Tonight I've had a fright. I've wanted to smoke. I've wanted to drink. I've wanted to run off and get drunk and chain smoke and feel sorry for myself and feel like I can't get what I want out of life. Like something in life is keeping me from succeeding and no matter how hard I try I can't be bigger, can't be braver, can't be healthier, can't heal, can't move on etc.
I know it's been a long week of working and I've been non stop. I'm too hard on myself and have to slow down and remember right now that any day smoke free is a day of progress. It's hard though. I'm getting waves of thoughts that make me feel unsettled. My answer isn't to smoke or drink anymore, but I'm not always sure what the answer is to take the edge off. Sometimes it's just to get home, get in bed and make it through to another day.
I've made it past the 2 month mark but I have to remember how new all of this still is. I'm making it through the holidays and into the new year and that's not just something simple and handed to you on a silver platter when dealing with addiction. You have to work at it and stay diligent and not let a bad mood distract you and piss you off and threaten your quit.
I've been wanting to be smoke free for good for a long time and I am on my final quit! It can't always be 100% and I know that if I drank alcohol right now, I would most likely....no I know I would end up smoking and be at square one!
FUCK THAT! I AM NOT SMOKING! I AM GOING TO SLEEP SMOKE AND DRINK FREE AND WILL PRAY AND PLEDGE AGAIN WHEN I WAKE BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE!
OK time to sleep and time to move on to the next day and go see my therapist and get a good sized jog under my belt!
Adam
Day 62 over and done with!
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