A friend posted this today. It's one of my favorite posts that always reminds me to keep climbing, and to not hesitate when you know their is something you want in life! We sometimes procrastinate in fear of failure, success or loneliness. We must not hold ourselves back from accomplishing our dreams, passions and desires. It's one step at a time, one moment at a time. Keep the quit and see you at the top!
I TRIED TO CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN TODAY
by Gary Barnes
I tried to climb the mountain today. As I inched my way up the path, I felt overwhelmed, so I had to turn back.
I tried to climb the mountain today. On my journey, darkness started to fall, and I was full of fear, so I had to return to a safe place.
I was ready to climb the mountain today. But it was so hot outside, I thought I better stay in my nice air-conditioned house and rest up for tomorrow`s attempt.
I was about to climb the mountain today. But I had so many other things to do, so instead of climbing the mountain, I took care of much more important tasks. I washed my car, mowed the grass, and watched the big game. Today the mountain will just have to wait.
I was going to climb the mountain today. But as I stared at the mountain in its majestic beauty, I knew I stood no chance of making it to the top, so I figured why even bother trying.
I have forgotten about climbing the mountain today; until a friend came by and asked me what I was up to lately. I told him I was thinking about climbing that mountain some day. I went on and on about how I was going to accomplish this task.
Finally, he said, `I just got back from climbing the mountain. For the longest time I told myself I was trying to climb the mountain but never made any progress. I almost let the dream of making it to the top die. I came up with every excuse of why I could not make it up the mountain, but never once did I give myself a reason why I could. One day as I stared at the mountain and pondered, I realized that if I didn`t make an attempt at this dream, all my dreams will eventually die.`
`The next morning, I started my climb,` he continued. `It was not easy, and at times I wanted to quit. But no matter what I faced, I placed one foot in front of the other, keeping a steady pace. When the wind tried to blow me over the edge, I kept walking. When the voices inside my head screamed `STOP` I focused on my goal, never letting it out of sight, and I kept moving forward. At times, I was ready to quit, but I knew I had come too far. Time and time again, I reassured myself that I was going to finish this journey. I struggled to make it to the top, but I climbed the mountain!`
`I have to be going,` my friend said. `Tomorrow is a new day to accomplish more dreams. By the way, what are you going to do tomorrow?`
I looked at him, with intensity and confidence in my eyes, and said, `I have a mountain to climb.`
You don’t have to read all of this. I just started writing to you and before I knew it, the page was full. I always seem to express most naturally when writing to you because you have never once judged me, and you have helped me so much. I can’t express my thankfulness to the fullest in just words!
Just needed to get some of these issues on paper. I need to figure things out. I don’t ever want to go back to smoking and most likely drinking is out of the picture too. I think I’m going through a different stage though and it’s the anger stage of loss.
I feel like a drama king right now. I guess I feel as if I’m not getting the benefits I want from quitting smoking. I feel like I’ve been going through the day noticing all the bad things no matter how big or small and blaming them on some so called force (maybe it’s the dark side) that is trying to get me to fail and give up and run off and drink and smoke, get fucked up, get numbed and hide from how hard I can be on myself and what I feel I may be doing wrong or messed up in life. I haven’t done that though because I know I won’t feel any better and it won’t answer any problems and I’ll just feel worthless. If I relapsed that would be me just believing the lies that I’m no good and not worth all this effort I’m putting out. I don’t believe I am no good. I truly believe the opposite and know how good of a guy I am and how much I care about life in general.
I’m working out and exercising to feel better but I’m feeling out of it or funky often. At the same time I go off and eat a bunch of junk food to make myself feel better or comforted. I think the funky feeling is from going from chain smoking and binge drinking to jogging often. Different levels of oxygen, body needing to heal, pushing myself too hard too fast, different stressers on the body etc.
I’m feeling I don’t have a way to take that edge off...that rush that smoking and drinking would do for me to numb and quiet my issues (the ones I’m facing right now). It’s hard getting used to always having to face things and learning how to cope with things or even put things off to tackle at a different moment….I don’t feel I know how to do that yet but learning.
I have tinnitus (constant ringing of the ears) that depresses me and there is no cure and I feel all the drinking and smoking made it worse along with all the NRT’s I used to use and abuse (I remember how they would make my ears ring really bad and give me vertigo etc.)
My ex who I’m still really close to visited Seattle and I set aside time according to her schedule. When she got to town she said she was too tired to hang out, but then visited me while at work when I couldn’t actually be a part of things. That really hurt me. I told her I didn’t want her to visit me at work because that annoys me when people pass that off as if actually hanging out with me. She did it anyways without realizing what it meant to me.
I still look back on an ex of mine and see what she paints as a happy and beautiful life, with a new partner, without me when I tried so hard to make things work between us, just to get shit on even though I knew my actions were valid at the time. I was more mature and ended things and I no longer want to be with her through all of this but it still makes me jealous to see that she has what she wants even through what she put me through…and she came back to apologize to me when I knew that would happen. I know it’s all in the eyes of the beholder and I’m learning to move on from that. Most important thing I learned from this is to really trust and listen to my heart and intuition. It will never lead me astray.
Sometimes when I feel down and out and I’m feeling lonely, I find myself going over the ex issue and it only makes me feel worse about myself as if I wasn’t good enough when the opposite is true. I know I need to keep seeking the love I’m looking for and not look down on myself through the eyes of someone else, when they aren’t even around. It’s just my head judging myself and my past regrets I need to come to terms with.
I just get tired of trying to be this nice guy sometimes. I get tired of trying so hard to free myself from my addictions and sometimes I just want to run off, get fucked up, feel sorry for myself and drown my sorrows. I know now though after years of that bullshit that it gets me no where and I’m still dealing with the aftermath, and still will for a while and have to keep my quit and have to keep moving forward and building new positive pathways and keep pushing through and never fucking give up! I try to be positive. I have been praying every morning, every night and every time I sit down to eat a meal. I try to give thanks and stay conscious to healing. I send out love through prayer to those in need and try to keep things in perspective. Even through all this, it’s tough sometimes to do it when feeling angry and out of it and burnt out.
I feel like I belong to a higher calling than working at a restaurant, barely scraping by, wishing I was a famous musician, with a family of my own and a closer tie to nature. I will be these things…I promise this! I will not be these things if I return to the shame spiral and get lost in the shadows of addiction. I will be more than that and this addiction will no longer ever control me. I can only do one day at a time and I’m trying the best that I can. I’m trying to do a million things at once but I have to keep reminding myself to take things slowly.
My mind was trying to fuck with me and say I should just go off the deep end and relapse and just start all over again on New Year’s Day but I know that’s a bunch of bull shit I can’t trust. It’s not rational thinking and will be a huge fucking let down. So I will not go there. I will not put my shoes on and run out the door and binge and feel sorry for myself and get angry at the dark sky. When I stare into the abyss it just stares right back, and I just feel that much more lonely and far away from where I want to be.’
I guess I needed a really big ramble. This is a tough time being in the no man’s land of my addiction. I know these are trying times and these are the times to push harder, be stronger and stay smart. I won’t lose my final quit! I won’t go back into the whole and just say that I tried but failed. I will not fail my quit anymore. I may fail elsewhere in life, but I will not fail my quit ever again…a promise I will take to my grave in honesty!
Adam
It was nice having a day free to relax and do as I pleased without the interference of smoking cigs or boozing it up! We celebrated Christmas as a family last weekend, so just doing what I want. When I felt like moving I went for a run around the lake. Didn't think I would because my back was acting up pretty bad yesterday, but it didn't feel too bad today. Then I went to go see Star Wars: The Force Awakens with Brent. We had a great time and it was just important to hang out with some family especially my brother who has pretty much been my best friend since I've been back from NYC.
Anyways, I feel good making it through my tough battle last night and conquered Christmas smoke free! I'm so ready to finish the end of this year smoke free and celebrate a new year that will be my first full year smoke and alcohol free. A long journey ahead but one day at a time is all we have. I have a lot of things I want to do in the next year and I'm excited to be on my way. Every moment smoke free is a moment to rejoice and feel pride for one's life and interests!
Merry Christmas and KTFQ NO MATTER WHAT!
Smoking is never again a choice I make. Smoking is off the table and a thing of my past!
Adam
D67
onward and upward!
NO MAN'S LAND
It's X-mas Eve and it's been a tough week. I've gone through a lot of emotions. I've felt heavy guilt in life, like my past is going to catch up with me. Like I feel guilty for being the slouchy negative person I was when I was boozing and smoking. I've been on edge and feeling sensitive and quick to snap judge when something happens. I've had minor ailments like head/ear issues and lower back issues that make me feel I will remain depressed and not be able to perform at the level I want to.
I feel lonely and wanting love in my life, but do know I have to focus on all this first to get to where I am content and happy with myself separate from others.
I have to realize that these issues are parts of life and instead of hiding from these issues in a haze of poisonous cigarettes and drunk and numb from alcohol, it's time to organize life and get healthy with those things that are possible. I will have bigger issues in the future I am yet to face that I must be prepared for.
I know that the old "stuck in the shame spiral" me would spin out of complete control when facing tougher issues like death or heart break. That's why I must stay on my true path, and stay clean because I am laying the foundation to a stronger and smarter me that will be better equipped to deal with the harder and finer parts of life without going into a dangerous spiral and punishing myself for those things I do not deserve and can't control.
No one deserves to beat themselves up over things they can't control!
I WILL NOT SMOKE TONIGHT. I WILL STAY ON MY PATH AND KEEP WORKING ON THE VISION OF ME THAT HASN'T YET, BUT WILL BE REALIZED IN REALITY!
ADAM
Some quick and easy reminders while here in No Man's Land. We are a bit more on our own. Are shiny quit has been forgotten by others and the day to day struggle is wearing off to where when a crave does sneak up on us, we think "I should be over this"...and you feel embarrassed that you need help! Never have fear to get support! No matter how long you've been quit!!
Adam
"take
a deep and honestly look at your past life... your life as a smoker and
compare it to what your life is like now... and what it will be like in
the future. You have to develop that vision of your future, of the
person that you are going to BECOME now that you have freed yourself.
You have to believe in yourself. You have to love yourself enough to
deny yourself your addiction.
Never
never never question your decision to quit! This is the most loving
thing that you will ever do for yourself. A few days of discomfort in
exchange for a lifetime of freedom. You will never find another deal
like it.
Protect your quit. Don't smoke, no matter what."
KTFQ
Adam
Went and saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens. It was awesome and so much better than the Prequels. Matched up well with the originals. Anyways...thought I'd type a bit. My quit is strong but I've been tested lately. I guess I'm in a struggle mode right now but I know that smoking will not do a damn thing to make life better so there is not fucking point to do it. I will not smoke no matter what happens.
I know my quit will take me to where I want to go in life and I will not lose faith just because all the answers haven't magically appeared to me only 2 months into my quit. It just doesn't work that way. I'm gonna get out for another jog tomorrow hopefully and visit REI before work hopefully. I have hiking boots, a rain jacket and a few other things to get and I'm in research mode and have a $50 gift card from Mom and Dad for Christmas burning a hole in my pocket...and it's not even Christmas yet haha!
I'm thankful to be going to bed smoke and drink free. I'm proud of myself and my commitment. No one else needs to understand it, but I know from personal revelation that life, God, the Universe....whatever it may be has a bigger and grander plan for me than I know. I have to trust and believe in myself and keep moving forward even if the going gets tough. No more bullshit. No more going backwards. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other, one moment at a time.
ALL WE HAVE IS NOW!
Adam
Tonight I've had a fright. I've wanted to smoke. I've wanted to drink. I've wanted to run off and get drunk and chain smoke and feel sorry for myself and feel like I can't get what I want out of life. Like something in life is keeping me from succeeding and no matter how hard I try I can't be bigger, can't be braver, can't be healthier, can't heal, can't move on etc.
I know it's been a long week of working and I've been non stop. I'm too hard on myself and have to slow down and remember right now that any day smoke free is a day of progress. It's hard though. I'm getting waves of thoughts that make me feel unsettled. My answer isn't to smoke or drink anymore, but I'm not always sure what the answer is to take the edge off. Sometimes it's just to get home, get in bed and make it through to another day.
I've made it past the 2 month mark but I have to remember how new all of this still is. I'm making it through the holidays and into the new year and that's not just something simple and handed to you on a silver platter when dealing with addiction. You have to work at it and stay diligent and not let a bad mood distract you and piss you off and threaten your quit.
I've been wanting to be smoke free for good for a long time and I am on my final quit! It can't always be 100% and I know that if I drank alcohol right now, I would most likely....no I know I would end up smoking and be at square one!
FUCK THAT! I AM NOT SMOKING! I AM GOING TO SLEEP SMOKE AND DRINK FREE AND WILL PRAY AND PLEDGE AGAIN WHEN I WAKE BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE!
OK time to sleep and time to move on to the next day and go see my therapist and get a good sized jog under my belt!
Adam
Day 62 over and done with!
I had a long ass period of relapse. Lots of ups and downs. Lots of big promises to be done for good with my nicotine addiction. I've been through a lot of pain and suffering. I've felt very lonely at times, feeling no way out. The shame spiral haunted me for a period of 10 plus years and it kept getting worse and worse. I smoked more and drank more and felt more negative day to day, hitting rock bottom and scraping across the bottom.
I guess I'm typing this because I left a big trail of failure behind me. I made a lot of people mad and I got a lot of people to believe in me to just throw away my quits at the blink of an eye over every excuse in the book. There became a huge ripple effect from my actions resulting from my addiction with nicotine and how I hung onto it like I was a slave, shackled and unable to escape. A lot of people saw me as a joke, some people still do.
I own this. I know this is my reality, but it doesn't have to be the way things are anymore. I realized when starting this, my final quit, that I would face a lot of naysayers. I prepared myself for the fact that I fucked a lot of things up and that not everyone will believe in me. Not everyone will take me serious. I realized that I was the one that would have to take myself serious and let others think for themselves and judge me off of my new actions, not what had happened in the past.
I Like the quote above from the amazing Wayne Dyer. I cannot control what others may think or say based off of my actions. What I have now is the power to create change from within and show others, and show more importantly myself what I am made of and what I am committed to!
I am 100% committed to my quit and know I will go to the ends of the earth and back with my quit intact. It is the one thing that no one can take from me! My addiction, hitting rock bottom and learning from my mistakes is what is laying the foundation to my new smoke free life. I know what roads I will not go back down. I got to a point where I didn't have any more excuses. I've felt every feeling possible behind this addiction. I've felt down on myself and went back on my word 10,000 times. Smoking no longer has anything to offer me. It is a giant negative lie. That's all. A negative lie.
There is no more going back for me. My ship has sailed, I am climbing that mountain etc. I've rambled a bit again, but the thought in my head right now is to defy all those naysayers who still don't believe. I don't need them to believe. I'm the only one that has to believe, and I am all in and completely invested in my actions. One day at a time. One moment at a time.
I am thankful for my quit! I am thankful to be going to see my family tomorrow and that I can go there without addiction controlling my thoughts and actions. I no longer have any time to waste on my addictions because I have to many goals and desires to accomplish, and not enough time to do them all. I will do what I can with what I have and be thankful for the chance to work towards my mental and physical freedom and follow my heart and soul.
Cheers
Adam
D61
see you at the top
I've posted this quote, seen others and will probably do it again. This to me, is the most important thing to remember on this journey. We've made the commitment, and it's our job to stay vigilant moment to moment and remember the promise we made to ourselves.
I can see my mind using excuses to accept the negativity, to try and feel depressed and accept my downfalls as the end result. When I smoked, I was always answering it "yes, I believe that life is too hard, yes I will smoke and give in to the thoughts that I'm not good enough".
That thought process became a habit every time I would answer the negative with another negative. We have to re-program our minds to end a negative with a positive instead.
The "dark side" can be ever persistent, but we must show that we are in control, and that the show must go on. We can't look back to where we once were but to remember where we came from. I don't envy where I was. I felt like I was living in my own shadows and now I have come out to reveal my true nature and who I have always wanted to be.
I guess I needed to ramble a bit. I've been a bit depressed and have had a few ailments holding me back, but life has been 1000% more enjoyable since I quit smoking.
2 months quit and I couldn't be more thankful for all the friends and support here, and I'm so proud of my efforts in being smoke and drink free!
Cheers,
Adam
KISS (Keep it simple stupid)
Quitting keeps me going! It is teaching me
that I can do ANYTHING I DECIDE to do. I have other challenges but
inside a weird confidence that because I quit, I CAN do anything!
Adam
Today I picked up an extra shift at work, which turned out to be a good thing. Made some ok money and sold $250 in Holiday gift cards. that's more than I had previously sold and puts me back on the positive radar.
Anyways...it was Dad's 60th today. Just did a simple dinner with Dad, Brothers and nephew Seth. It was good to be with the boys. When we went to eat dinner I for some reason felt compelled to do a prayer. I've been praying on my own when I wake, sleep and eat food, but haven't done it out loud since I was in high school maybe. I didn't do it for religious reasons, just felt it would be right to bring the family together and to feel a connection with life around us and to be thankful for the things that we have.
With this process of quitting smoking and drinking, my life has obviously changed into the life I have wanted for a long time. A life where I am me, and seek the things that have meaning to me. It feels good to be a part of my life again and to feel the benefits of giving a shit and working towards the present and the future.
On to the next day. I plan a workout at the gym and then work. I also need to think about something I can do for everyone as Christmas presents.
Adam
D57
Always Thankful
I unfortunately had to stand up for myself and leave the house of the girl I've been dating because of an argument. It's been about a week since we started dating and we've had 3 roller coaster days out of the 4 or 5 we've hung out. I don't want to blame either side, let's just say we are having differences and it seems to point out a pattern that problems would seem to grow if we stayed together.
I'm going through a lot of things and I have already felt more negativity from this relationship than I want to. I'm not saying it's on purpose from her, but it is happening and I owe no loyalties at this point and have to look out for myself 1st and foremost....AND KEEP MY SACRED QUIT SAFE 110%!
I'm mentioning this because this is something I want to overcome no matter the outcome, without relapsing and being destructive to myself. I want to feel the achievement of making it through a tough moment victorious and doing positive things for myself instead of getting depressed, binge drink, binge smoke, feel sorry for myself and be angry at the girl. We still need to have a follow up talk, but I'm going to call things off. It's not working out for me and it's too much for me to take on.
I care for her already, so it makes this hard, but I have to trust my intuition and do what's best for me.
I'm thankful to be going to sleep nic and alc free! I pledge and promise to remain smoke and drink free for the day of 12.15.15 no matter what may come my way!
Adam
D56
always thankful
Well, life is getting a little bit busier these days. It's been a few days since I blogged but I can't do it every day so I'm going to give myself some slack. I'm still going to keep up with it but it doesn't have to be every day!
I've been dating a great girl and it feels so much better to be drink and smoke free. A lot less drama for both people involved than relationships in the past because of how selfish the addiction makes you. It also puts a wall up a lot of time and makes you hide from problems. I really feel I'm doing what I want to do over feeling stuck doing what I don't want to be doing.
Anyways....long day. Roomy and I got our X-mas tree, I did an 8 mile jog and then worked. Pretty solid day and now it's time to sleep!
Cheerio,
Adam
always thankful
This won't be a long one. It's late and it's time to move on to the next day. Things have been going fast for me. I've had both ups and downs and I don't always want to be positive but I'm sick of the negative. I've been learning to transfer negative to positive and always try to be thankful and look for what I can make work out of a bad situation.
Smoking has always been negative for me. It keeps fear, guilt, shame and self hate alive. Every moment, day, week, month I stay smoke free I am that much further from nicotine and the junky voices. I am that much further away from all the drag down emotions that are connected to it!
I am thankful for all the support I get from my friends, family and online support. I am so thankful to be doing what I've wanted to be doing for years and keep the quit no matter what may come my way!
Adam
always thankful
I've been pretty tired lately. Maybe still got some kinda bug...maybe recovering still from quitting, may be the fact this is the darkest time of the year, may be from my busy jogging week last week, may be from not enough sleep. I'm not sure. All I know is that as things happen, whether I want to be pushing harder or not in life, I need to listen to my mind and body.
Just got a work out and going to Charley and Malcolm's show. Excited for some live music and to get out there. Things are good. Went to the doctor's, went to therapy and feel like I'm putting things in place to take care of myself. All things I wish I was doing the past years in the relapse shame spiral and feeling sorry for myself. Being quit and not smoking is a yes or no thing, but after that it is a process.
The early struggles generally include feelings of depression, anger,
resentment, self pity and the realization of where their addiction has
taken them (the five stages of grief), not to mention all the glamorous
stories we tell ourselves about smoking. Those emotions have hit me a lot but now I know I don't have to dwell on it when it does come sweeping in. I use what I've learned from my addiction to lay the foundation of my new core beliefs and ambitions. It has become a priceless exercise to learn how to transfer the old negatives into positives for my life.
So thankful every day for this new way of life and I wouldn't trade if for anything!
Adam
always thankful
Doctor's appointment early in the morning and then therapy. I set up a check up since I have health insurance now and it covers a couple check ups a year with my PCF. I don't have much to say, but had a lot of good feeling moments today. I went to work, did a little shopping at Ikea and then visited Brent for a while.
I got myself a reading light and a light for my desk. My favorite thing is the Bonsai Tree I picked up though. No foliage in this house I realized. I'm going to slowly remedy that though.
So thankful to be going to sleep smoke and drink free today. It's not always easy, and I have to refocus every once and a while....but it's so worth it!
Adam
always thankful
Missed it and told myself I'd post every day for the first 120 days. That was the length of my longest recent post. I know I can't expect myself to post here every day forever. I know I can't feel like I have to in order to remain a non-smoker.
I'm keeping this quit no matter what comes my way. No matter how big or how small the issue. On to the next!
Adam
I completely understand missing that rush. I quit drinking and smoking at the same time. I was drinking very heavily and smoking a ton and it basically was a huge pattern because I was trying to quit pretty much daily and then I would drink like crazy saying "this is the last time! I'm going all out!"....just to do the same thing again the next day, over and over and over again. It's like going from 100 mph to 0mph in 3 seconds.
You probably know but it is the smoking that caused this void, not the smoking. Even without the smoking, it is sort of human nature to feel the void and try to escape it. I read recently about a woman named Pema Chodron, a pretty famous woman who became a munk in Nova Scotia. She went into 3 years of solitude at a monestary. She had nothing to do, nowhere to be, nothing to run off and distract her. Even deep into some of her longer meditations, she would still get some pull that would try and get her to escape the uncomfortable feeling of the void and being in the present moment.
I just mention this because it helps me put the void into perspective. In our normal lives we have so many things distracting us and smoking was a huge instrument that would hide and numb us from facing the void. Now we have to face it more often and we have to realize it is harmless. It is a place where we can find positive things instead of negative things to better ourselves and love ourselves more and change our perspective and the way we react to loneliness.
Things are getting wild right now in the world and to top it off Scott Weiland died today. ISIS, Iraq War fallout, Paris shootings, 2 shootings yesterday in USA, 355 shootings in the last year, gun control issues, race issues, black lives matter, all lives matter, Starbucks all red "satanic" cups issue, people making an issue about being free to say "Merry Christmas", abortion, pro life, pro birth, planned parenthood, climate change leading to terrorism....lots and lots of concepts. Big and small. Lots and lots of hatred.
My brain sort of shut down trying to take a break from all the information pouring out and all the people that think they are reporters on issues they have only learned from mass media and social networks. I know some people have dealt first hand, but not most of everyone I know. I'm guilty of that myself. All I can say is I'm trying to understand what is most important for me to focus on. What can I do? Where can I make a difference. For me I think it just starts with giving a shit and gaining knowledge.
I've been stuck in a selfish place called addiction for a long while and I'm finding my way out. I'm trying to find what truly is important to me. I'm trying to understand where to put my efforts. Where I can make the biggest difference. I can only do this one day at a time though. When I heard Scott died I felt enough was enough. What do we have control of? what's the meaning I've been searching for in life? What will fulfill me and make a difference?
That's where I'm at right now. I don't want to feel guilty anymore. That's why I am escaping addiction. I don't want to regret not giving a shit. I want to care. I want to share and spread the message of peace and love. I want to help everyone feel and understand that we are all here and in this thing together and to not lose hope. It's been a crazy month, even year. A lot of things happening and a lot of change needing to be realized.
QUESTION EVERYTHING.
BE THANKFUL EVERY DAY.
KEEP MOVING FORWARD.
ANY DAY SMOKE FREE IS A DAY OF PROGRESS.
HITTING ROCK BOTTOM IS LAYING THE FOUNDATION FOR THE HIGHER STANDARD IN LIFE I LIVE BY.
I hope that things turn out alright. I hope I can live long enough to make a true difference. I feel I trust myself to make this effort. This is what I always knew quitting smoking and drinking would offer me. It offers me the ambition, faith and belief that I can accomplish anything I am passionate about and choose to put my mind towards. I may be in the first steps of this process, but I know it'll lead me to greater things I never thought of or thought possible.
Adam
staying thankful
This is it no matter what! I'm not going back this time. Doesn't matter what comes my way. We always have a choice and life is gonna hit us whether we smoke or not. What we didn't realize is that we can deal with life better, without punishing ourselves along with whatever is happening in life!
Why did I quit smoking?
I quit smoking so I wouldn't have any regret or feel I didn't give life my all before it ends. I don't know for how long I may live but I would rather live happy and smoke free then live unhappy and a shorter life.
For me I hit rock bottom over 1000 times. Hitting rock bottom this last time reminded me that I can only go up from where I was. I saw rock bottom as my foundation. I've learned all I can from this addiction. I've pushed the nicotine and drinking as far as my boundaries can go and I'm not enjoying any of it. Haven't for a long time and it's not answering any questions I have about the meaning of my life. Quitting smoking and all that I am learning from it, and about myself is giving me a higher standard to live by and I now have belief and faith in myself, that I can conquer anything I set my mind to.
I have nothing new to learn from this addiction. It was the same thing over and over again. The same memory, the same misery, the same shame, the same loneliness, the same stench, the same streets, the same hate, the same regret, the same wasted energy etc.
Then I realized that anything that smoking touches is negativity. All that comes from it is baggage that brings us down and makes you feel less than yourself. It is pain and suffering.
I knew I deserved better. We deserve better. This last quit I know is my last quit because it's time to move on and embrace life. Time to embrace who I truly am and question everything. I hated feeling like I had to smoke, or that there wasn't another choice but to always return to it no matter how long I would be smoke free.
I know it doesn't have to be that way from a first hand account!
I'm thankful to be smoke and drink free today, and that I will wake smoke free and drink free and free from the chains that used to
bind.
The strangest places
everything evolved around the addiction and I was casting people aside, even myself to get the next fix...it's pretty sad and you feel crazy and can't understand it....but that's addiction. It's rock bottom. Can't really explain the depth of how low it makes you feel.
I would find myself also in the strangest places, running off in the middle of New York, or Spain, or Seattle after having said I quit to get a fix and feeling like a loner and like I have no control over myself. Did that for over 10 years of relapse. Smoked for 20, and 10 was constant relapse. Longest quit in those 10 years was last year for around 120 days.
I'm never going back and made a promise to stay diligent and always put my quit first over everything no matter how many days I've been quit. Putting our quit first, is us putting ourselves first. Not in an ego way but in a caring, we are worth the fight kinda way!
Adam
Calling it an early night tonight. I had a good day and made it out for a 6 mile jog. I'm at the end of it now though, and not feeling too good and sick of my back of mouth/ear issue I'm having. I have a doctor's appt. set for Monday, just gotta hold on for now. It doesn't seem too serious, but it is irritating the fuck out of me!
I get bursts of frustration and I feel something's out to sour my day, and that it won't end and won't give up. Well bring it on fucker! I'm not fucking smoking anymore! I'm not fucking drinking to lessen my resolve so I can relapse and smoke!
I just have to deal with it! Tonight I just crawled into bed early. I've gotta take it easy on myself. I want to be out conquering the world but my life is in repair mode. When I need a break, I gotta take a break. I have to remember I've been in addiction and relapse for years on end. I have quit smoking, but I have to take things slow now, and let things work themselves out in their own time!
Come what may I pledge and promise to remain smoke free for the rest of the day!
love you all and sleep well!
adam
My grandma quit smoking 50 years ago and she has recently come down with COPD. She is getting close to 90 now. I don't know how much longer she has along with some other ailments she has. I found this all out when visiting for thanksgiving and she was coughing and sputtering the whole time :(
She's getting up there and living is getting tough. I've always known her to be active, walk daily, eat healthy but in old age, COPD still snuck it's way in the picture :(
Her dog Skippy died recently. I didn't know until I sat my coke on the side table and saw the box of his ashes. Skippy was my Aunt Marilyn's dog originally, but she died of liver failure at age 38 from alcoholism and pill abuse. I know how hard that must be for my grandma. She has taken care of the dog since her daughter, my aunt died about 12 years ago. It's what she had left of her child :(
I'm just mentioning this because I didn't think I had a troubled smoking story to tell. My grandma has lived an awesome life, and is still going, but even 50 years later smoking is still a factor of why she has COPD I'm sure. She smoked for around 25-30 years.
I've been feeling sick on and off since I quit and it's been a bit depressing. I know it's part of the healing process, I just hope I haven't done any long term damage. I have quit, but wish I would've 10 years ago. Can't look back now though...we can only move forward and do what we can with what we have!
Adam
