7 Months Smober

7 months today! I am very thankful to be alcohol and nicotine free. I still have a lot of work to do, but life is one day at a time. I spend my time thinking about those things that can better my life, instead of dwelling on regret, guilt, shame and self-hate. I have found there is an answer for everything in time. 

The main thing I don't miss is the constant battle of going back and forth between smoking and quitting. I did that for 10 plus years with 1000's of quits. I mean 1000's! I left a lot of things abandoned and abused in my wake. Quitting smoking is freedom from all the neglect and wasted days. 

Smoking offers nothing for me but pain and suffering and giving up on self. It feels good to free myself from that pattern, and peel back the onion that built around me for so many years. Thanks for all your support. Love you guys! 

Adam

208 Dyz..The Shift

Need to ramble a bit. Feeling alone. Having one of my rough nights. I won't be smoking or drinking, just feel I still need a shift in what I spend my time doing. This is when I used to binge drink, or smoke or relapse and feel sorry for myself. This is when I used to throw it all away if I wasn't already knee deep in all the bullshit. Now the most I do is eat ice cream bars and binge on Catfish tv show haha!

I've been focusing a lot on my marathon June 18th, but haven't been focusing on my music as much as I want to. When I think of my music, I think of wasted time. I think of wishing I hadn't wasted so much time. I think of my ear problems. All those thoughts ever do are make me hold on to negative shame. It keeps me from doing what I love and that's make music!

I need to take baby steps and record and work on my songs and projects. I have a decent job, decent money but it takes away from the time I want to be spending on formulating a career elsewhere and the things I love. That is life though right. Still gotta pay the bills.

Anyways, I just needed to process. Life is really good right now. I just need to keep track of my eating diet, do what I can with the running, work hard, play hard and start working on songs and recording them on my free time. 

It all is a lot easier than I make it out to be!

Adam

197 Dyz...prep for marathon

Quitting smoking and drinking is the best thing I have ever done for myself. It still doesn't mean I'm always happy about it, but when I truly rationalize and look at the situation...if I picture what smoking and/or drinking would truly do for me in that moment, it would only set me back and make me feel really down on myself. It would hurt me physically and make me sick, make me depressed and feel stuck in that same old hole on that same street I've been clear of for so long now. I never want to go through that again no matter what happens in life. It's not worth the added pain and suffering.

My life and those things I spend my time on are a whole lot different then where I was a bit over 6 months ago. I'm laying in bed processing the past and what I'll do today. I'm on call at work but don't think I'll work. If I am off, gonna hit the gym, watch the Mariner's game, brain storm money making ideas outside of work and play some guitar. 

2 days ago I ran 15 1/2 miles as I prepare for the Rock n Roll Marathon here in Seattle, WA on June 18th, 2016. It's a tough process and at times I can't see the end result. I mean running a half marathon kicks my ass but I have faith that I will be able to conquer this and in the end, the physical effort will pay off with a mental victory. This is a huge thing for me. My life has changed so much and most things I do are to better my future and add positive vibes to my life. Having the run in the background helps me default. If other things run awry, I can focus at the task at hand and do something healthy and try something different. 

Smoking and drinking was a waste of money for me. It was a waste of days, life and breathe for me. I put myself through the ringer daily in order to keep doing the things I didn't want to do and in the end I just felt tired, guilty and alone. I was the boy who cried wolf over and over again with nothing to show in life. It was a sad existence stuck in the limbo of addiction. 

I have empathy for myself though. We are only humans. We are emotional. We love. We hate. We try our best. We need time to compute. We can only do so much daily. Addiction is a tough place to be. I was there for a 20 year period of my life, and know that all that I'm learning from being free is building a new foundation of core beliefs and high standards to live by daily. I am translating the fight into a way of life. Life isn't easy and addiction becomes a crutch and our closest friend when we feel all else around us may be crumbling. When we are heart broken or lose someone special. The addiction is always there to say "hey, lean on me. I have your back and I'll always be here for you thick and thin." 

That's why it's so damn hard to part at first. At a certain point though, enough truly is enough and you know you never need to go back. When nothing is changing and you've gone over the same information a million times and the truth still hits the same, you know it's time to only look forward and put words into action. We all have to learn at our own pace and can only change when we want to and truly desire to. 

I'm glad I got out of addiction. I know smoking will always be the same nicotine trap. I know it'll never be different and that's why I've made a personal promise that through anything. Through the simplest of problems to the biggest, I pledge and promise to always remain smoke and drink free no matter what I may face!

Adam
manifest your greatness

187 Dyz...Here To Learn

 I may sound emotional about this stuff, but it's because I care and I truly want to help others....... I wake up and pray. I eat and I pray. I go to sleep and I pray. I am not a religious person but a spiritual person. Being thankful and awake is what finally helped me quit. I stay thankful every day for the fact I am smoke free and drink free. Any time I feel I am being complacent or slipping, I take a deep breathe and I focus on the positive and the truth. I believe more and more every day that I can conquer any thing the fuck I want. 

I spent 10 plus years trying to quit and an 18 year period smoking...and boozing. Sooner or later you have to say yes or no. My message isn't about God but it's a message about finding your why....finding meaning in life...believing in yourself...doing not saying....staying true to your word....helping others....helping ourselves. I am still new to all of this so I am learning, but all this isn't about the cigarettes, it's about building a foundation where who we are, what we love, what we fight for, what we live for is more important than the instrument we used to use to hide from our pain, to hurt ourselves, to feel less than, to be destructive, to live in shame or regret. It doesn't matter whether it's cigarettes, nicotine or sugar. If it is being use to harm is negatively, it is a problem. 

Smoking is this place in our heads where we can put life on pause but after a while we realize all the time that is being wasted on something that isn't important. I wasted so much of my time just even in the fight of trying to quit I never want to go back. It's not easy, but you have to find or reconnect with what you love. It's time to live a different life. The life we always dreamed of for ourselves. It's not easy, but it is all there for us. Fuck everyone else. Fuck the people that pop up to say something isn't possible. 

When I first finally quit things 6 months ago, I came across a lot of people saying what I was doing wasn't possible. That I was going to fail because I did so many times before. Their is a certain point where something changes in our minds. We know we can't go back. We realize that this is it, that things are gonna change. You need to start focusing on how important that is. Keep it in the foreground of your life and mind. Think about what is truly important. It is a lot simpler than we make it out to be. 

6 Months Smober!

 

Today was my 6 month milestone!! No nicotine or alcohol the whole time! Played in the sun and worked all day. Forgot to post something. I was waiting and waiting for this day...and now it's over and I forgot to pay attention. Isn't that the way it goes haha! 

Thanks so much to all my friends in real life and all my online support. Sounds cliche but couldn't do it without knowing you all are here and always ready to help each other. Have a great night and a beautiful day tomorrow. Been a solid 80 degrees the last few days here in Seattle! Such nice weather! Adam

176 Dyz...RIP Nate Johnston

Almost at 6 months smoke and drink free and one of my best friends has passed away. He died from a Heroin overdose. It's hard to know what to say about it but it has hit me really hard. I've been having tons of mood swings and moments where I can feel my mind confused and not believing that I am awake and that this is reality. It's got me confused, but in the end I know the reality. A close friend has died way too young and from a drug overdose. 

I can't write enough to explain how much I care for the guy and it's sad to see him leave this earth. It's sad to know he's not breathing and that he'll never play a guitar again, or wake up again or eat a cheeseburger again. It's just weird and I don't quite know how to deal with it, but I know things will go on and that I'll be ok...and that also some day I'll die. I really hope not any time soon. I have too much life to still live. Nate had way too much life still left to live. 

All the emotions seem cliche. All the things I'm saying sound like everything we've heard before from people in the stages of loss. I've felt angry at him, at the universe, at the doc's that prescribed him opiates to deal with pain from a recent surgery, when he had been 6 months clean. In the end all I can think is that we all are trying to find peace, and maybe Nate couldn't find peace on earth. He is too special and too amazing for this earth. It didn't have enough to offer him, but he had plenty to offer us. 

I feel stronger than ever in my quits. This hasn't made me want to smoke or drink. It's made me want to work even harder towards a healthy and clear minded lifestyle. I'm so glad my little brother Brent got off heroin and is moving on clean. He made a great recovery with a good job, payed all his debts and we are closer than ever! 

Such a good friend is gone and it's gonna take some time to feel normal again, but I'll never get over the loss. He is like a brother to me and that will never change!

I dedicate my 6 month quit to Nate and all those people still stuck in the shame spiral of addiction. I know what it's like and it's hell. We all have our demons and our angels if you want to put it that way. I can't judge anyone. This teaches me to never judge anyone. I will leave that up to god or whatever force is in control of this chaos called life. 

Adam

157 Dyz

Here's a random quote for the quit. Sometimes we hit patches of fear as we go into uncharted territory. Instead of hiding behind a cloud of smoke, we have to face theses things to know who we are becoming and where we want to see ourselves!

Going for an 11 mile run today with a friend around Lake Union and out to the Ballard Locks here in Seattle, WA! I got a co-worker interested in running again and now we are inspiring each other!

As we go along in our quits, we find ourselves in different places, with people who we usually wouldn't have been, and all in a new and positive way!

Have a great day and KTQ friends!

Adam