A Message to End Suffering

We should try to be thankful every day we "get to" be here on earth. I've said it before. I'm not too religious, but I've learned to do a "thankful" prayer at the beginning and end of each day.

Come to think of it, I do it when I eat, when I feel emotionally elated, when I feel inspired or sad. I do it when a friend is in need or when I am feeling empathy for all the pain I went through with my addictions.

It's really helped me be in the "now", and to think of all the positive things life has to offer over all the negative that constantly can riddle our brains.

I'm not here to push prayer onto anyone. I'm here to push compassion, thankfulness and learning to close the door on those things that offer us no love. I'm here to help everyone find what they need to do to be free from what ails us. This was the message from those who blazed the trail before me. This is the message of self-love, self-worth and self-peace.

This is a message to help end suffering

Adam

13 Months/Seattle Marathon/Album Realease

Smoke free for 13 months! Here's 2 things I wouldn't have done if I was still binge smoking and drinking: 

I will be running my 2nd Marathon (Seattle Marathon) on Sunday! I also am releasing my first album finally on Thanksgiving! 

Here's the cover art to it! 

Have a great Turkey Day everyone, especially if it's "cold turkey"! 

Adam

"Do Not Disturb! Brilliant Minds at Work!"

I don’t know why but this man (Wayne Dyer) speaks to me so well. I’m sure he connects with a lot of people and that is why he made it to where he did in his lifetime. It was great to read this as I settled in to bed. 

I haven’t had too many telling me not to follow certain goals. I think those voices for me have more been in my own head. I am learning how to hang a “Do Not Disturb! Brilliant Mind at Work!” sign on the door of my mind for those thoughts that try to distract or keep me from my dreams and aspirations.

Adam

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If you want to find a deeper meaning in your life, you won’t find it in the opinions or the beliefs that have been handed to you. Rather than trying to be what everyone else expects you to be, live your life by your own rules to be happy and find inner peace.

Your imagination is your own fertile field for growing any seedlings that you choose to plant for a future harvest.

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You may have been told that you have always been a dreamer, as if this were a fault. I can speak here from experience. Family, friends, teachers, and even advisors frequently disparaged ideas that burned brightly in my imagination. I often heard comments such as, “Wayne, you’re such a dreamer. Get real. You are never going to make it as a writer, or a television performer, or a movie personality. Be realistic—we know what’s best for you.”

When I was being discharged from the Navy at the age of 22, my superiors warned me that starting college at my “advanced age” was loaded with uncertainty, particularly since I had no higher education experience, and I would be competing with younger recent high school graduates. Since I already had a skill as a cryptographer in the Navy, they advised me to pursue what they felt was best for me. But I had a dream—an imagination filled with the idea of teaching, writing, and speaking to large audiences. I saw myself onstage. I saw myself as a prominent author. And this vision could not and would not be sabotaged by someone else’s vision of what I should or could become.

As a young boy in a foster home, I almost always ignored other people’s ideas about what I should be thinking or doing—I simply was indifferent to their opinions regarding what I could imagine for myself. I have carried this kind of inner discipline regarding my own imagination with clarity, refusing to allow external opinions to cancel or diminish what for me was hallowed ground.

Many years later, I was advised that acting in a movie was not sensible for me as a 68-year-old man with no acting experience. I once again remembered to hang the DO NOT DISTURB sign at the entrance to my imagination, and proceeded to take acting lessons and adopt the self-enforced regimen that allowed me to create a movie. It is a product that fills me with pride—all because I have diligently practiced the following rule:

Never, and I mean never, allow anyone else’s ideas of who you can or can’t become sully your dream or pollute your imagination. This is your territory, and a KEEP OUT sign is a great thing to erect at all entrances to your imagination.

Stay in a state of grace and gratitude for this resplendent gift that is always yours to do with as you choose.

— Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

1 YEAR MILESTONE

WOW! I feel this is the milestone I've been waiting for! Nicotine and Alcohol free for a full year! Now it's time to keep on moving forward and keep healing! One day at a time! I was first to pledge at Quitnet on my special day!

;) Thanks for all the help here at the Q and beyond!

Adam

11 Months of Freedom!

11 months is the longest I've made it smoke free, and definitely the longest I've gone alcohol free. I had an 11 month quit in 2004/2005 that I threw away when I felt everything was up against me. This is my final quit! No going back...no reason to throw it all away. Excuses are like buttholes....you no the rest! 

Thanks to all my friends out there working and doing this thing in action, not just words. That used to be my problem. I'd talk the talk, but never walk the walk. No more shuffling my feet! Onward and upward. Any day smoke free is a day of progress! 

(photo from my recent backpacking trip! Me jumping off the rocks into Lake Vivian in the Enchantments in WA) 

Adam

10 Months of the Smober Life!!

The main healthy choices I've made is that I run on a constant basis and my diet has been better for the most part. When I was binging on booze and smokes I also didn't care what else went in my body.

10 months sober and smober. Seems like I finally have woken from the nightmare of addiction that was replaying like Groundhog's Day for years! It was like I was watching the same movie over and over again, with the same results every time I relapsed. The guilt and shame would rush in.

One of the greatest gifts is not having to feel that let down over and over and over anymore. I don't have to feel like a bad person ever again! I still work at it and stay on guard every day. I pray for strength and love for myself and others.

Thanks to everyone here. I love to help others and the help I've gotten is priceless! Love you guys and keep the quit!

Adam
any day smoke free is a day of progress!

303 dyz...Troutnut Repost

(My response to Troutnut's Post):

The universe is right and real in its connection. I have walked the same path and you have helped me dearly in putting down the bottle and the sickarettes. I'm tearing up right now in happy revelation that their are others out there that know what it's like. Those who have felt that same tug of war. I'm so thankful for your amazing words and I am one of your biggest fans. In the end I didn't go the AA route, but I did go to Nicotine Anonymous (though not on my last and final quit). I learned what it means to surrender, and to pray and to take it day by day. This place means the world to us and I'm always happy to have this refuge even if just knowing you all are here when I can't make it. You touched me deeply today and wanted to let you know how much I care and that we are out here. 

Adam 
any day smoke free is a day of progress
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Finally, it got nasty. Really nasty. I had known for a very long time that I had crossed it. Both with my smoking and my drinking. I remember knowing for at least ten years. I don't remember when it was that I crossed it exactly, and it certainly wasn't marked very well. You would think something that important, that life and death, would be marked more clearly and carefully. People could get seriously hurt not knowing. But eventually, I got it. I knew. Even though it was invisible, I could see it. And I was over. WAY over! What I thought were just a couple of bad habits turned out to be far worse when I took the cute little words and colorful sugar coating off of them. The medical and psychiatric field labeled my smoking and drinking as concurrent chronic multiple terminal diseases. Holy cow! Obviously now, I could see it was kind of serious. Far more serious than a few little vices and bad habits. This was a race to see which could kill me first. Alcohol or tobacco? A true dead heat! 

So I finally admitted, to my innermost self, that I had crossed the invisible line. And that it was killing me. That much was clear. And I knew that I had to do something about it Immediately. So TODAY, that was the day. But I didn't want to tell anyone about it. I didn't want to break any promises. And I definitely wanted to do it on my own! That much was clear. Nobody could know. And then after I had done it, THEN I could tell people about it. Just in case I didn't make it, you know? I didn't want to disappoint anyone again.

 But how would I go about it? That was the question. I just needed to figure that out. But my brain was pretty muddled with 30 years of drinking and smoking. So I figured out I better just have a drink and a cigarette first, just so my mind would function you know. Next thing I was passed out, or blacked out. And I had postponed it again. It was like the movie "Groundhog Day", only with beer, wine, hard liquor, and sickarettes. 

And so it went. The AA Big Book said "Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death." Ditto with sickarettes. Insanity X 2. 

 Several years later, I stood that those gates. Utterly defeated. I dragged myself to an AA meeting on 11/23/1998. I finally surrendered. A couple of years later I used what I had learned in AA to quit smoking on 2/28/2001. And that worked too. Quit-net was instrumental in my recovery and I stick around to share what I have learned, and bring hope to those who have crossed the line like I did. 

I don't know who this message is for today. Every so often I get a message from the universe that there is someone else like me out there. Someone who is on the verge of figuring this out. And re-creating themselves as I needed to. To the best possible version of themselves from the worst possible version. A metamorphous! I know this will be hard to believe, but millions of us now know it is the truth. You don't have to be a drug addict or a boozer to fit in and be cool. The new cool is being healthy, sober, and drug free. Even Hollywood stars are figuring it out. You don't ever need to make yourself sick with drugs or alcohol again if you don't want to. Reality is very cool. 

If you are home alone trying to figure this out like I did, then you are home alone with, and taking advice from, a drug addict. My experience has been that does not not usually work out too well. But here we have access to hundreds of good folks that have found their way out of the cave. And they can show you precisely how they got out. If you can just bring yourself to listen. If you are anything like me in these regards, your life probably depends on getting this right. Give it your all! Ask for help. Yell and scream for help if you have to. 

Your friend in Montana, 
Troutnut1 (dennis)

300 days....A message to my quit friends

Quitting smoking or alcohol or any addiction is 1 day, one moment at a time. It's all we have. I quit smoking and had to quit drinking also. That sort of was the key for me. Life is completely different, with a different focus every day. 

Stick around. Always reach out for help, even when you think you know you're gonna relapse. Post and get help first. I've had a couple moments where I convinced myself completely I was gonna smoke. Even had the cig in my hand....then I thought it all through, went back and got help, stayed the course. I never want to talk lightly about getting that close to smoking, believe me, It scared the shit out of me and I learned my lesson to love myself and to not let anything change that.

Every victory is so damn worth it. Cigs are bullshit. They are a waste of life, we all know that. Time to focus on something different, something bigger. It's time to focus on the meaning of our lives and what we can do to make it better for ourselves and especially those around us!

Have a great day!

Adam

297 dyz...Help Others

Do something nice for somebody else today. That's my mission. Not just one person, but throughout the day. I've noticed I get all wrapped up in my own little world. Worrying about what this and that means, worrying about who cares, who doesn't care, worrying about who hurt me and have I tried hard enough....it's all just a mess and does nothing for me. I'm gonna put my energy into helping others today. Change my ways. 

Adam 
Any day smoke free is a day of progress

295 dyz...Out of the Shame Spiral

Haha girl problems got me down. I'm bigger than that! Ended one relationship to start dating a girl who has a boyfriend. Liked her a lot but had to end it because I felt bad for the guy and I was the dispensable one. It also sorta makes you feel less than yourself and I'm better than that.

Gonna get out for a jog and hang with a friend tonight. Gotta move on. Plenty of fish in the see, without all the baggage!

Come what may I pledge and promise to remain smoke and drink free today! Neither of these solve anything. They just keep you in what I have always called the shame spiral!

Sometimes you have to do the work and put yourself in a better mood knowing how great you are! KTQ

Snagged this quote from @Val C. Thanks Val!

Adam

290 dyz..different is who we are

Life feels so different today. Lots of things going on. Lots of things showing me who I truly am, especially since I escaped the clouds of addiction. It feels good to touch base with your real self and be proud of who you are and who you know you are becoming. 

When I smoked and drank I desired a different life, I desired to be a different person. I've found out I am not a different person, but who I was meant to be! 

 Have a great day my friends and KTQ 

Adam
any day smoke free is a day of progress!

282 dyz....What is your why?

What is your why? This sentence always reminds us to check in with ourselves and question what is important to us and why we do what we do!

Thought I should check in. Trying to get back in touch with myself lately. I've moved on now from the relationship I was in that was sort of bringing me down. Not easy to part because I cared for her. Really trying to dial down on the drama in my life...if that is possible haha! I'm somewhat dating like 3 different girls at the moment. I hope it's not just more trouble ;)

I had a great run today and am so thankful to be alive, to be nicotine and alcohol free! I'm still having some ear/tinnitus issues. I'm setting up a ear appointment soon. May not be able to ever get rid of the tinnitus, but can learn to cope and lessen the symptoms. I don't want to have to give up my running...just gotta take it a bit more easy.

Come what may I pledge and promise to remain smoke and drink free today! Have a great smoke free day my friends and hold your heads high!

Adam
Any day smoke free is a day of progress

252 Dyz...Post Rock N Roll Marathon...

Things are good. I'm still seeing that girl and things are delicate. She seems to be interested in making changes but it's also gonna take some time. Anything else and I'm gone for sure. 

 The marathon went well. I'm only nursing my knee which must've gotten a minor tear. So far just elyptical at gym, but will be running soon as I can. My buddy Brian owns a company called ProMotion that runs the Seattle Marathon in November. He can get me in for free, so I'm gonna do that one next and keep on runnin'! I won't have to train quite as hard now that I'm somewhat up to par. I'm in a place where my mind is thinking "what next?" 

I'm still interested in finding more meaning in my life so I'm still searching, still going to therapy, still praying and trying to stay spiritual and be positive. I feel I'm ready for a career change and it may be environmental work, nutrition, physical therapy or helping others in some way. I have an in through my brother to get into environmental work that could take me into many different areas. 

No drinks, no smokes for me! My mind lately has been wanting to allow me to have a beer here and there, but I know it's something that doesn't work for me with how emotional and sensitive I can be. For the month of July I am finally gonna do the Whole 30 diet. I really want to take some time to eat healthy and see how it effects my mood, my tinnitus and head issues, my running and just overall balance in life. 

I'm so thankful to be smoke and drink free. I'm so thankful I made it to where I am and feel I haven't even touched the tip of the iceberg on the things I want to conquer, the places I want to go, the people I want to be with and the things I want to see! I am so much more free day to day, moment to moment compared to when I felt like a slave only answering to my addictions and feeling less then I knew I was. Keep the quit and see you at the top!

Adam

241dyz....The Day Before

I’m pretty nervous. I have my Marathon early tomorrow morning as many may know. It’s a lot of miles lol. I did do 23 about 2 1/2 weeks ago so I should be fine. My bib has my Quitnet user name on it to remind me of all the hard work I've put into my quit and how far I've made it (and how far I've run lol!) My older brother who has run marathons before is gonna show up and run the last leg with me! Really emotional and excited about that! 

 I just don’t like my head issues (tinnitus) I have which do mess with my running and make me feel a bit wonky afterwards, but it will not stop me :(. 

This week I found my girlfriend, pretty much black out drunk behind her locked bedroom door with another dude she met at a bar. Luckily I caught them quick but if I hadn’t shown up you know what would’ve happened, and I’d still be in the dark. She has a definite alcohol problem and that is something I've been trying to get away from. I'm stepping away from her to heal and to stay on my true path. 

I listened to my intuition that has been stronger since sober and smober. I ask why couldn’t this have happened any week other than marathon week. I feel life is always trying to test me. Now I don’t see it as a reason to smoke and drink, but to propel myself forward, to strengthen my resolve and to keep building the person I love to be, and the example I want to shine for others. 

I love you guys and thanks for all the support. I will report back and hopefully have a few photos to show!! 

KTQ and have a good day everyone! 

Adam

D240...Trust Your Intuition

I've had an intuition that something was up with my girlfriend. I showed up at her place and found her in her bedroom with a dude. She had been drinking. I know she is an alcoholic. We had just got off the phone maybe an hour before with her out of the blue saying she loves me and that I need to trust her and that she wants to only be with me and that she wanted to be with me that night. 

I told her I was heading home but when she was done at the bar to call me. No call. I texted her goodnight and no response. That's when I decided to get up out of bed and sorta trace her steps. I just had a feeling something wasn't right.

I don't know what to say. I got to her house which she shares with others. Front door is always open and I've always been welcome at all times of the day. Her bedroom door was locked and I knocked. She asked who it was and I said "Adam, just wanted to see you and hang out a bit!". The room went silent and so I called her phone. It started ringing and then I said, "obviously your in there". She came out, dude on her bed in the shadows of the bedroom. She then went to the bathroom and said "I didn't even kiss him." 

Her roommates told me she had multiple dudes in and out before, but they didn't really know our relationship so thought maybe it was open so they didn't say anything. She's the one that is always saying she loves me, she wants only me, she wants my baby. I feel so hurt right now but so proud that I followed my gut intuition and decided to track her down. I spoke to her softly and was glad to get her to face what she was doing. It was very painful and I deserve so much better. It's just sad because I did love her and think she's amazing in many ways.

I want to get drunk and smoke right now pretty badly. I just want to feel sorry for myself and be mad at her. I will not smoke or drink though because it just adds another problem on top of this one and would make me feel like the next problem would do the same. I'm never going back to where I was before. I'm never smoking or drinking again. They both have nothing to offer me but pain and suffering and life offers too much of that in the first place. 

 Adam

D239...Marathon this Saturday

My marathon is this Saturday, June 18th, 2016! Don't have to run too much this week leading up to it. I've already done all the training. A bit nervous but ready to do this!

When I first signed up about a month into my quit, I put my Quitnet username on my racing bib. I will wear "AdamzfinalQ" across the finish line!

Getting emotional thinking about how far I've come. June 20th will be 8 months sober and smober for me!

Adam
D238

234 dyz....Money Issues...

Friends...I'm just stressed right now. Hating money right now! Help me back down to earth please.

Rent's going up!
Keep having to put money into my car!
Health Insurance going up!
Cell Phone going up!
Car Insurance going up!
Student loans...
Credit Card bills (my fault)

Job is not making me any more money than before. I make enough to take care of the bills but it makes me feel that stress that used to make me chain smoke and/or drink.

The one good thing is that I am no longer wasting money on smoking and drinking. I can also pick up shifts pretty much whenever I want to. I just need to put my nose to the grind stone and pay off the credit cards. It's hard not too get all emotionally wrapped up. Just needed to vent.

Have a great day y'all!

Adam

233 Dyz...Smoking Dreamz

Dang, I had a horribly intense dream that had convinced me that I had smoked. I felt I was ignoring Quitnet because I wasn't facing that I had relapsed. I even felt I had woken from the dream and that I truly had smoked. I think that's what actually freaked me out enough to wake my ass up.


The smoking nightmares have happened the last few days. I think queues in life remind my subconscious and it plays out in a dream. I am dating a girls that smokes and drinks. She doesn't always do it around me, but I still see it and smell it. It's weird that when I finally quit smoking and drinking, I start dating a girl that does both. The last 4 or 5 girls I've dated were non-smokers.
 
So thankful to be smoke and drink free and I will keep pressing forward. I'm not going back to that huge mess that gets us nowhere and makes us feel less than ourselves. When things like this happen I like to renew my vows and refocus. I will not "slip" back into old habits. I'm never going back to that personal hell of self-slavery and hate. 

Have a great smoke free day!

Adam

7 Months Smober

7 months today! I am very thankful to be alcohol and nicotine free. I still have a lot of work to do, but life is one day at a time. I spend my time thinking about those things that can better my life, instead of dwelling on regret, guilt, shame and self-hate. I have found there is an answer for everything in time. 

The main thing I don't miss is the constant battle of going back and forth between smoking and quitting. I did that for 10 plus years with 1000's of quits. I mean 1000's! I left a lot of things abandoned and abused in my wake. Quitting smoking is freedom from all the neglect and wasted days. 

Smoking offers nothing for me but pain and suffering and giving up on self. It feels good to free myself from that pattern, and peel back the onion that built around me for so many years. Thanks for all your support. Love you guys! 

Adam

208 Dyz..The Shift

Need to ramble a bit. Feeling alone. Having one of my rough nights. I won't be smoking or drinking, just feel I still need a shift in what I spend my time doing. This is when I used to binge drink, or smoke or relapse and feel sorry for myself. This is when I used to throw it all away if I wasn't already knee deep in all the bullshit. Now the most I do is eat ice cream bars and binge on Catfish tv show haha!

I've been focusing a lot on my marathon June 18th, but haven't been focusing on my music as much as I want to. When I think of my music, I think of wasted time. I think of wishing I hadn't wasted so much time. I think of my ear problems. All those thoughts ever do are make me hold on to negative shame. It keeps me from doing what I love and that's make music!

I need to take baby steps and record and work on my songs and projects. I have a decent job, decent money but it takes away from the time I want to be spending on formulating a career elsewhere and the things I love. That is life though right. Still gotta pay the bills.

Anyways, I just needed to process. Life is really good right now. I just need to keep track of my eating diet, do what I can with the running, work hard, play hard and start working on songs and recording them on my free time. 

It all is a lot easier than I make it out to be!

Adam

197 Dyz...prep for marathon

Quitting smoking and drinking is the best thing I have ever done for myself. It still doesn't mean I'm always happy about it, but when I truly rationalize and look at the situation...if I picture what smoking and/or drinking would truly do for me in that moment, it would only set me back and make me feel really down on myself. It would hurt me physically and make me sick, make me depressed and feel stuck in that same old hole on that same street I've been clear of for so long now. I never want to go through that again no matter what happens in life. It's not worth the added pain and suffering.

My life and those things I spend my time on are a whole lot different then where I was a bit over 6 months ago. I'm laying in bed processing the past and what I'll do today. I'm on call at work but don't think I'll work. If I am off, gonna hit the gym, watch the Mariner's game, brain storm money making ideas outside of work and play some guitar. 

2 days ago I ran 15 1/2 miles as I prepare for the Rock n Roll Marathon here in Seattle, WA on June 18th, 2016. It's a tough process and at times I can't see the end result. I mean running a half marathon kicks my ass but I have faith that I will be able to conquer this and in the end, the physical effort will pay off with a mental victory. This is a huge thing for me. My life has changed so much and most things I do are to better my future and add positive vibes to my life. Having the run in the background helps me default. If other things run awry, I can focus at the task at hand and do something healthy and try something different. 

Smoking and drinking was a waste of money for me. It was a waste of days, life and breathe for me. I put myself through the ringer daily in order to keep doing the things I didn't want to do and in the end I just felt tired, guilty and alone. I was the boy who cried wolf over and over again with nothing to show in life. It was a sad existence stuck in the limbo of addiction. 

I have empathy for myself though. We are only humans. We are emotional. We love. We hate. We try our best. We need time to compute. We can only do so much daily. Addiction is a tough place to be. I was there for a 20 year period of my life, and know that all that I'm learning from being free is building a new foundation of core beliefs and high standards to live by daily. I am translating the fight into a way of life. Life isn't easy and addiction becomes a crutch and our closest friend when we feel all else around us may be crumbling. When we are heart broken or lose someone special. The addiction is always there to say "hey, lean on me. I have your back and I'll always be here for you thick and thin." 

That's why it's so damn hard to part at first. At a certain point though, enough truly is enough and you know you never need to go back. When nothing is changing and you've gone over the same information a million times and the truth still hits the same, you know it's time to only look forward and put words into action. We all have to learn at our own pace and can only change when we want to and truly desire to. 

I'm glad I got out of addiction. I know smoking will always be the same nicotine trap. I know it'll never be different and that's why I've made a personal promise that through anything. Through the simplest of problems to the biggest, I pledge and promise to always remain smoke and drink free no matter what I may face!

Adam
manifest your greatness

187 Dyz...Here To Learn

 I may sound emotional about this stuff, but it's because I care and I truly want to help others....... I wake up and pray. I eat and I pray. I go to sleep and I pray. I am not a religious person but a spiritual person. Being thankful and awake is what finally helped me quit. I stay thankful every day for the fact I am smoke free and drink free. Any time I feel I am being complacent or slipping, I take a deep breathe and I focus on the positive and the truth. I believe more and more every day that I can conquer any thing the fuck I want. 

I spent 10 plus years trying to quit and an 18 year period smoking...and boozing. Sooner or later you have to say yes or no. My message isn't about God but it's a message about finding your why....finding meaning in life...believing in yourself...doing not saying....staying true to your word....helping others....helping ourselves. I am still new to all of this so I am learning, but all this isn't about the cigarettes, it's about building a foundation where who we are, what we love, what we fight for, what we live for is more important than the instrument we used to use to hide from our pain, to hurt ourselves, to feel less than, to be destructive, to live in shame or regret. It doesn't matter whether it's cigarettes, nicotine or sugar. If it is being use to harm is negatively, it is a problem. 

Smoking is this place in our heads where we can put life on pause but after a while we realize all the time that is being wasted on something that isn't important. I wasted so much of my time just even in the fight of trying to quit I never want to go back. It's not easy, but you have to find or reconnect with what you love. It's time to live a different life. The life we always dreamed of for ourselves. It's not easy, but it is all there for us. Fuck everyone else. Fuck the people that pop up to say something isn't possible. 

When I first finally quit things 6 months ago, I came across a lot of people saying what I was doing wasn't possible. That I was going to fail because I did so many times before. Their is a certain point where something changes in our minds. We know we can't go back. We realize that this is it, that things are gonna change. You need to start focusing on how important that is. Keep it in the foreground of your life and mind. Think about what is truly important. It is a lot simpler than we make it out to be. 

6 Months Smober!

 

Today was my 6 month milestone!! No nicotine or alcohol the whole time! Played in the sun and worked all day. Forgot to post something. I was waiting and waiting for this day...and now it's over and I forgot to pay attention. Isn't that the way it goes haha! 

Thanks so much to all my friends in real life and all my online support. Sounds cliche but couldn't do it without knowing you all are here and always ready to help each other. Have a great night and a beautiful day tomorrow. Been a solid 80 degrees the last few days here in Seattle! Such nice weather! Adam

176 Dyz...RIP Nate Johnston

Almost at 6 months smoke and drink free and one of my best friends has passed away. He died from a Heroin overdose. It's hard to know what to say about it but it has hit me really hard. I've been having tons of mood swings and moments where I can feel my mind confused and not believing that I am awake and that this is reality. It's got me confused, but in the end I know the reality. A close friend has died way too young and from a drug overdose. 

I can't write enough to explain how much I care for the guy and it's sad to see him leave this earth. It's sad to know he's not breathing and that he'll never play a guitar again, or wake up again or eat a cheeseburger again. It's just weird and I don't quite know how to deal with it, but I know things will go on and that I'll be ok...and that also some day I'll die. I really hope not any time soon. I have too much life to still live. Nate had way too much life still left to live. 

All the emotions seem cliche. All the things I'm saying sound like everything we've heard before from people in the stages of loss. I've felt angry at him, at the universe, at the doc's that prescribed him opiates to deal with pain from a recent surgery, when he had been 6 months clean. In the end all I can think is that we all are trying to find peace, and maybe Nate couldn't find peace on earth. He is too special and too amazing for this earth. It didn't have enough to offer him, but he had plenty to offer us. 

I feel stronger than ever in my quits. This hasn't made me want to smoke or drink. It's made me want to work even harder towards a healthy and clear minded lifestyle. I'm so glad my little brother Brent got off heroin and is moving on clean. He made a great recovery with a good job, payed all his debts and we are closer than ever! 

Such a good friend is gone and it's gonna take some time to feel normal again, but I'll never get over the loss. He is like a brother to me and that will never change!

I dedicate my 6 month quit to Nate and all those people still stuck in the shame spiral of addiction. I know what it's like and it's hell. We all have our demons and our angels if you want to put it that way. I can't judge anyone. This teaches me to never judge anyone. I will leave that up to god or whatever force is in control of this chaos called life. 

Adam

157 Dyz

Here's a random quote for the quit. Sometimes we hit patches of fear as we go into uncharted territory. Instead of hiding behind a cloud of smoke, we have to face theses things to know who we are becoming and where we want to see ourselves!

Going for an 11 mile run today with a friend around Lake Union and out to the Ballard Locks here in Seattle, WA! I got a co-worker interested in running again and now we are inspiring each other!

As we go along in our quits, we find ourselves in different places, with people who we usually wouldn't have been, and all in a new and positive way!

Have a great day and KTQ friends!

Adam

Day #156...If all else fails, return to nature!

If all else fails, return to nature. 

Get out for some fresh air!!! My Monday trip to the Big 4 Ice Caves really helped me battle the city blues and my long work week! Back to work today but the trip made it all better! 

Have a great day my friends and KTQ! 

Adam

154 Dayz...Learning to deal with stress

I made it out to the Big four Ice Caves with Travis today. It was an easy hike, the rain broke for us and it was very rewarding. I had a pretty busy work week but it felt good to be securing some money. On Sunday, last day of work week, I got off feeling fine but then went into another bit of a tail spin. 

 What I believed started happening was me feeling sorry for myself. I felt I had exerted so much energy helping others have a good time, I wanted someone to listen to my story and time to decompress and think about my week. I pretty much listened to Feven’s story though and I started feeling like no one cared to hear about my week. She was harmless, but I was stuck in my head and starting to feel I was getting grumpy. When I got home my roommate was in place on the couch. I also realized I had to get up early because Trav was picking me up for the Ice Cave trip.

I pretty much started feeling like I was doing all this shit for other people and I had no where to go and I felt lonely and unhappy. Didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere. Usually I would go to booze and smokes, but don’t have either of those. Now it’s tough sometimes for me to work through things and I need time but don’t always have it. Hanging with Feven I tried to leave 2 different times and I was having a hard time being my normal self. I was annoyed with her on different levels. I also started feeling we are in different places. She doesn’t work and is drinking and smoking. I stuck it through the night and met up with Trav the next morning. I had a great time with him exploring up in Granite Falls area at the Ice Caves. I was Hiking and taking photos and was so glad to have some time to get away once I was out there. When I came home I fell into a bit of a depression and had a food binge of sweets. I sent a text to Feven to see if we were good and she still hasn’t responded to me. It makes me feel bad and I’m afraid she spent the day drinking but that’s just my head feeling weird about things.

Anyways, I’m going through some shit. I want to be happy, healthy and having good times. For the most part I am, but it seems lately once a week I am getting depressed. I think It’s still from getting overwhelmed, feel like I’m not doing enough which in turn makes me feel not good enough and then I have to pull myself out of it because I don’t truly believe that. I know I’m good enough, I know I’m accomplishing a lot even in those lonely moments I don’t always think I feel the benefits.

I’m starting to look forward to working on my music and setting up my camping trips for the summer. I already quit the Sweet Dominiques, but I just see it as a step in the right direction to not second guess my music. I have some new gear and the gear to record my songs so I’m going to start chipping away on that as I prepare to play live. My friend who leads the Sweet Dominiques joined another band further along and he was trying to take two of my songs to use in the other band. I told him I didn’t write those for other people to use them. I also saw it as him giving me a salute to the power of my music and made me once again realize I need to own what I am capable of and share it with the world.

My friend Taylor won the lottery to hike the Enchantments in the September, so along with my road trip through Yellowstone on the way to a show at Red Rocks in August to see Lord Huron, it is already looking to be an amazing summer. I’m sure I will be taking a few other camping trips so I’m starting to check my gear and see what else I may need. I know I need some hiking pants that zip off into shorts and a new sleeping pad that is wider than the one I have. The one I have now isn’t wide enough for me and it feels like you are sleeping on the edge of a cliff all night that keeps you awake. Super annoying. May have a to drop a pretty penny, but it’ll be worth it for a good nights rest!

Ok. I feel I got most everything down. Needed to sort of vent. Hanging with Trav and letting myself just sleep at home really helped me take the load off and I feel ready to run errands and get a bit of a workout tomorrow without being too taxing. The work week starts the next day and I want plenty of down time to re-coop!

Adam
see you at the top!

5 months nic and alc free

This is the contract I wrote and signed the day I quit! It's on my wall and it is a great reminder that we have to remember why we quit and where we came from to get where we are today!



I had a really shitty few days towards the end of last week. I got all the way to the point where I had bought smokes, took one out of the pack and I had it in my mouth! When I was about to light it, the man from the bodega I bought them from came outside and lit up a cigarette. 



I hesitated and watched his actions. He let out a big puff and a sigh and I looked into the sunset. I remembered back to all the moments I had where I had lit up and wished I had a way out of the boredom and monotony of smoking. I could feel that stagnant notion where you feel burdened by the same old same old junky routine and wasted days over and over and over.

I started talking to the guy about how crazy of a car ride I had just taken through a storm and by then I had put the cigarette and lighter away. Before I had no doubt in my head I was gonna smoke and binge on alcohol, but I found myself coming back to reality. I took off in my car and gave the pack away and couldn't believe how close to the edge I had let myself get. 

I am so glad I didn't smoke. That has been my toughest moment yet. That was really scary. I'm really starting to slow my life down more and give myself to rest, eat healthy, work when need be and follow my hobbies. I was pushing myself too hard, and it was slowly turning into what felt like defeat, which led to me believing life was no better sober, which almost led me back to relapse. 

I have to remember to take a deep breathe, center myself and realize everything is going to be alright! It's time to take care of ourselves and to keep making progress, even if that means only a smoke free day lounging in sweat pants. That is still a day we didn't do the one thing that we don't want to do. It's still a day to feel accomplished

Have a great smoke free day friends!

Adam
150dyz

145 Days...Bad Day All Day

I don't want to smoke at all. Sounds gross and pointless, so it's not happening. I just want to feel sorry for myself and that's why I used to smoke and drink. To feel sorry for myself. 

I got off of work and just felt exhausted. Exhausted from working so hard at life in general and then feeling not good enough. I have head issues that can't be fixed. I have tinnitus. All I can really fix is my diet, but then I went and binged on sweets, fell asleep and woke with my head ringing and feeling way out of it and depressed. 

I feel alone right now and annoyed. I don't feel I can have my own private time at home except in my own room. I'm busy and gone all the time but my roommate is always sitting on the couch. All she does is work and then come home and sit on the couch. Tomorrow I am driving north to have practice with my band for the first time but the thought of it is exhausting. 

I don't feel ready, I'm out of practice and I feel I'm suppose to show up and wail on the guitar but I'm not ready. Anyways, I'm just frustrated about what feels like every little thing right now.

I'm trying to shake it. I don't want to give up and throw in the towel. Smoking wouldn't do a damn thing but make me feel gross and make things worse...I know that already. Just sort of need to ride it out and think of the positive and pray. 

Have a great night. Keep moving forward even if that means just being smoke free for another day!

Adam

140 Dyz Smober! (Hot Chocolate 15K)

An Adam Ramble. I'm here to say I won't give up.

I ran a 15K race today here in Seattle, WA. Something I wouldn't have done if still smoking and boozing. I ran with a co-worker and her boy. She said that I inspired her to start running again and that means a lot! I feel with being smober I am around more positive and influential people, and that's where I wanted to be. You never know the cool people that'll come out of the wood work when you change your life!

It's crazy to think I'm not going back to alcohol. I was just stopping to quit smoking, but now I'm more confident that I will live a sober life. Just not worth it. It was always my achille's heel. I could always find an excuse to smoke when drunk. Even being completely sober is hard sometimes, but I know if I was drinking....I'd be smoking. Simple as that!

Being sober isn't some magical pill that makes everything perfect. If anything, I've been having to face life and it's been harder then just numbing everything.

At a certain point you realize the numbing isn't doing anything for you and that you may have to go through some deep rooted emotions and pain in order to move on into a new and healthier chapter in life.

I have a lot of realities I'm having to face right now. A lot that I've been hiding from. I get waves of depression and feel I wasted too much time in addiction and relapse. As I face my issues, it creates a new me where I want to live healthier, try harder, be more present, help others more and be more connected and spiritual with the people and earth around me.

I'm learning a lot right now, and so much information is heading in and out of me. My schedule is so much more busy and I have to remember to always take time to relax and heal the mind, body and soul.

When things get tough I can always remember that as long as I don't take a puff on a cigarette, it doesn't matter what else I do in the day, because it's still a day of progress!

Sleep well and keep your quit safe!

Adam

126dyz...What it's like

I'm up late so I'll tell you what it's like. I may sound emotional about this stuff, but it's because I care and I truly want to help others.......

I wake up and I pray. I eat and I pray. I go to sleep and I pray. I am not a religious person but a spiritual person. Being thankful and awake is what finally helped me quit. 

I stay thankful every day for the fact I am smoke free and drink free. Any time I feel I am being complacent or slipping, I take a deep breathe and I focus on the positive and the truth. I believe more and more every day that I can conquer any thing the fuck I want. I spent 10 plus years trying to quit and an 18 year period smoking...and boozing. Sooner or later you have to say yes or no. 

My message isn't about God but it's a message about finding your why....finding meaning in life...believing in yourself...doing not saying....staying true to your word....helping others....helping ourselves. 

I am still new to all of this so I am learning, but all this isn't about the cigarettes, it's about building a foundation where who we are, what we love, what we fight for, what we live for is more important than the instrument we used to use to hide from our pain, to hurt ourselves, to feel less than, to be destructive, to live in shame or regret. 

It doesn't matter whether it's nicotine, heroin or sugar. If it is being used to harm us negatively, it offers no love and it is a problem. 

Alright. I said enough on my soap box. Have a great day and if you

Need any help let me know. 

Adam

125dyz...We are all in this together

Never met anyone in real life on this forum, but each day I feel I owe my freedom and a happier future to a few of them. I know in the end we owe our quits to our self-help, but connecting with others helps us know we aren't alone.

It's a pretty amazing thing we have here. We get support from people we don't even know. We pour our hearts out through these devices daily to help us stay on track and to feel understood through the ups and downs of addiction and healing.

Anonymity, celebrity, friendship, strength, love, empathy, compassion. We gain friendships with people that help us save our lives. In a way, a few of the people on this site are as important as people in 3D life. It's crazy to say, but true.

Think about what we gain when we stop killing ourselves slowly and start living with more purpose and passion. Our eyes and mind ,or minds-eye, seems to awaken from a slumber where we were numbing the pain by hiding and never facing our lives and what we are capable of.

Our prayers are expressed, our stories are heard and we give and receive help from ourselves and all around the world. I know I ramble a lot, but these are just such important steps to take. The small steps we take that get us from point A to point B are what add up. One step at a time is the answer...ALWAYS.

I've had some interesting weeks lately that have tested me in every way and feel I am learning a lot on this life-long journey. I'm so thankful to have such a wonderful amount of support wherever I turn. I hope those who are struggling just like I did for so long, can sooner than later, help themselves by reaching out to others. Especially those who have been through what we are facing.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Adam
125dyz

4 months smoke free

I'm tired of wasting time on things that aren't important. Family is important. Happiness and working towards it is important. Being ourselves, finding ourselves, healing ourselves and not letting anyone take these things from us is important. have a good day or night wherever you are. 

Today marks the longest quit I've had since 2005 when I threw away an 11 month quit. I don't really know how important this date is, I'm not trying to put a time stamp on anything. Quitting is one day at a time and smoking is no longer ever an option for me. NO MATTER WHAT!

Adam 

Leave a Trail

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

117 Dyz...Fragrance Lake 10K

Pretty much gonna say what I said on Facebook! 

I got 4th place in my first ever competition run. I ran through the forests of Bellingham, WA off of Chuckanut Drive. Didn't have much time for photos but snapped this one off while on the trail. 

I wouldn't have done this at all if I was still smoking and drinking. PERIOD...END OF STORY!!

Makes me emotional and means a lot. It's a small yet important step and I owe a lot of it to all my support systems and people who give a shit in my life! Thank you so much. I hope I can give back even half of the support I have received to others and make a difference! 

Adam
Never give up on yourself

115dyz...KEEP MOVING FORWARD

Need to write a bit. Yesterday was one of my rough days. I did not smoke but I did binged on junk food to try and feel better. I don't want to do that, but it's still baby steps. :(

My friend said it right "It's all peaks and valleys. The important thing is we keep going. One bad night is just that, one. It's a new day!"

Now, we can't just let ourselves have "one" bad day of smoking without full relapse (at least for me). I smoked for an 18 year period and 10 years I was in relapse thinking I could "just have one".

I do believe that I am on a different path now with smoking and drinking out of the picture. I know I'm not going to stop. I'm gonna keep on going, get out that door and roll with the punches.

I'm thankful to be smoke free today and on my path.

As I always say, "any day smoke free is a day of progress"


So today I'm going to get out there. I am heading up to Bellingham to do the Fragrance Lake 10K, and also going to be staying in Mt. Vernon to visit Joe Sneva, play some music and get ready to record and EP. All I can say is that I wouldn't be doing any of that if I was still stuck in my own shadows of addiction binge drinking and smoking and relapsing and feeling sorry for myself and hating myself for it! ALL TRUTH!

Adam

111 Dyz...

Back to patience again. Just got done with 2 doubles. Yelled out loud " I want to fucking smoke, I want to fucking drink" in my car on the way home.

It's hard to always feel so serious about something, but I look at my scenario, my reality and know that I can't just have a smoke, can't just have a drink. I would just be so hard on myself, I wouldn't be happy, I'd go into the old shame spiral rut.

I've worked so hard to get where I am. I have a lot to learn. I felt sorry for myself. I feel I want some kind of release because I could just numb everything before....but that's me never facing myself.

Anyways, just had a hard time getting off of work. I still don't feel completely normal and sometimes I feel a bit boring but I will not lose track of my quit and my goals. I will not smoke over it! Thanks for listening and sleep well.

Adam

109Dyz...Friends

Just wanted to give a quick shout out to my friends in my life. The ones I know will always be there. We dream big and we can also do the smallest of things without pressure or judgement. I spent the day hanging with Trav and Meech on the East side (Redmond). We had so much fun just taking the day as it came. We did a small trail walk, went out to dinner and reminisced about the old times. We also planned our snow shoe trip for Feb. 15th, 2016 and our summer '16 road trip to camp through Yellowstone and end in Colorado at Red Rocks to see Lord Huron play. 

I'm mentioning this because before I quit, when I was wrapped up in alcohol and nicotine shame, I wouldn't be excited about these plans. I wouldn't have my whole heart in it like I do now...and that was only 109 days ago. So much has changed. I have to remember how much different my attitude is now. Before I'd be in the relapse shame spiral. Day in day out, the only thing I could think of was smoking, drinking and/or wishing I wasn't smoking/drinking and how the hell I was gonna end the madness and stop killing myself physically and emotionally. 

Now I feel like an adult child. Now I feel excited to get out and enjoy life, make plans, journey and discover my wanderlust. I'm so glad I'm not stuck in that old rut and when I get down on myself or feel lonely or that I'm not doing enough or not far enough along...I have to remember how far I've already made it in such a short period of time and how much amazing life I have to live and make choices, play music, run, eat good food, visit with family and friends etc. all the good things!

So, all in all, I'm really happy to have the friends I have and to be on the life path that I am on and that I will never change again to partake in things that are destructive and bring me down. 

One small step a day in the right direction and it all starts with knowing, any day I do not smoke or drink is a day I'm making progress...no matter if I lay in bed all day, or climb to the top of the highest peak in the world...I can always default to knowing that a smoke free day is a good day!

Adam

7 Lovely Logics ~Repost

I just like how simple this list is, how easy it is to follow and how it covers all the basics of moving forward, embracing life and embracing the quit!

Adam 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
These thoughts are for life...but anything that eases our stress or makes us laugh is worth reading! Hope this helps someone :)

7 Lovely Logics:

1. Make peace with your past so it doesn't spoil your present.

2. What others think of you is none of your business.

3. Time heals almost everything. give the time, some time.

4. No one is the reason of your happiness except you yourself.

5. Don't compare your life with others, you have no idea what their journey is all about.

6. Stop thinking too much, it's alright not to know all the answers.

7. Smile, you don't own all the problems in the world.

Sheri
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