Day #66...X-mas Eve (No Man's Land)

 NO MAN'S LAND

It's X-mas Eve and it's been a tough week. I've gone through a lot of emotions. I've felt heavy guilt in life, like my past is going to catch up with me. Like I feel guilty for being the slouchy negative person I was when I was boozing and smoking. I've been on edge and feeling sensitive and quick to snap judge when something happens. I've had minor ailments like head/ear issues and lower back issues that make me feel I will remain depressed and not be able to perform at the level I want to.

I feel lonely and wanting love in my life, but do know I have to focus on all this first to get to where I am content and happy with myself separate from others.

I have to realize that these issues are parts of life and instead of hiding from these issues in a haze of poisonous cigarettes and drunk and numb from alcohol, it's time to organize life and get healthy with those things that are possible. I will have bigger issues in the future I am yet to face that I must be prepared for. 

I know that the old "stuck in the shame spiral" me would spin out of complete control when facing tougher issues like death or heart break. That's why I must stay on my true path, and stay clean because I am laying the foundation to a stronger and smarter me that will be better equipped to deal with the harder and finer parts of life without going into a dangerous spiral and punishing myself for those things I do not deserve and can't control. 

No one deserves to beat themselves up over things they can't control!

I WILL NOT SMOKE TONIGHT. I WILL STAY ON MY PATH AND KEEP WORKING ON THE VISION OF ME THAT HASN'T YET, BUT WILL BE REALIZED IN REALITY!

ADAM