103 dyz...HONESTY

I'm gonna be honest. My quit is a serious thing for me. It does feel like life or death. It does feel like good or bad. It does feel like all or nothing. I relapsed for over 10 years wishing I could be ok with that grey area and I just fucking couldn't. I couldn't just settle for 2nd best or a life where I didn't become the best that I could with what I had. I just had to follow through and prove to myself that I could quit for good and that I couldn't just give the fuck up and be a passive person. 

I felt like I was in HELL when smoking and in relapse towards the end. I couldn't stop thinking about it until I started my FINAL QUIT on October, 20th, 2015 @ 1pm. Every day I have stayed on the ball. I pray every morning I wake up. I pray every time I have a meal. I pray every time I go to sleep. When I feel myself slipping, I pray again, take deep breathes, get support...I do what it takes to stay smoke free. I just know how much I don't want to go back to the black shadows of addiction and hating myself over it. 

I am not a part of any one religion about all of this but being more spiritually in tune is the one thing that moves me. Being connected to my spirit and whatever or whoever god is, is the closest I get within myself to feeling a power that is unexplainable and greater than my ego. It's the closest I get to understanding life and my purpose here, and that gives me a reason every day to keep trying and to keep  seeking wisdom on where I need to be and what I need to accomplish to become a greater man and to try and spread some positivity when only darkness sometimes seems to dwell.

I struggle with wanting to drink, but I went through years of hell with trying to quit smoking for good. Alcohol always brought my quits to an end. It always brought me depression. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust alcohol, or myself drinking alcohol again if I want to stay true to myself. It's sounds serious, because it is. It became serious after years on end of failing over and over and over again.

The pain and suffering. The self hate. The regret. Feeling less than. Feeling there is no hope or that my true self can never be explored, loved or understood.  I can never do the exploring numbed and hidden from my true self.

I'm a very sensitive person. I want all people, all beings to feel love. I feel empathy for everyone because through our lives, we all have pain. We all have things that make us hurt and I don't want that for anyone. I do understand that it makes us stronger though. That we learn from mistakes and we learn how to deal with and let go of suffering. My next big step is to keep having more compassion for human nature and to keep trying to bring out the light in others. I would never want to force it upon others but I've noticed that truly the more I give, I get more in return to see a positive influence and an understanding of the importance of love, forgiveness and acceptance.

I don't know where my life is heading right now, but I know it's gonna be a lot different than the last 33 years. My soul is trying to understand what is most important while on earth. I guess I'm trying to cut the fat and get to what truly matters. what is the meaning of all this. The closest I have so far is health, spirit, god, love, nature, family, friends, music, art, empathy, compassion, helping others, being kind to everyone.....especially yourself. 

I don't know why quitting smoking and drinking has been such a tough thing and why it's opened up so many wounds, but I know I was doing it to numb it all. Towards the end I just knew that it's not what I wanted and that something needed to change in order for me to write the next chapter of my life. 

I struggle daily. I ride ups and downs, but no matter what, being sober and smober is way more rewarding than relapse 1,000,000 fold. I know I'm rambling but I've had a lot of anger lately again and I feel a natural tendency to need to expel what I'm thinking. I'm not going to stop seeking what will fulfill the need that is driving me forward. My current work is not enough. I belong somewhere else, but I understand the steps of life and the patience that follows. I know I can use my imagination to see where I'm going and what I'm going to become before it actually happens. My mind is already made up and I'm living in the present and only looking forward. 

I feel I'm on the right path and I need to remind myself that I've put forth a lot of amazing work. I know I've already helped influence others and I want to keep doing it in a humble way. I don't have all the answers, but I feel I have a calling that is coming to fruition every day I take another step in the right direction and keep praying, and keep working and keep searching and keep running and keep healing and keep resting and keep playing music and keep going to therapy and keep getting support and keep giving support and keep loving others and keep loving myself and keep eating healthy and keep creating art and keep using my imagination and keep smiling and keep keeping the dream alive in reality!

Adam

"I'll quit in January" ~Repost

I'll quit in January...

From Jersey1 on 12/11/2006 7:42:58 PM

*********************************************

I'll quit in JANUARY; a brand new year. 

No holiday stresses, I'll be in the clear.

But January comes and what happens then? 

The bills all arrive! I need help from my "friend."

I'll smoke this one pack, it will help me get through. 

(But hey, in February, it'll be a new you!)

February arrives, time to set the new date. 

I'm ready to quit now – this habit I hate.

A few days go by, but alas, what is this? 

Valentine’s Day and no one to kiss?

I hate this damn month, it’s snow and its ice.

I’m lonely, I’m cold – boy a smoke would be nice.

So March comes along, I can surely quit now! 

I go buy all the patches my wallet allows.

I’m armed with my lozenges, fireballs and gum,

I’m chewing on Twizzlers and sucking my thumb.

But crap! I can’t do this. What am I thinking?

It’s St. Patrick’s Day – it’s time to go drinking!

And where there is alcohol and fun smoking friends

Is there in the tavern – and there my quit ends.

But hey here comes April! A new spring, a new start!

It’s now warming up, I feel strength in my heart.

I’m all set to quit now, got the patches back out,

Slap one on my booty – my resolve I don’t doubt.

Oh no, what has happened – it can’t possibly be!

The first warm day’s here, it’s 73!

My co-workers are meeting for drinks in the sun

And yes, once again, Nicodemon has won.

So May seems more likely, I’ll quit before summer.

I’ll work out for my bathing suit 

(feeling fat’s such a bummer).

Damn. I forgot that vacation I planned -

Margaritas are flowing, my toes in the sand.

You know that there’s one thing that would SO hit the spot –

Just a few little ciggies (I like them a lot).

Well June has arrived, and this time I mean it.

I’m sick of addiction; I’m ready to beat it.

I’ve been coughing so much, and my throat’s scratchy-dry.

Everyone asks if I’m sick (“yes” I lie).

Oh no – a phone call that all people dread.

A close family member who’s been sick is now dead.

Go to the funeral, everyone’s weeping,

I light up the cigarette I’ve kept for safe keeping.

I’m far too upset to think about quitting;

I’ll get to that next month (all things permitting).

July comes along with picnics and fun

And lots of Coronas, outside in the sun.

And everyone likes a good smoke in the eve

While you gaze at the stars and enjoy the warm breeze.

Well better enjoy it – this summer’s the last

Since I’m quitting for autumn, once summer has past.

(All August long I inhale the fumes

Smoke as much as I can as September’s quit looms.)

Here comes September! I’m totally ready.

My head’s in the game; I’m stable, I’m steady.

I pull out the patches that remained from the Spring

Won’t buy a new box yet (I’m on a shoe string).

I’ll invest in new patches once I’ve shown I can quit

Not wasting MY money ‘till I’m sure this one sticks!

Back to the Twizzlers, back to the gum,

Back on the Q, my mind’s getting numb.

Withdrawing again, seems the 10th time this year,

Why did I do this?!? I need a beer.

But I fight that urge and I really behave;

I’ve earned my 3 days now, I’m really amazed!

Oh hell, I’m hitting a tailgate on Sunday.

I’ll just have a few and then re-quit on Monday.

Well here comes October, autumn winds blowing,

Winds whip through the leaves, the air smells like it’s snowing.

Or so my friends tell me – I can’t smell a thing.

My nose has been stuffy – wow – since the spring!

Who cares about that, I’ll be just fine.

(Since when have I been someone who would whine?)

As for my quit, that’s not going so well

I mean who wants to live with that kind of hell?

I’ve decided that December 1st is my date.

Why? I want Thanksgiving to be great.

I want to enjoy a long smoke after turkey

Plus I’m entertaining – I need to be perky.

OK it’s December, the month of the quit.

I just don’t think I can put up with this $hit.

The holidays are coming, anxiety is high!

They're closing the books at the office – oh my!

Need a few more sales, put in extra hours,

Can’t focus on me right now, don’t have the power.

I need extra cash, Mom’s being a pain,

Cooking, parties and shopping, I need my brain!

Can’t afford to be sluggish, or grumpy, or tired,

I’ll ruin Christmas! I might just get fired!

So I’m thinking of New Year’s as the perfect date –

I’ll start the year fresh in a good mental state!

So there went the year – time passes so quickly…

Just realized I’m beginning to feel kinda sickly.

Remember this tale when you put off your quit

It never gets easier – you just have to DO IT!

*******************************************

Jersey

100 dyz...Elder's Lodge

I love this quote above. At first I thought it was ego driven, but then I realized how motivating it is. That we have a choice on how we decide to change our lives and believe ourselves to be whatever we want to be even before it has happened. 

That is such a powerful anecdote to apply to our lives to never give up and always believe in ourselves even when in darkness. Even when completely alone. Even when there is no success to be found. Our mind is our driving force. It is up to us to find the light and lift ourselves out of the darkness and on to the correct path. There is always a choice. 
 

At the Quitnet forum they call you and Elder at 100 days smoke free. Elder Adam. Sounds like a mormon missonary haha! So thankful to be smoke free and alcohol free one day at a time. It's a great way to get to know yourself.

I still have to stay diligent every day. I see my mind try to go soft and that's when I pick up the pace and get support. My toughest time has bee Sunday nights. That's the end of the work week and when I used to let loose and get wasted and smoke like crazy knowing I had a few days off.

Now I see Sundays as a gift, knowing I am free to do whatever the heck I want without feeling like a slave to the nicodemon! Obviously I know the nicodemon isn't some outside force. We control our quits, we have the power!

Have a great day!

Adam

95dyz...didn't come this far....

Went to a garage rock show (Ty Segall and the Muggers) with some buddies last night. No drinks or smokes. my friends were proud of me and one guy said “I envy you, I want to do that”. Feels good to connect with people on that level.

It was still a bit of a mental struggle though. Went home a bit early and ate some garbage food. Better than smoking or drinking I guess but felt like I used it as a replacement and don’t really want to do that. Anyways, had a smoking dream and felt bad about it today and slept in. While in the shower after a jog I realized that instead of smoking in the dream, I thought twice and didn’t smoke and woke in nervousness before anything happened.

Anyways, just thought I’d mention it. Nearing 100 days again and that’s crazy, but I don’t want this to be the end of the line. 

"I didn't come this far to only come this far"! 

I’m not going back to smoking and I think my head is realizing that I can do it and want to be free and even in my dreams I don’t want to smoke or have the baggage that goes along with it. It would defeat the purpose…it would defeat my life’s purpose!

adam
D95

94dyz...always an answer

Today I'm just thankful to be smoke free and putting one foot in front of the other. Spent too much time in relapse-land. 

I have changed my mind about what I "thought" smoking had to offer. It offered nothing but pain and suffering and wasted time. It all starts with a mindset that we are tired of the same thing over and over again with the same results, self-imposed slavery. 

Don't give up or give in. There is always an answer. 

That is what the quit will teach you.

Adam

3 months Quit...No Man's Ocean

No Man's Ocean: 

When we first quit, it is like leaving the shore line with a vast ocean ahead of us. We board our quit boat and set off on our journey not sure of what's ahead. Fear is looming but we know we have to leave to start fresh. It's tough to go and seek new lands and new possibilities in life. At first we want to return because we can still see the shore and all that we left behind. 

The cigs were our so called "friends" staring and calling back at us from shore. But we know they only offer negativity and bad health. If we go back, we know nothing will change and our efforts will be for not. We will have given up on our voyage, never giving ourselves the chance to see what we are capable of and where we could end up. 

The fear can come and try to sweep us back to shore. To me it's more like no man's ocean than no man's land, and the cravings are the waves beating at us over and over again...but if we get out far enough, we make it past the breakers and find we aren't alone. 

Others have found their own private Islands, and built new homes and new foundations. The waters are calmer and our friends help us find our own way, help us find new sources for survival. They lead us to our own secret lands where anything is possible. We have the chance to start new and explore life's possibilities with a new found freedom that staying on shore could never offer. 

I feel I have been in no man's ocean, but I know I am arriving at my destination. It doesn't happen over night. The natural journey of our quit builds the foundation of our new lives, our new homes on our own private Islands. We stand amongst all the people that gave a damn while we were gritting through the ups and downs of our recovery. 

We must stay resilient and see this thing through. We must live in the future every day. We must have faith and believe that we will reach our destination before we are there. Use your imagination and keep seeing what you are not now but what you will become! That's the only way to get off the shore of addiction and on the island of freedom. 
 
Adam

Day #90...milestones can be tough

Muhammad Ali's Birthday!

heading to sleep but needed to post. I'm hitting the milepost of 3 months down and soon 100 days and I'm craving per say.

What I mean is I've been wanting to have a drink here and there, but that's been the big thing that leads me back to smoking. I'm not addicted to drinking but I do feel that alcohol causes problems and depression for me personally and I am now seeing my little brother deal with it too. I also feel the pull to drink is to numb emotions I don't want to be feeling...so that's not good, and would most likely lead me back to smoking.

Because of all this I quit it at the same time as cigs, not knowing whether I'd go back or not. It honestly feels like a trick that would lead to full blown alcohol and nicotine relapse. I can't do it. I have to keep moving forward. Milestones mess with my head sometimes.

Sorry to rant and I feel I'm always talking about myself but I try and balance it with helping others. Sleep well and talk to you all soon!

Adam

Day #88...divine will fill the void

Quitting is one day at a time. Life in general is one day at a time, and it's humbling to come to terms with that. It's hard sometimes, but we can only do so much, especially after feeling so much time has been wasted doing things we don't want to be doing. We all have our issues and things that hold us back.

All I know is I have big goals, dreams and aspirations. For some reason smoking and the negative mentality I was stuck in was never going to get me there. At least I know now that I have a chance.

KTQ, never give up, never give in to those things that offer no love! 

Adam

Day #87...thankful again

I feel so thankful to be where I'm at and I feel thankful to help others who are starting their journeys. Quitting smoking is a beautiful thing. We learn so much about ourselves, learn we have others out there willing to help and who have felt what we are feeling no matter where we are in the process. 

I never thought quitting smoking (and alcohol) would be this beneficial, but it really has. Every day I realize how important it is to be on the path we are meant to follow. Doors open to things we never thought were possible! Keep the quit and have a great day! 

Today I passed on my work out to spend a bit of time helping on the Q and I'm going to go have lunch with a friend before work. I've been trying to help him through a rough patch. It has been helping me stay the course and to see what's possible with my new focuses in life. It feels so good not to be tied down by addiction because it really kept me from everything. It gave me tunnel vision and I couldn't even think of helping someone else when I felt I couldn't even help myself. 

Then off to work for me. Picked up a shift to make some more money since I spent some extra finishing off my recording desk. So excited for my new project of recording an album before the year's end!

Cheers to all and do what it takes to Keep the Quit!

Adam

Day #85...What I do instead

When the going gets tough and I feel that old twitch, the red flags go up! The first thing I do is post at the Quitnet and talk and get feedback. You gotta slow things down and get back to reality. Life can work you up sometimes, get you stressed out and make you feel sorry for yourself. When that happens, take a deep breathe and focus on what is important and that is keeping your quit!

Then maybe I'll go for a walk, or a work out or play the guitar or read about the quit. So many things to do, even take a nap, do the dishes....just live life and do something positive instead of negative! I'm so tired of the negative baggage and energy sucking lifestyle of a smoker. That'll never be me again and I've made the commitment to never go back no matter what I may face in life. I won't do that to myself again. 

I'm not religious but I find myself praying often too to be thankful for the life I have and the efforts I'm putting into it! I think this is the most important connection I've found and have had with myself and with the life I am striving for. A more balanced life where I take action and am a part of it and get rewarded by what I put into it twice fold or more! 


It all comes from what works for us. You'll find what works for you and what makes this journey yours. It's a beautiful thing and so exciting. All the ups and downs, all the things you'll discover you are capable of doing are endless and our way beyond your usual boundaries. Never stop exploring and embrace the quit. Once you commit, then providence moves too!

Time to make something of this day! I am thankful to be smoke and drink free! I made it that way! Have a great day

Adam

80 Dayz Smoke Free!

80 days down my friends! Not a drip of alcohol, not a dose of nicotine. I've been through a lot of things in the past 2 1/2 months, and still have a lot of things to do for the first time since free. Lots of times I've wanted to just give up and give in to what feels like some kind of universal junky voice that just wants me to throw it all away saying "you're not good enough Adam, you're just going to give in sooner or later so why waste your time?"...but fuck that! You know how many times I gave into that voice with not a damn thing to show? I'm sick of giving in and not knowing what it would feel like if I just took one more step, waited one more moment, took one more deep breathe, prayed one more time, took one extra glance, just got to sleep early, just reached out for a helping hand etc. 

Since I quit on October 20th, 2015 I've been through a short lived relationship. When that ended she cut off all contact with me. I recently had a friend tell me to stop contacting him without any reason why. I've seen close people dealing with death or terminal illness. I've had bad days at work. I've been sick 4 different times usually with a lung infection. I've had a lot of head issues from having ear problems and adjusting to the healing process. I've had emotional ups and downs and people telling me I can't do this. Hell! I've told myself I can't do this many times!! I've had money issues from getting in debt. I've been separated from my music in this process of healing and feeling vulnerable and trying to reach some sort of "normal".  etc. etc. etc.

I don't know why I'm listing these things other than to show what all can happen in a short period of time. A lot of things are out of our control. Whether we smoke or not shit is going to happen and it's up to us to be a better person, stick to our guns and keep kicking ass. It's up to us to find new methods of how to deal with things as they arise without punishing ourselves with destructive habits that don't reflect love for ourselves and diminish the amazing people that we all are.

I've exhausted my resources when it comes to addiction. I have no more patience or time for addiction. I have too much unfinished business to hold on to addiction any longer. Too many songs to sing. Too many people to love. Too many mountains to climb. Too many miles to run. Too many questions to answer. Too many memories to make! 

Honestly, even today my mind glanced at the idea of smoking and drinking when I found out my friend truly does seem to want to part ways with me for reasons unknown to me. Where would that leave me though? It would just make me feel worse about myself and get me more pissed off at my old friend. I'm leaving it be. It's not my issue, it's out of my hands and I won't let it bring me down. 

The short lived relationship I was in with the lady was bringing me down. It wasn't on purpose from anyone, but I came first and my quit came first. That is the new high standard I hold myself too. I won't let anyone treat me bad especially if it's putting me in a position where I want to blow my quit. That is a red flag right there and I won't go there for anyone or anything!!!

I haven't written here in about 6 days. I've been sick recently...again! I just want to feel better so I can function at the level I want to be but one step at a time! I'm thankful for my quit. I am thankful to be loving myself and putting myself first. So happy to be at 80 days and I look forward to more success and to strengthen my spirit, music, art, health, body, mind, family, friends, emotions, be in nature and be a part of my environment in the new year of 2016!

I will keep my quit as my #1 priority and I will never settle for less!!

Adam
see you at the top!

DAY 74...NEW YEAR'S DAY!

HAPPY NEW YEARS! 

I'm making it okay to make mistakes this year. I know the more I fail, the closer I get to success. There is one thing I will not fail at! Smoking will not be a mistake I make this year! In fact I don't even see smoking as a mistake, because it is a choice. I will choose not to smoke this new and beautiful year! I have already learned from serial quitting what failure is with smoking. I don't need to reiterate that ever again. 
 
I've been through so much shit the last 2 1/2 months there is now way I want to go back through all that. I get thrown off that others are still relapsing, but I know I have to keep my guard up and connected at all times.

I know how horrible relapse is and how much better it is to be free. I'm still working every day towards this and not listening to the excuses but it has been a tough fight sometimes more emotionally because of all the relapse and suffering I went through.

Anyways, glad it's a new year. I've been struggling with the fact I'm quitting drinking, especially on a night like new year. Feel I couldn't let loose with everyone but I know I can't drink and had an NA beer and that held me over a bit. That's why I signed up for extra work.

My New Years resolutions are to become more spiritually connected with myself and surroundings, get my music up and running and fully active, be in nature as much as possible and get a hold on my money situation.

I hope you have a few things in mind though I know some people don't see it different as any other day. With my new quit I see it as an opportunity to celebrate and keep moving forward.

Any moment smoke free is a moment to celebrate! Cheers to a NEW SMOKE FREE YEAR!

Adam
D74