I'm gonna be honest. My quit is a serious thing for me. It does feel like life or death. It does feel like good or bad. It does feel like all or nothing. I relapsed for over 10 years wishing I could be ok with that grey area and I just fucking couldn't. I couldn't just settle for 2nd best or a life where I didn't become the best that I could with what I had. I just had to follow through and prove to myself that I could quit for good and that I couldn't just give the fuck up and be a passive person.
I felt like I was in HELL when smoking and in relapse towards the end. I couldn't stop thinking about it until I started my FINAL QUIT on October, 20th, 2015 @ 1pm. Every day I have stayed on the ball. I pray every morning I wake up. I pray every time I have a meal. I pray every time I go to sleep. When I feel myself slipping, I pray again, take deep breathes, get support...I do what it takes to stay smoke free. I just know how much I don't want to go back to the black shadows of addiction and hating myself over it.
I am not a part of any one religion about all of this but being more spiritually in tune is the one thing that moves me. Being connected to my spirit and whatever or whoever god is, is the closest I get within myself to feeling a power that is unexplainable and greater than my ego. It's the closest I get to understanding life and my purpose here, and that gives me a reason every day to keep trying and to keep seeking wisdom on where I need to be and what I need to accomplish to become a greater man and to try and spread some positivity when only darkness sometimes seems to dwell.
I struggle with wanting to drink, but I went through years of hell with trying to quit smoking for good. Alcohol always brought my quits to an end. It always brought me depression. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust alcohol, or myself drinking alcohol again if I want to stay true to myself. It's sounds serious, because it is. It became serious after years on end of failing over and over and over again.
The pain and suffering. The self hate. The regret. Feeling less than. Feeling there is no hope or that my true self can never be explored, loved or understood. I can never do the exploring numbed and hidden from my true self.
I'm a very sensitive person. I want all people, all beings to feel love. I feel empathy for everyone because through our lives, we all have pain. We all have things that make us hurt and I don't want that for anyone. I do understand that it makes us stronger though. That we learn from mistakes and we learn how to deal with and let go of suffering. My next big step is to keep having more compassion for human nature and to keep trying to bring out the light in others. I would never want to force it upon others but I've noticed that truly the more I give, I get more in return to see a positive influence and an understanding of the importance of love, forgiveness and acceptance.
I don't know where my life is heading right now, but I know it's gonna be a lot different than the last 33 years. My soul is trying to understand what is most important while on earth. I guess I'm trying to cut the fat and get to what truly matters. what is the meaning of all this. The closest I have so far is health, spirit, god, love, nature, family, friends, music, art, empathy, compassion, helping others, being kind to everyone.....especially yourself.
I don't know why quitting smoking and drinking has been such a tough thing and why it's opened up so many wounds, but I know I was doing it to numb it all. Towards the end I just knew that it's not what I wanted and that something needed to change in order for me to write the next chapter of my life.
I struggle daily. I ride ups and downs, but no matter what, being sober and smober is way more rewarding than relapse 1,000,000 fold. I know I'm rambling but I've had a lot of anger lately again and I feel a natural tendency to need to expel what I'm thinking. I'm not going to stop seeking what will fulfill the need that is driving me forward. My current work is not enough. I belong somewhere else, but I understand the steps of life and the patience that follows. I know I can use my imagination to see where I'm going and what I'm going to become before it actually happens. My mind is already made up and I'm living in the present and only looking forward.
I feel I'm on the right path and I need to remind myself that I've put forth a lot of amazing work. I know I've already helped influence others and I want to keep doing it in a humble way. I don't have all the answers, but I feel I have a calling that is coming to fruition every day I take another step in the right direction and keep praying, and keep working and keep searching and keep running and keep healing and keep resting and keep playing music and keep going to therapy and keep getting support and keep giving support and keep loving others and keep loving myself and keep eating healthy and keep creating art and keep using my imagination and keep smiling and keep keeping the dream alive in reality!
Adam
I struggle with wanting to drink, but I went through years of hell with trying to quit smoking for good. Alcohol always brought my quits to an end. It always brought me depression. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust alcohol, or myself drinking alcohol again if I want to stay true to myself. It's sounds serious, because it is. It became serious after years on end of failing over and over and over again.
The pain and suffering. The self hate. The regret. Feeling less than. Feeling there is no hope or that my true self can never be explored, loved or understood. I can never do the exploring numbed and hidden from my true self.
I'm a very sensitive person. I want all people, all beings to feel love. I feel empathy for everyone because through our lives, we all have pain. We all have things that make us hurt and I don't want that for anyone. I do understand that it makes us stronger though. That we learn from mistakes and we learn how to deal with and let go of suffering. My next big step is to keep having more compassion for human nature and to keep trying to bring out the light in others. I would never want to force it upon others but I've noticed that truly the more I give, I get more in return to see a positive influence and an understanding of the importance of love, forgiveness and acceptance.
I don't know where my life is heading right now, but I know it's gonna be a lot different than the last 33 years. My soul is trying to understand what is most important while on earth. I guess I'm trying to cut the fat and get to what truly matters. what is the meaning of all this. The closest I have so far is health, spirit, god, love, nature, family, friends, music, art, empathy, compassion, helping others, being kind to everyone.....especially yourself.
I don't know why quitting smoking and drinking has been such a tough thing and why it's opened up so many wounds, but I know I was doing it to numb it all. Towards the end I just knew that it's not what I wanted and that something needed to change in order for me to write the next chapter of my life.
I struggle daily. I ride ups and downs, but no matter what, being sober and smober is way more rewarding than relapse 1,000,000 fold. I know I'm rambling but I've had a lot of anger lately again and I feel a natural tendency to need to expel what I'm thinking. I'm not going to stop seeking what will fulfill the need that is driving me forward. My current work is not enough. I belong somewhere else, but I understand the steps of life and the patience that follows. I know I can use my imagination to see where I'm going and what I'm going to become before it actually happens. My mind is already made up and I'm living in the present and only looking forward.
I feel I'm on the right path and I need to remind myself that I've put forth a lot of amazing work. I know I've already helped influence others and I want to keep doing it in a humble way. I don't have all the answers, but I feel I have a calling that is coming to fruition every day I take another step in the right direction and keep praying, and keep working and keep searching and keep running and keep healing and keep resting and keep playing music and keep going to therapy and keep getting support and keep giving support and keep loving others and keep loving myself and keep eating healthy and keep creating art and keep using my imagination and keep smiling and keep keeping the dream alive in reality!
Adam
Powerful post Adam. One of your finest.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Have had a tough week. Knew I needed to write and this is what came out. A reminder of what I'm doing this all for. Thanks for commenting.
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