I had a long ass period of relapse. Lots of ups and downs. Lots of big promises to be done for good with my nicotine addiction. I've been through a lot of pain and suffering. I've felt very lonely at times, feeling no way out. The shame spiral haunted me for a period of 10 plus years and it kept getting worse and worse. I smoked more and drank more and felt more negative day to day, hitting rock bottom and scraping across the bottom.
I guess I'm typing this because I left a big trail of failure behind me. I made a lot of people mad and I got a lot of people to believe in me to just throw away my quits at the blink of an eye over every excuse in the book. There became a huge ripple effect from my actions resulting from my addiction with nicotine and how I hung onto it like I was a slave, shackled and unable to escape. A lot of people saw me as a joke, some people still do.
I own this. I know this is my reality, but it doesn't have to be the way things are anymore. I realized when starting this, my final quit, that I would face a lot of naysayers. I prepared myself for the fact that I fucked a lot of things up and that not everyone will believe in me. Not everyone will take me serious. I realized that I was the one that would have to take myself serious and let others think for themselves and judge me off of my new actions, not what had happened in the past.
I Like the quote above from the amazing Wayne Dyer. I cannot control what others may think or say based off of my actions. What I have now is the power to create change from within and show others, and show more importantly myself what I am made of and what I am committed to!
I am 100% committed to my quit and know I will go to the ends of the earth and back with my quit intact. It is the one thing that no one can take from me! My addiction, hitting rock bottom and learning from my mistakes is what is laying the foundation to my new smoke free life. I know what roads I will not go back down. I got to a point where I didn't have any more excuses. I've felt every feeling possible behind this addiction. I've felt down on myself and went back on my word 10,000 times. Smoking no longer has anything to offer me. It is a giant negative lie. That's all. A negative lie.
There is no more going back for me. My ship has sailed, I am climbing that mountain etc. I've rambled a bit again, but the thought in my head right now is to defy all those naysayers who still don't believe. I don't need them to believe. I'm the only one that has to believe, and I am all in and completely invested in my actions. One day at a time. One moment at a time.
I am thankful for my quit! I am thankful to be going to see my family tomorrow and that I can go there without addiction controlling my thoughts and actions. I no longer have any time to waste on my addictions because I have to many goals and desires to accomplish, and not enough time to do them all. I will do what I can with what I have and be thankful for the chance to work towards my mental and physical freedom and follow my heart and soul.
Cheers
Adam
D61
see you at the top
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