Days I Just Want to Die (RP)

 So much in this repost struck a deep chord with me. In these early days I have been angry at the smallest of things, thinking I have been deprived of the one thing I found happiness in. I have been holding on to that thought that "things get better", and still have to. I know anything that tries to get me to smoke is a lie from the junky. I have found myself on the floor crying deep in the guilt, fear and shame of not feeling able to escape from this addiction. Such an honest and true post of what it's like going through quitting, and how I trust things will get better, and I'll look back in disbelief at the thoughts that have controlled and brainwashed me into believing that smoking does something for me. SMOKING DOES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BUT KEEP YOUR ADDICTION ALIVE AND ADDS ONE BIG PROBLEM THAT CASTS A SHADOW OVER ALL OTHER "REAL LIFE" PROBLEMS.

Adam
3weeks

(Repost)=================================================

Days I just wanted to Die
From: Melissa777_-Gold (Original Message) Sent: 7/14/2003 9:34 PM

Hi

I was laying in bed this am thinking about life in general.
I do that a lot now because there is no rush to get up and get a fix.

I thought about a lot of things and just before I got up it dawned on me that smoking was not one of my first thoughts as a matter of fact it only came to mind when I was thinking about all the really bad stuff I have been through in life.

There were days early in my quit that I just wanted to die.
Death seemed a better option then what I was feeling trying to quit.

I remember being on the bathroom floor crying so hard I was gagging (smoking related) I never gag anymore. Why the Bathroom floor you may ask, I have no earthly idea.

I mean it could have just as easily been the bed or a chair, but I was just losing it and nothing I did or said was making much sense.

My husband got on his knees and said "what can I do to help"? I used words he was not accustomed to hearing from me and told him I needed to smoke and that I couldn't do it. I repeated over and over "I just cannot do this". I didn't realize until much later that while I was saying I just cannot do this... I was doing it! I was getting through what ever life threw my way. It wasn't necessarily the best way I can think of to handle emotions, but I was new to it at the time and did the best I could.

I was new to not smoking when things got hard and putting aside what ever the problem was until I smoked two or three.

Simple everyday life things came at me when I first quit and I felt overwhelmed. I mean my car needed work and they actually wanted me to wait while they fixed it! I couldn't see doing that ...didn't they know I couldn't smoke while I waited? that I didn't know how to wait and not smoke?
It felt like the world would end that day.

It didn't though, I got something to drink and looked around at things I didn't notice much before like the beauty of the sky, the trees flowing in the wind, Flowers in bloom, birds chirping. I guess that was all clouded before by all that smoke I so blindly sat in thinking I had it all together.

I look back on all of it and there were 100's of times I said
"I cannot do this"
100's of times I said"I am just going to smoke this too hard"
100's of times I said this isn't the right time and got in my car to go buy a pack.
AND 100's of times I got through each temptation each so called crave some I really believe were just thoughts.
100's of times I got out of the car realizing that smoking was not the answer and that I already had everything I needed inside me to deal with life and in my house in my husband and children.

I hated the fact hat I had even tried to quit because now people expected me not to smoke.
They looked forward to a healthier me. My logic was if I had not tried to quit I could still smoke with out letting anyone down. I hated my own Quit I hated that I had ever tried to quit at all! I believed I was in prison and smokers were free.

I began to think dying from lung cancer would be better then feeling as bad a s I was. How utterly stupid! SO Pathetic! I am embarrassed to say I thought that way. That thinking now makes me laugh and cringe too, I cannot believe I thought that way and actually tried to make logical arguments out of junkie thinking. I actually got mad when anyone said my arguments made no sense.
I no longer have those kinds of thoughts at all.

I resented people in my life enjoying anything. I would see my husband sit down and act like he enjoyed drinking his coffee and I would just steam inside, because I didn't feel I had anything left to enjoy. He Wanted me to stay quit, but he could sit there doing all the same things he had always done while I had top relearn everything. I just resented it, because at the time there was nothing I enjoyed I even hated eating because I didn't know what to do with myself after I was done. Now I just feel full like everyone else when I am done eating and I am not looking for anything else to do. The act of eating for me now is complete when the meal is done. seems simple enough and the way it was always meant to be.

I hated waking up because it meant doing things different then I could ever remember doing. I actually ate breakfast instead of smoking for my morning meal. I hated soda because I associated that with smoking.

It seemed all the things that once made me happy I now disliked. I hurt inside daily for a while like someone had died... I mean down to my soul deep, deep, pain. I had no clue who I was now or how to live my life. I mean I cried! For Me crying was rare. It took something like death or serious illness of a loved one to make me shed a tear before. I was not a sensitive type of female at all. Here I was now crying if someone looked at me wrong. I felt silly too, I felt like I must look funny doing this instead of smoking. I thought smoking made me look cool like I was deep in thought even when I wasn't. I thought it masked pain so I just appeared unshaken to whom ever was around.

I found out later that most of family saw me as not very strong at all because I needed that crutch to deal with everything even shopping. I also found out that my pain was never masked they saw right through it all.

I was never this cool tough girl I had created in my own head to them just and addict who smoked to deal with life and they saw long before I did that it never solved anything.

It was horrible at times and really hard to do, the hardest thing I have ever done in fact. At the same time it is by far one of the biggest, best, and most important accomplishments in my life.

I love soda, and all other foods probably to much now, more than I ever did smoking. I am no longer resentful toward other people because they are enjoying things in life, because I am enjoying those things with them.

Waking up is only hard for me now when I didn't get enough sleep. I do not wake up feeling like anything is missing.

I am no longer plagued with thoughts of smoking, not smoking, how hard it is or isn't, anything else smoking related. My days are just normal days now.

I get through my day and smoking doesn't cross my mind.
Neither does the fact that I am not smoking.
I just live life the same way everyone else does.

I am not saying that smoking or the fact that I used to do it doesn't enter my mind. I wouldn't be here today if it didn't. But it crosses my mind in a very different way now. I want others to know it can be done no matter how hard and impossible it seems at first. I think about all the help I got here and want to give back. I have regrets now, but it is not that I quit.. It is that I ever started. I also hope I didn't do irreversible damage.those are my thoughts now.

I know I never needed it. I know life is livable, enjoyable, and doable without them. My life is better! I am serious. I am not just saying that, it is real. Just how much better I feel physically alone is worth every minute I suffered in the beginning. Not to mention all the other benefits. If you stick it out, you will be here listing all the ways your life has improved just hoping someone will believe what you say so that they also stick it out.

I could have given in, but had I done that, I would never know the comfort I know now, the health, the happiness and the peace. There is an elation that comes with no longer being a prisoner to something that is killing you. If I had given in I would still be smoking my life away believing freedom is unobtainable and continuing to poison myself until early death came my way.

Stick it out! It gets better! As bad as it gets trying to quit, being terminally ill would be much worse.
Tobacco companies have had enough of your money, they are filthy rich while they rob you of not only your money but your health and ultimately your life. Use your lungs for breathing air the way they were meant to be used and watch and see how much better life will get.

Smoking is something I no longer choose to do. It no longer has a hold on me. I am no longer it's prisoner. I am not consumed by thoughts of it. I believed what was said here "IT GETS BETTER" I hung on to those words, fought through it, and you know what they were right. So much better! It is only better because I stuck it out and never took another puff! Days of just wanting to die are now over I have peace and want to live a long life and watch my kid grow.

I hope this helps anyone here struggling. I was blessed enough with the People here helping see light in total darkness and lies in my head and I just want to help where I can now that I am in the light of truth.

Melissa