. Fuck the people that pop up to say something isn't possible. 

When I first finally quit things 6 months ago, I came across a lot of people saying what I was doing wasn't possible. That I was going to fail because I did so many times before. Their is a certain point where something changes in our minds. We know we can't go back. We realize that this is it, that things are gonna change. You need to start focusing on how important that is. Keep it in the foreground of your life and mind. Think about what is truly important. It is a lot simpler than we make it out to be. 

6 Months Smober!

 

Today was my 6 month milestone!! No nicotine or alcohol the whole time! Played in the sun and worked all day. Forgot to post something. I was waiting and waiting for this day...and now it's over and I forgot to pay attention. Isn't that the way it goes haha! 

Thanks so much to all my friends in real life and all my online support. Sounds cliche but couldn't do it without knowing you all are here and always ready to help each other. Have a great night and a beautiful day tomorrow. Been a solid 80 degrees the last few days here in Seattle! Such nice weather! Adam

176 Dyz...RIP Nate Johnston

Almost at 6 months smoke and drink free and one of my best friends has passed away. He died from a Heroin overdose. It's hard to know what to say about it but it has hit me really hard. I've been having tons of mood swings and moments where I can feel my mind confused and not believing that I am awake and that this is reality. It's got me confused, but in the end I know the reality. A close friend has died way too young and from a drug overdose. 

I can't write enough to explain how much I care for the guy and it's sad to see him leave this earth. It's sad to know he's not breathing and that he'll never play a guitar again, or wake up again or eat a cheeseburger again. It's just weird and I don't quite know how to deal with it, but I know things will go on and that I'll be ok...and that also some day I'll die. I really hope not any time soon. I have too much life to still live. Nate had way too much life still left to live. 

All the emotions seem cliche. All the things I'm saying sound like everything we've heard before from people in the stages of loss. I've felt angry at him, at the universe, at the doc's that prescribed him opiates to deal with pain from a recent surgery, when he had been 6 months clean. In the end all I can think is that we all are trying to find peace, and maybe Nate couldn't find peace on earth. He is too special and too amazing for this earth. It didn't have enough to offer him, but he had plenty to offer us. 

I feel stronger than ever in my quits. This hasn't made me want to smoke or drink. It's made me want to work even harder towards a healthy and clear minded lifestyle. I'm so glad my little brother Brent got off heroin and is moving on clean. He made a great recovery with a good job, payed all his debts and we are closer than ever! 

Such a good friend is gone and it's gonna take some time to feel normal again, but I'll never get over the loss. He is like a brother to me and that will never change!

I dedicate my 6 month quit to Nate and all those people still stuck in the shame spiral of addiction. I know what it's like and it's hell. We all have our demons and our angels if you want to put it that way. I can't judge anyone. This teaches me to never judge anyone. I will leave that up to god or whatever force is in control of this chaos called life. 

Adam