Day #12...Happy Halloween!

I'm trying to heed this quote. Work has been slow and I've been sick. I want to use the time to relax, reflect and keep my quit in order and not have stress. My mind though, has been slipping into worry about money and what to do. I know I can only do what I am doing at the moment. I'm also wishing I was getting into shape, but can't work out because I've been sick. I did go for a walk today through Carkeek Park and that felt good. 

I don't know. Now is the time for me to just keep making one small step at a time, and to not be in any rush. also feel behind on my music, and all my smoking, relapse, addiction and the shame spiral involved keeps me from reaching my goals. 

So instead, I see this all as a time to reflect, and to gain strength and know what I want to put my energy in to. I want to be more financially sound. Money isn't too important to me, but it's nice not to have to think about it and with no drinking or smoking, that in itself will help me out. With all the time I save from not being hung over and/or binge smoking and feeling gross I can be working on my music on my free time. I also have more motivation to work and save money and stick around and work if someone else doesn't want to. 

I'm also looking into side things I can do to make money by just buying and selling shit on ebay. My dad has made a living doing that for about 8 years. I will only do it part time, but I think I'll do it just for something else for money, to keep myself busy and to be more self-supportive and capable. 

Anyways, worry only wastes time. It comes and goes and it's there for a reason, but I want to turn my worry into positive reactions, instead of negative smoking out of self-pity and over drinking to combat the fact I'm smoking and doing the one thing I don't want to ever do again. 

I'm thankful to be smoke free and drink free. I'm thankful for all the insight I am finding along the way. I'm thankful for this chance to be changing my life daily. I'm thankful for knowing what I want out of life and what will propel me forward to make the vision I have for myself a reality!

Adam
D12
Happy Halloween

Day #11...short and sweet...

I did not smoke. I did not drink. Through whatever happened in the day, I did what was necessary to keep the quit and to keep moving forward. Work was slow but didn't spend any money on booze or smokes so that helps a lot. I'm a bit worried about money but I know I'll set things right over time. I've still been a bit sick which has kept me from working out and makes me a bit anxious, but I also see it as an opportunity to reflect and take things slow. Everything in its own time!

KTFQ

Adam
D11

Day #10...Action, NOT Words

Going to sleep early because I hope to feel better tomorrow. 

So far I've faced multiple people, here at the Q, and in 3D land saying I won't succeed and make this my final quit. 

I don't blame them. It's my fault. I've been relapsing in a period of 10 years and everyone has seen it. That's part of the plague that becomes you as a serial quitter. You try and believe, and others don't because what you've shown and then you just give in saying "it's not possible. It doesn't have to be this way anymore though. 

The only way we can show that is by action, not by words. Just give me some time dangit! This is one day at a time and I'm not giving up on myself anymore. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
early morning menu tasting and then came back and slept. Off to work. I’m sleeping off some kind of slight sickness I have. A minor lung infection and flu symptoms but feels like it may be going away soon.

Made it past day 10!!! I’ve been facing a lot of people not believing in my success and I realize that is my old reality that I made, that I’m having to face and beat all the odds. I’ve been relapsing for years and that’s what everyone in my life is used to, so they are used to responding to me in a certain way.

I’m not here to prove anyone wrong, but I know the only way I can keep my head out of the junky gutter and moving forward is by action, not by words…or at least putting my words into action.

Anyways, wanted to message you, let you know what I’ve noticed and learned.

I will not smoke or drink no matter what comes my way today and if I have a trouble moment, I will slow down and reach out on the Quitnet first thing!!!

KTQ

Adam

D10

Day #9...The Past May Haunt You/Shed Your Old Skin

I've been working very hard this time around. Posting daily, reaching out for support, praying multiple times daily, exercise, no wrong crowd, no late nights, no drinking...all that has really been helping.

Every night I have had a smoking dream where I wake up thinking I had broke my quit. It's so sad and it's a place I no longer want to be. My desire for a smoke free and beautiful life is way stronger than any desire to smoke. I was in such a repetitive state, it's still happening in my dreams.

My past actions are haunting me. I've relapsed so much, disappointed myself and others so much. It's made other people not trust me and feel like their support has been wasted and is frivolous. I turned into the boy who cried wolf every time I opened my mouth and it's gonna take some time to shake all that off and to be seen different as someone who is committed and determined. I am all these things and I aim to prove it to myself. 

I get posts from other people saying they don't trust this is my last quit and that they hope it truly is or it's all wasted breathe. They are right in saying that because I haven't displayed anything that resembles commitment. The only way to show different is by action alone, not words. I know I am on a different path and that this is my final quit, but it's still not always easy but my desire to keep the quit is stronger than the desire to smoke and I won't stop!! I don't want to feel that way, I don't want you to feel that way. I don't want to feel the let down of myself or others anymore. It's really one day even one moment at a time.

I don't need to convince anyone else I'm on the right path, I know I'm on the right path and only need to prove that to myself and to god. I don't know how religious I am, but I've been praying daily to be thankful for all I have in my life and to focus on those things that are important and offer love over those things that have been dragging me down for years on end into the same old hole and the same old street.

I am taking a different path and a different approach. I'm only at day 10, and am staying focused every day and am willing to learn and soak up any wisdom or lessons anyone has to offer.

Thanks for checking in. I will not throw away this quit. Nothing is holding me back from keeping my quit, but what has in the past is the thought that their isn't anything better out there for me. In other words, the old me has been busy feeling sorry for myself, all caught up in the drama that feels extreme all the time when you are in constant relapse. It has taken me a bit of faith and belief in myself that I can make my quit a reality, that I've dealt with what comes at me 1000 times before and now it's time to make it past the bullshit and embrace the person I am and have always strived to be.

Adam
9Dyz down

Day #8...Still in Bed!

I need to get out of bed but don't want to today. It's too comfortable and I like being here where I feel so content and happy to be smoke free and know that any simple thing I do without smoking is my life moving forward, on a different street and in the right direction. I'm starting to actually get a bit sick right now. Usually happens to me when I'm first quitting. I really want this more than anything else right now and I feel so happy every day and take the time to be thankful.

It's been 8 days down and I already feel like I have a different life. I feel I can take life at my own pace instead of always darting around in the addiction haze of relapse and life in limbo. Right now, on a day I work, I would just want it to be over because I most likely would be trying to quit on a day off. I actually work the rest of the week, so I'd just want the whole week to be over. 

How sad is that? To never be in the present moment and always looking to some moment that doesn't exist yet to find the answers. It just doesn't make sense and it gets you nowhere in life. 

I think I'm getting a bit sick from the fall weather, healing from quitting smoking and working out a bit too. It all may be a bit taxing on my weakened smoker/drinker's body. I know I'm healing though and just have to make it through this process. 

Time to join the day and run a few errands and vacuum the house before work. 

Cheers and have a good day!

Adam
8dyz down

Day #7...Do Not Avoid the Void

The main topic around day #7 that I am facing is the fact that us, as humans, over the years have learned to live and adapt by retreating from our feelings. We avoid the void. We can't help but scratch the itch when uncomfotable instead of live with it. 

That is the main thing I've used cigarettes for. When I was at the wedding and it was time to celebrate and dance, I'd find myself slipping away from the dance floor. I would feel uneasy, feel like I couldn't dance, that I was single, that someone would see me, make fun of me...blah, blah, blah feeling what's the point. These are almost childish thoughts I haven't gotten over all these years. When I felt uneasy, as my mind has been used to in the past, I would usually slip away, go outside and chain smoke, or drink more drink. 

Not this time. I found myself just doing a lap through the building and then come back and dance. Instead of just getting lost in the music, having fun, lost in myself and enjoying the time at hand, my mind was preoccupied with thoughts that I wasn't good enough. This is the ego. The ego triggers these thoughts and I've been relying on my ego for way too long.  I know it'll always be there, but I want less of it's influence in my life. I wanted to just be there, having fun, staying in the present moment, no judgement, be yourself. 

Smoking helped make the void bigger, because it was an escape that never helped me face any of the damaging thoughts that I had and it validated the lies that it was making about myself by taking me away from life around me and building a bubble where I felt I couldn't do this or be a part of that thing. 

I'm thankful to have been quit for a week, and facing the void more often. It feels tough at first but I know with practice and diligence that I'll be able to sit with the void, not avoid it, not scratch the itch...and when I keep practicing this, I can live without fear, I can accept myself and my imperfections and be more content with life around me, balance, effort and not have a reason to hide away or feel uncomfortable. 

Such a good feeling to start to understand this insight. I'm thankful to be smoke free. Thankful for this lesson. Thankful to be able to start this day without the addiction controlling me and hiding me from the things in life I want to be a part of and those things I need to face to keep propelling forward!

Adam
D7
END OF HELL WEEK

Day #6...Empowered against Fear!

If you feed negativity, that's what you'll get back from the universe. If you feed beauty and thankfulness, you'll see it and greet it in all things as you go through the day. Beautiful things and feelings can happen when you empower who you are and what you want to attract. I've been quit almost a week and have already had some pretty amazing experiences to be proud of. These moments, every little moment I am free from my addiction and the baggage that goes with it, I am protecting my quit and building a stronger foundation. A foundation shaped like a mountain where every piece is built up, and move and roll like boulders to find their natural fit in this stable structure. 

Every time I take a step away from addiction and the behaviors that take me down the old path, the same old path riddled with holes and quick sand...I am finding the positive things that I love that fit into place. I always knew they would. Whether it is music, pray, meditation, healthy eating, jogging, working out, writing, drawing, DIY projects....they all offer love and meaning to my life no matter how simple or complicated. 

I am thankful to be on day #6 and already feeling so many benefits, especially on a spiritual level. It is that connection with myself, nature, friends, family and god that I know I have wanted that has been missing, or at least on the back burner to my smoking addiction and the shame spiral it puts me in. 

I have pledged to make this a smoke and drink free day, and so it shall be no matter what I may face along the way! It's not easy, but it is doable and I have no more excuses. I have so many amazing ways to find and get support any time of the day. NO MORE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF. 

ALL THESE WORDS INTO ACTION!!

Finally feel I am on my true path and I know I have to stay steadfast daily and use all my methods that add up to my plan as much as needed, no matter where or what time of day.

Pray
Quitnet
Exercise
Rest
Privacy
Friendship
Love
Reading
Writing
Music......

KTQ!!

Adam
D6

Day #5...Stand Alone in Victory

This was me today! I felt alone in my efforts but found support at the Quitnet Forum. I Had multiple people trying to get me to go smoke tonight at one of my best friend's wedding. On day 5 here and I told these people to go away, that I wasn't smoking and that I wouldn't go outside DAMMIT! Get the fuck outta here haha!! 

It was a tough moment. I saw myself doing it and I knew I had to get away and distract myself. I've invested too much already in just a few days and made it through too many important battles already. I can't just throw my quit in the trash like garbage. I am too invested and I have others invested in my endeavors too. NO MORE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF!!!

It helped not drinking and I'm glad to be going to sleep sober and ready for tomorrow. Gonna return the tux, get a workout and then head to work. I've been picking up extra shifts to keep busy and to help may off some bills and get back on top of my money situation. 

Just needed to type and get this day done and over with. I'm proud of my buddy for getting married. He's been working hard and gets to relax now in Fiji and New Zealand. 

I'm so thankful and proud of myself. Happy to be home smoke free. Thankful for the early chance to stay strong and conquer a big moment in the quit so early. 

bed time

Adam
D5
KTFQ

Acceptance ~RP~

 Becoming OK with discomfort solves all problems of procrastination, anger, anxiety, regret, fear and facing the things you think are bigger than you. It also helps deeply with getting through cravings and on to the other side of addiction. 

BECOME OK WITH DISCOMFORT. Face it, invite it and embrace it daily!

Adam
D4
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Comments on Cravings

From Robert1 on 5/5/2001 8:08:23 PM

Good day friends.

Here are some comments on cravings from my experience. I hope they may help someone.

For the first few months of my quit, I white knuckled it and fought the cravings tooth and nail. However the demon is strong and patient - over time I found that I was wearing down and my quit was in jeopardy. I was afraid I would cave in. My prayers were answered and I was shown a new recovery tool - ACCEPTANCE.

I was told that I should accept the cravings rather than fight them. Let them wash over me and know that they will pass because cravings always do. Well once I started accepting my cravings, they lost their power over me and I knew that I was now on the road to recovery. My experience is that the cravings become weaker and farther apart over time. Mine just faded away and I haven't had a real craving to smoke for a long time.

A craving is a sign that the addiction is in trouble and is fighting for its life. Cravings are really signs of healing and recovery, even though it doesn't feel that way.

Refusing to accept cravings is what I did when I smoked. Between cigarettes I would go in to withdrawals, the craving would come and I would smoke because I would not accept it. If I accept the craving, I don't have to smoke.

Cravings always pass whether I smoke or not.

Nobody in the history of the world has ever died from a craving.

Ever since I quit smoking I have heard the stories about people craving after many years. Well that has not been my experience. I suffered lots of emotional ups and downs and horrendous cravings - but that has all gone by now and I am feeling great. I have not had a craving to smoke for a long time.

I recommend that we do not compare our quit to that of others because we are all somewhat diferent. Some of us recover quickly and others more slowly. The bottom line is that WE ALL DO RECOVER - Just so long as we don't take that first puff.

Your friend in recovery

Bob (aka Robert1)

Smoked forty years

Quit April 25, 1999

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters ~Portia Nelson~

listened to Wayne Dyer and his 10 tips to success in life.

His #9 was "Walk Down Another Street"

He had become friends with the woman who wrote the poem 'Autobiography in 5 short chapters'. Her name is Portia Nelson and she is actually from Seattle, where I'm from.

His #10 tip was "Don't die with your music still inside you"

This is a subject I've been thinking a lot about lately. I know I still have so much to share but my life feels it is being wasted in this limbo of addiction. It is truly time to take that other street and I know I am on it

I am honestly so touched by these things and these teachings. I feel like the universe is speaking to me and showing me the road map to my future. It's so cool to see how profound this poem is to Wayne, to my friend Cara who showed it to me and that it's what she's been trying to get through to me.

It's all coming together.

Adam

D4
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Autobiography In Five Short Chapters"

by Portia Nelson

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in,

I am lost, I am helpless,

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find my way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place.

But it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it there.

I still fall in; it’s a habit.

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It’s my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Quitting smoking,

living smoke-free, and 

recovering from nicotine addiction 

involve walking down another street.

Day #4...don't die with your music inside you

I had my friend's uncle talk to me about music and pursuing it tonight at the wedding dress rehearsal, and here you are talking about it and saying I need to dive right in, what am I waiting for!! I've also been watching and reading a lot of Wayne Dyer stuff and he says over and over "do not die with your music still inside of you". 

I know that's figurative, but for me it truly is music....I will delve into my music. I will stay busy and do those things that are important to me. You are right. I agree with me having too much time on my hands to focus on all the rush of emotions that comes out the gate. I know that this rush is happening, I know it's part of the process and then I use it as an excuse to feel sorry for myself and in the end I usually relapse. Not usually....every time I end up in relapse.

I have to do things differently and get active in my smoke-free life and not wallow in all the shit that comes rushing in. I focus too much on those things that get me to relapse, and then guess what....I relapse. 

MUSIC
NATURE
SPIRIT
SERVICE
EXERCISE
HEALTH
PRAYER
MEDITATION
IMAGINATION
POSITIVITY
LOVE
FAMILY 
FRIENDS...........

This is where my focus shall be

Adam
D4

Day #3...Hell and Back

This is how I will see today. I have my quit started, and made it through a tough day and on to the next. Today is a day about other people. I am going to my buddie's dress rehearsal and dinner for his wedding in 2 days on Saturday. I know quitting smoking will set in motion a series of new paths and events. I know I will find myself in different places and on interesting journeys that I would not have embarked on if I was still smoking. NOPE

I am not going to let what other people say get to me or put me down when I made it through a tough day and I didn't smoke. I feel proud of myself and have made it through one tough battle and onto the next day with a little help from my friends. It doesn't matter how big or small the "excuse", they all lead to relapse. 

I did it by using my "plan" and getting the support I needed to keep me in the present and away from the thoughts that the junky has used multiple times before to break down my will and get me to smoke. I'm not trying to spark "drama", I'm trying to get to the root of the problem and put out the fire. By getting help, I was able to identify what sparked my cravings and extinguish them and stay in the moment. 

In the end I know it comes down to "you don't smoke, no matter what", but I still had a real life crave episode and had to do something about it to diffuse the bomb and keep myself from throwing my quit away like meaningless trash, because that's how I have been treating it for years. Day is just beginning so I'll be back to type more!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Made it home from the wedding rehearsal. I didn't smoke I didn't drink. I didn't completely feel myself and I got a bit quiet, but I was happy to be staying strong with my plan. 

I got home and was having big cravings and my habit of relapsing was trying to get me to relapse but I got the support I needed inside and out and here I am. 

Tomorrow I pick up my tux for Travis's Wedding on Saturday, gonna get a workout and the head to work. Gotta stay busy and keep moving forward. 

Adam
D3

Day #2...Write a New Script

Had to reach out for big time support today. It was one of the toughest days craving wise I've ever had but that's almost what pushed me through the day. I think the big trigger was going back to work and having down time there. I usually get really bored, wishing I wasn't there or at least that I was making money. I'd then go smoke outside out of boredom. I had to yell out loud in my car that I wouldn't smoke on my way home from work, and that I wouldn't throw my quit and treat it like garbage.

When things started to get really tough, I had to post on the Quitnet Forum. I don't think I had another way to make it through that moment. The junky heard a song that was pretty emotional, which made me emotional and then I wanted to smoke. The junky said "You're going to get emotional and smoke sooner or later, so might as well now!"

I know that seems like a small thought. Someone didn't die, I didn't get my heart broken....but it doesn't matter how big or small, the junky will try to get you to smoke in any way, form or fashion it can. It doesn't matter how, relapse always hurts the same. It only has one job to do, and that is to get you to smoke using whatever method may work or has been proven to work. This method of "you'll get emotional and just smoke sooner or later" has worked a thousand different times. Tonight I get to go to sleep saying IT DID NOT WORK!

I re-wrote the script. I contacted support and yelled out loud saying I would not smoke, and I stood up for myself! One moment, one victory at a time with a plan in place when going into different moments throughout the day! Now I get to write this positive blog post instead of off somewhere chain smoking and feeling like I can't make that change I've been wanting for years on end.

I am thankful to be smoke free today and am proud of myself knowing I get to wake up smoke free tomorrow and not dreading the day, wishing I had the guts to take control of my life and make that change!

Adam
D2

Day #1...Rebuilding My Life

...This is how I feel today. I've been going through all the sludge over and over again. I feel I've hit rock bottom once again, but need to see it as my foundation. Things can only get better from here by me staying on my true and personal path. Relapse has been the same streets, same brainwashing and not moving on. 

I started my quit at 1pm today. I'm happy about it but feeling the crave, withdrawal right now and especially the anger of all this addiction has taken from me. It's taken a lot of my pride, self confidence, trust, belief, money, health, time and love for myself. I've seen it as my "through thick and thin" over the years, but it is suffocating me and keeping me from the life I love and want to be a part of. Time to let it go like a bad relationship. Their are always residuals, but day by day things get better and better, and you start to naturally think about it less.

Addiction is always being controlled and having to think about it. Always feeling crazy like I have a problem. My problem is that I'm a nicotine addict and I connect it to all my emotions, and I have to break the chains that bind one moment at a time.

I'm thankful that I am going to bed smoke free and look forward to a successful day tomorrow! One day at a time!

Adam
D1