Day #7...Do Not Avoid the Void

The main topic around day #7 that I am facing is the fact that us, as humans, over the years have learned to live and adapt by retreating from our feelings. We avoid the void. We can't help but scratch the itch when uncomfotable instead of live with it. 

That is the main thing I've used cigarettes for. When I was at the wedding and it was time to celebrate and dance, I'd find myself slipping away from the dance floor. I would feel uneasy, feel like I couldn't dance, that I was single, that someone would see me, make fun of me...blah, blah, blah feeling what's the point. These are almost childish thoughts I haven't gotten over all these years. When I felt uneasy, as my mind has been used to in the past, I would usually slip away, go outside and chain smoke, or drink more drink. 

Not this time. I found myself just doing a lap through the building and then come back and dance. Instead of just getting lost in the music, having fun, lost in myself and enjoying the time at hand, my mind was preoccupied with thoughts that I wasn't good enough. This is the ego. The ego triggers these thoughts and I've been relying on my ego for way too long.  I know it'll always be there, but I want less of it's influence in my life. I wanted to just be there, having fun, staying in the present moment, no judgement, be yourself. 

Smoking helped make the void bigger, because it was an escape that never helped me face any of the damaging thoughts that I had and it validated the lies that it was making about myself by taking me away from life around me and building a bubble where I felt I couldn't do this or be a part of that thing. 

I'm thankful to have been quit for a week, and facing the void more often. It feels tough at first but I know with practice and diligence that I'll be able to sit with the void, not avoid it, not scratch the itch...and when I keep practicing this, I can live without fear, I can accept myself and my imperfections and be more content with life around me, balance, effort and not have a reason to hide away or feel uncomfortable. 

Such a good feeling to start to understand this insight. I'm thankful to be smoke free. Thankful for this lesson. Thankful to be able to start this day without the addiction controlling me and hiding me from the things in life I want to be a part of and those things I need to face to keep propelling forward!

Adam
D7
END OF HELL WEEK