I've been working very hard this time around. Posting daily, reaching out for support, praying multiple times daily, exercise, no wrong crowd, no late nights, no drinking...all that has really been helping.
Every night I have had a smoking dream where I wake up thinking I had broke my quit. It's so sad and it's a place I no longer want to be. My desire for a smoke free and beautiful life is way stronger than any desire to smoke. I was in such a repetitive state, it's still happening in my dreams.
My past actions are haunting me. I've relapsed so much, disappointed myself and others so much. It's made other people not trust me and feel like their support has been wasted and is frivolous. I turned into the boy who cried wolf every time I opened my mouth and it's gonna take some time to shake all that off and to be seen different as someone who is committed and determined. I am all these things and I aim to prove it to myself.
I get posts from other people saying they don't trust this is my last quit and that they hope it truly is or it's all wasted breathe. They are right in saying that because I haven't displayed anything that resembles commitment. The only way to show different is by action alone, not words. I know I am on a different path and that this is my final quit, but it's still not always easy but my desire to keep the quit is stronger than the desire to smoke and I won't stop!! I don't want to feel that way, I don't want you to feel that way. I don't want to feel the let down of myself or others anymore. It's really one day even one moment at a time.
I don't need to convince anyone else I'm on the right path, I know I'm on the right path and only need to prove that to myself and to god. I don't know how religious I am, but I've been praying daily to be thankful for all I have in my life and to focus on those things that are important and offer love over those things that have been dragging me down for years on end into the same old hole and the same old street.
I am taking a different path and a different approach. I'm only at day 10, and am staying focused every day and am willing to learn and soak up any wisdom or lessons anyone has to offer.
Thanks for checking in. I will not throw away this quit. Nothing is holding me back from keeping my quit, but what has in the past is the thought that their isn't anything better out there for me. In other words, the old me has been busy feeling sorry for myself, all caught up in the drama that feels extreme all the time when you are in constant relapse. It has taken me a bit of faith and belief in myself that I can make my quit a reality, that I've dealt with what comes at me 1000 times before and now it's time to make it past the bullshit and embrace the person I am and have always strived to be.
Adam
9Dyz down
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