You don’t have to read all of this. I just started writing to you and before I knew it, the page was full. I always seem to express most naturally when writing to you because you have never once judged me, and you have helped me so much. I can’t express my thankfulness to the fullest in just words!
Just needed to get some of these issues on paper. I need to figure things out. I don’t ever want to go back to smoking and most likely drinking is out of the picture too. I think I’m going through a different stage though and it’s the anger stage of loss.
I feel like a drama king right now. I guess I feel as if I’m not getting the benefits I want from quitting smoking. I feel like I’ve been going through the day noticing all the bad things no matter how big or small and blaming them on some so called force (maybe it’s the dark side) that is trying to get me to fail and give up and run off and drink and smoke, get fucked up, get numbed and hide from how hard I can be on myself and what I feel I may be doing wrong or messed up in life. I haven’t done that though because I know I won’t feel any better and it won’t answer any problems and I’ll just feel worthless. If I relapsed that would be me just believing the lies that I’m no good and not worth all this effort I’m putting out. I don’t believe I am no good. I truly believe the opposite and know how good of a guy I am and how much I care about life in general.
I’m working out and exercising to feel better but I’m feeling out of it or funky often. At the same time I go off and eat a bunch of junk food to make myself feel better or comforted. I think the funky feeling is from going from chain smoking and binge drinking to jogging often. Different levels of oxygen, body needing to heal, pushing myself too hard too fast, different stressers on the body etc.
I’m feeling I don’t have a way to take that edge off...that rush that smoking and drinking would do for me to numb and quiet my issues (the ones I’m facing right now). It’s hard getting used to always having to face things and learning how to cope with things or even put things off to tackle at a different moment….I don’t feel I know how to do that yet but learning.
I have tinnitus (constant ringing of the ears) that depresses me and there is no cure and I feel all the drinking and smoking made it worse along with all the NRT’s I used to use and abuse (I remember how they would make my ears ring really bad and give me vertigo etc.)
My ex who I’m still really close to visited Seattle and I set aside time according to her schedule. When she got to town she said she was too tired to hang out, but then visited me while at work when I couldn’t actually be a part of things. That really hurt me. I told her I didn’t want her to visit me at work because that annoys me when people pass that off as if actually hanging out with me. She did it anyways without realizing what it meant to me.
I still look back on an ex of mine and see what she paints as a happy and beautiful life, with a new partner, without me when I tried so hard to make things work between us, just to get shit on even though I knew my actions were valid at the time. I was more mature and ended things and I no longer want to be with her through all of this but it still makes me jealous to see that she has what she wants even through what she put me through…and she came back to apologize to me when I knew that would happen. I know it’s all in the eyes of the beholder and I’m learning to move on from that. Most important thing I learned from this is to really trust and listen to my heart and intuition. It will never lead me astray.
Sometimes when I feel down and out and I’m feeling lonely, I find myself going over the ex issue and it only makes me feel worse about myself as if I wasn’t good enough when the opposite is true. I know I need to keep seeking the love I’m looking for and not look down on myself through the eyes of someone else, when they aren’t even around. It’s just my head judging myself and my past regrets I need to come to terms with.
I just get tired of trying to be this nice guy sometimes. I get tired of trying so hard to free myself from my addictions and sometimes I just want to run off, get fucked up, feel sorry for myself and drown my sorrows. I know now though after years of that bullshit that it gets me no where and I’m still dealing with the aftermath, and still will for a while and have to keep my quit and have to keep moving forward and building new positive pathways and keep pushing through and never fucking give up! I try to be positive. I have been praying every morning, every night and every time I sit down to eat a meal. I try to give thanks and stay conscious to healing. I send out love through prayer to those in need and try to keep things in perspective. Even through all this, it’s tough sometimes to do it when feeling angry and out of it and burnt out.
I feel like I belong to a higher calling than working at a restaurant, barely scraping by, wishing I was a famous musician, with a family of my own and a closer tie to nature. I will be these things…I promise this! I will not be these things if I return to the shame spiral and get lost in the shadows of addiction. I will be more than that and this addiction will no longer ever control me. I can only do one day at a time and I’m trying the best that I can. I’m trying to do a million things at once but I have to keep reminding myself to take things slowly.
My mind was trying to fuck with me and say I should just go off the deep end and relapse and just start all over again on New Year’s Day but I know that’s a bunch of bull shit I can’t trust. It’s not rational thinking and will be a huge fucking let down. So I will not go there. I will not put my shoes on and run out the door and binge and feel sorry for myself and get angry at the dark sky. When I stare into the abyss it just stares right back, and I just feel that much more lonely and far away from where I want to be.’
I guess I needed a really big ramble. This is a tough time being in the no man’s land of my addiction. I know these are trying times and these are the times to push harder, be stronger and stay smart. I won’t lose my final quit! I won’t go back into the whole and just say that I tried but failed. I will not fail my quit anymore. I may fail elsewhere in life, but I will not fail my quit ever again…a promise I will take to my grave in honesty!
Adam
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