Almost at 6 months smoke and drink free and one of my best friends has passed away. He died from a Heroin overdose. It's hard to know what to say about it but it has hit me really hard. I've been having tons of mood swings and moments where I can feel my mind confused and not believing that I am awake and that this is reality. It's got me confused, but in the end I know the reality. A close friend has died way too young and from a drug overdose.
I can't write enough to explain how much I care for the guy and it's sad to see him leave this earth. It's sad to know he's not breathing and that he'll never play a guitar again, or wake up again or eat a cheeseburger again. It's just weird and I don't quite know how to deal with it, but I know things will go on and that I'll be ok...and that also some day I'll die. I really hope not any time soon. I have too much life to still live. Nate had way too much life still left to live.
All the emotions seem cliche. All the things I'm saying sound like everything we've heard before from people in the stages of loss. I've felt angry at him, at the universe, at the doc's that prescribed him opiates to deal with pain from a recent surgery, when he had been 6 months clean. In the end all I can think is that we all are trying to find peace, and maybe Nate couldn't find peace on earth. He is too special and too amazing for this earth. It didn't have enough to offer him, but he had plenty to offer us.
I feel stronger than ever in my quits. This hasn't made me want to smoke or drink. It's made me want to work even harder towards a healthy and clear minded lifestyle. I'm so glad my little brother Brent got off heroin and is moving on clean. He made a great recovery with a good job, payed all his debts and we are closer than ever!
Such a good friend is gone and it's gonna take some time to feel normal again, but I'll never get over the loss. He is like a brother to me and that will never change!
I dedicate my 6 month quit to Nate and all those people still stuck in the shame spiral of addiction. I know what it's like and it's hell. We all have our demons and our angels if you want to put it that way. I can't judge anyone. This teaches me to never judge anyone. I will leave that up to god or whatever force is in control of this chaos called life.
Adam
Hi Adam, I am so very sorry about your friend. My beautiful 26-year-old cousin shot herself three years ago after she'd relapsed on heroin; I guess she couldn't face telling her husband or her parents that she was using again after she'd gotten clean in rehab for a couple of years. The death of someone so young, as she and your friend were, is shocking when it happens, and so dreadful as you begin to realize the permanence of the loss. I know this must all be terribly upsetting to you, but I hope you really maintain the even keel you've found by leaving your own drugs of choice behind you. I've followed you for a long time on Quitnet and feel very happy for you that you have finally found your footing. Grieve for your friend, but don't let his death drag you down a bad path.
ReplyDelete(moggyfan on Quitnet)
Thank you so much for you kind reply. I'm sorry for your loss. Such a tragic way to go. I feel sometimes people hit a crossroads and life seems to back you into a corner. I wish she had seen the way out. I wish Nate was still alive. Thanks for your support. I won't lose the quit. This is only making me stronger. I know I would've been binge drinking and smoking if this had happened 6 months ago. Anything is an excuse to use when you are in the shame spiral.
ReplyDeleteAdam
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